#isoy

I came to the decision to make the server private after a lot of thought. I haven't been well emotionally for a long time and every time I thought about my comic, the server or anything related to Cult of the Lamb I had this fearful hesitation around it. I knew why to an extent. It was because of what happened to me the previous year in this community. I thought I was addressing it and moving on, and in some senses I was. But I couldn't get over it. I was considering quitting because it was still so stressful whenever I thought about it. I had so many negative emotions attached to it and I didn't know what else to do.

Not long ago I realized something though. I still love my story. I still love Cult of the Lamb. It's the community I hate and frankly, am scared of. I hate and am scared of being judged. And I was judged. I was made a villain for (what boiled down to) how I type. Something I taught myself from ~10 years old, properly punctuated etc with the sole intent of making it easier to write my stories and not have to take forever editing them, and that makes me seem like a big intimidating bad guy. A goddamn habit got me judged and ganged up on. (I learned about the "how I type/talk" thing a few months ago thus is not in my previous response.)

I am always judged wherever I go and I am not about to change the way I type just to appease people that judge first and communicate never. I wanted to give people that space too. A place they can be themselves and not worry about being judged. A place where the ones in power are at their level and don't abuse that power. Somewhere safe.

I can't do it anymore though. I can't keep the server public because it is the public that judges me. I don't want to be scared to talk in my own server out of fear of some random person deciding to take something I said out of context and blast on the internet. The CoTL community (and the internet in general) is a terrible place and it has invaded the corner I tried to make for myself and others too much. I tried. I'm not doing this to be exclusive or to get new patrons or whatever. It is literally just for my mental health. It is a step to try and come back to something I love.

So the server will still exist, it is just private. Only patrons and people I trust can join. I will miss the larger sense of community there was, but it has been gone for a long time already. My DMs are always open though, until I am pushed into making those private too.

As my mantra goes at this point: Communicate. Talk things out.