i still picture it (it's been a couple of months)

i swore in my head (this was the right thing for us)

but it's breaking my heart

it's breaking it off

"No! I can't do this! Not anymore." You ran out of the bedroom, tears falling from your cheeks and landing on the hardwood floor.

"Y/n, please we can talk about this." Zach came chasing after you, trying to calm you down and take the bag of your things from you.

"Zach, for the love of God! We can't just talk about this." You gestured between the two of you. "All we've been doing for the past month is 'talking' but really we're just screaming at each other and I'm done trying to fix what's so fucking broken."

"C'mon, you cant just run away! You're being so selfish!" His fingers gripped the counter, his other fist balling up tightly.

"You think I'm running away? You think I'm selfish? Let me tell you Zachary, I thought about bailing months ago, but I loved you too fucking much and I believed you when you told me we could work this out, I believed you when you said all relationships have their hiccups. This whole thing is a disaster and I'm tired of trying to fix this bullshit."

He swallowed hard. "You can yell and scream all you want, but it won't be at me anymore." He didn't say anything, just watched your shoulders shake with sobs as you slammed the door.

"Zach?" Jack's voice cut into Zach's thought of you.

"Mm? Yeah?" Zach pulled himself out of his zoned out state, looking back at Jack with sad eyes.

"You gotta stop thinking about her man, it's been months. You're only gonna hurt yourself more." Jack frowned. He hated seeing his brother in pain like this.

"I know." Zach repositioned himself on the couch. "I know it was the right move, us breaking up, but I keep seeing it my head. Her crying. Her leaving." He sighed, rubbing his palms over his face. "It really breaks my heart."

and now i'm afraid to say

i still do, love you, hate you

i still do, hate to love you

"Why does she have to be there?" Zach whined as Gabbie tightened his tie.

"Because Zach, you two may have broken up, but she is still one of yours and the guys best friends." She stepped back. "You don't need to spend the whole night with her, just say hi, but be civil."

"Love, Zach you guys ready?" Jack came inside the room, Lavender in his arms.

"Yeah." Zach said, very irritably as he pushed past Jack to the door.

"What's with him?" Jack asked, passing Lavender to Gabbie.

"He's mad 'cause he has to see y/n tonight." Gabbie said, bouncing Lav on her hip.

Jack walked around to his dresser, grabbing a tie. "I thought he wanted to see her? He talks about her all the time."

"He told me that he hates her."

i still do, want you to want me like i'm wanting you

The boys all filed into the limo and made their way to the dinner Jon was hosting. The car was quiet until Jack spoke up. "So Zach, how are feeling about seeing y/n?" He asked.

"I dunno man." Zach answered, rolling his back against the headrest of the seat. "I love her still bro. But I hate that I love her, and I hate her. Gah, I hate this."

Corbyn leaned forward in his seat, his hands folded in his lap. "Maybe you should just talk to her, you know, get some closure."

"She's probably gonna avoid me, but I can try."

You did avoid him for most or the party. You sat as far away from him as you could at dinner, left the living room when he entered to talk to others, looked anywhere but at him when he tried to make eye contact. But when he wasn't looking, your eyes were on him. You missed him, so much, but you couldn't let yourself go through that pain, not again.

Finally, Zach caught you. You were on the balcony with Christina, talking and looking over the city. The two of you turned around to find him standing in front of the sliding glass door awkwardly. He cleared his throat.

Christina glanced between you and Zach before saying "I'll let you two talk." She turned to you and placed her hand on your arm. "Come get me later if you want." You nodded and mouthed a thank you.

"Thanks Chris." Zach said as she passed him to leave you two alone on the balcony.

You turned away from him and examined the stretch of L.A. before you. You could feel him standing next to you, a little farther away than you expected him to place himself.

"Hi." He started, voice caught in the back of his throat.

"Hey." You didn't look at him at first. "What's up?" You continued, giving in and taking in his appearance. He looked good. But when did he not?

Zach kept his gaze off of you, knowing that if he looked you in the eye he'd be a mess. "I don't even know where to start. Um," He turned, his body now facing yours. "This whole, not being with you anymore thing is a lot harder than I thought it would be."

"Zach."

"I know it was for the best, that we drive each other crazy but-"

"Zach, it was for the best, and while I miss you like crazy and it's really hard and weird not being with you, I know that it'll get easier." You tried to keep your tone even and steady, although you could feel yourself wavering.

Zach debated weather or not to tell you that he loved you. That he hated you. That he couldn't live without you.

"You're right." He finally said. You nodded and gave him a sympathetic smile, knowing he was hurting just as much as you. You felt tears burning behind your eyes. Trying to hold them back you bit your lip.

"I'm gonna go say good bye to the boys." You said gently, wanting to escape before he saw you cry.

"Ok." Zach said, barley loud enough to hear. The two of you examined each other for a second too long before you turned away to the door, your heels clicking on the floor of the balcony. He watched the way you moved as you slid open the door and he kept his eyes on you as you walked into the house and out of his sight.

Zach let his head fall into his hands, rubbing his eyes with his middle and index fingers. He let out a long staggered breath, looking back to where you had just been. "Damn it."

oh i still do

__

for all my work search the “my writing” tag on my blog!

tags!