#ishilarious

There is a copy of Girl Land by Caitlin Flannigan in front of me.

I will now share with you the most lolarious parts of the first bits of the book.

"The sexually explicit music, the endless hard core and even fetish pornography available twenty four hours a day on the Internet, the crudeness of so much of the national conversation and the way that technology has made it so that there is almost no such thing as a private experience anymore-"

Lock up your sisters, tie up your daughters, warn your friends. THERE'S PORN ON THE INTERNET AND YOU SEE IT ALL THE TIME.

"Adults were quick to stick you with The Bell Jar, which you were supposed to lap up with zesty gratitude because of its racy subject matter, but I smelled a rat from the get go. Even at sixteen I could tell the book was overpraised, a stealth weapon of grownups eager to appear progressive in their literary suggestions for teenagers but secretly dying for you to get an eyeful of Esther's first sexual experience: recovering from a suicide attempt, on furlough from a psychiatric ward, she does the deed with an older man and almost hemorrhages to death."

Because the whole point of The Bell Jar was "OMFG DON'T HAVE SEX WITH MEN YOU WILL DIE". Right.

"...the most obvious reason to do this, of course, is to protect her from the kind of pornography described above. ...surfing the net, as we all have discovered, can become an all consuming, addictive behavior, one that leaves no space for dreaming or creativity..never having a moment of critical or imaginative thought...Taking away the internet connection in her bedroom is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give a daughter..."

GUYS GUYS GUYS THE INTERNET IS THE EVIL THAT DOES NOT SLEEP

NOTHING ORIGINAL OR WORTHWHILE HAPPENS THERE

HIDE YO' WIFE, HIDE YO' KIDS

CAUS' WE BE LOOKIN' UP ALL THE PORNOGRAPHY IN HERE.

There are many more hilarious moments, each referencing more Judy Blume than the last.

Then you get to the Patty Hearst chapter. Which, I shit you not, is all about how your daughter will be kidnapped and her virginal body laid out for the wolves.

Despite the fact that Patty Hearst was not a preteen- nor a virgin- when she was abducted in the seventies. 

Brilliant example there, Caitlin.

I encourage you to find and pirate a copy, since no one should pay money for this tripe. It's a quick read- if you can stomach it.

Be amazed as the woman who has no daughters tells you how to raise your children. Be enthralled by her Atlantic articles that go on and on about how something was lost when mothers began working, despite the fact that she has a nanny and a housekeeper. Enjoy her long explanations on how she is not against the idea of feminism while she extols the virtues of bread baking and scheduling regular sex with 'the man of the house'.