#intotheshadows

           I stared at my reflection in the mirror attempting to recognize myself underneath the black bandit style mask (a replica of my shadowy hero’s) and knee length black dress. There was the familiar splash of brown hair, falling in loose careful waves to my shoulder. My hazel eyes could be seen, somehow more striking than before, thanks to the black mask surrounding them. My pale skin glowed in stark contrast to the plain dress. Perhaps it was just the fact that I was going to a haunted house that made my stomach curl or maybe the mask was giving me PTSD about the two times I’d been attacked and then rescued by some unknown hero, but I knew in my bones, without room for doubt, that tonight would not be fun as Natasha, James, and Aleks had promised.

           Halloween had finally arrived, a fact I would normally be overjoyed by, Halloween being my second favorite holiday, the only day all year you could be anyone but yourself and no one could judge you for it. The haunted house our school was putting on was making me uneasy, that’s what I kept telling myself anyways. I even forced Natasha, Sam, Aleks, and Katy to join the set-up committee with me, that way I would know all the surprises and plans so I couldn’t really get frightened when I actually went.

         “Pull yourself together, Kristin. You’re being ridiculous. Nothing is going to happen, it’s just a haunted house!” I muttered to myself, forcing myself to take three deep breaths. That helped, by the time Natasha honked her horn out front, I was marginally calmer and managed some excitement for tonight. This would be a great Halloween; I silenced any thought or feeling that disputed that fact.

         “You excited to see you lover?” Natasha teased, as I slid easily into the black, leather interior of her car. Natasha had been nearly incorrigible since I announced my impending date with James.

         I rolled my eyes, “You’re hilarious,” I muttered, in no mood for such cracks about James.

“So, are you crazy excited for tonight?” She grinned, her whole face lighting with excitement.

         “Woo!” I said, monotonous and unenthusiastic. Natasha scowled at me, but she didn’t have time for a lecture, as we pulled into the school then and hunted for a parking space. I groaned internally. This was going to be bad, I don’t know why and I don’t know how, but it’s going to be bad.

         “Hey, I’m going to hunt down Aleks. Wait right here,” said Natasha as we arrived at the now spooky main hall of the school, before snaking through the pack of awaiting students. I sighed and hugged myself in the cramped corner of the dim, cobweb covered entrance. This wasn’t the part of the school I had decorated, but I could see they really went all out for this. Spiders hung from the ceiling, eerie music played in the background, skeletons’ creepy grins poked around corners; even peoples’ costumes were done to the nines. There were vampires, witches, zombies; every horror movie flick imaginable met in this cramped hall waiting to be unleashed upon the rest of the school. The whole thing made my skin crawl. The brick building suddenly seemed even more imposing in the dark, it didn’t feel natural to be on campus at 8pm at night.

         “Hey, don’t you look comfortable,” Katy teased with a bright smile, coming to stand beside me.

         I rolled my eyes, but couldn’t help smiling in return. “Well, you know how I’m so fond of cramped spaces and scary movies. It’s like my two favorite things collided,” I joked sarcastically, already feeling better with her there.

         Katy laughed, “Don’t be a baby. Have a little fun. So, what do you think of my costume?” she asked, giving a small twirl in the room allowed. I realized her black hair was pulled back by a simple black headband, and her round figure concealed by a conservative, white church dress, topped off with a leather-bound Bible in her arms.

         I busted out laughing. “I see you were feeling ironic this Halloween,” I said. Katy was a well-known atheist, constantly spouting religious arguments and disproving Bible passages. She played up the Bible-thumping, churchgoer to a T.

         Katy smiled pleasantly and curtseyed. “And what are you supposed to be?” she asked, eyeing my simple ensemble.

         I rolled my eyes, recognizing the I-should-have-dressed-you look. “A masked figure,” I beamed, enjoying my own private joke. Katy simply raised a brow and shook her head, accustomed to my odd tendencies.

         “So what’s been going on with you and James?” She asked, winking and giggling. I sighed. Katy and Natasha hated each other, but they were remarkably similar. I wasn’t ready for round two of this interrogation.

         “Why is everyone suddenly determined to get me a boyfriend? I don’t date, Katy, you know that,” I snapped at her unintentionally. It wasn’t her fault this was the second time I was hearing this, I reminded myself, trying to reign in my annoyance. She groaned.

         “Yeah, but you could. James sounds absolutely perfect for you. You couldn’t possibly be afraid of dating him; it’s all just too perfect! Practically what you wished for on a silver platter,” She argued with a deep scowl.

         “James is really great, but I don’t know…I just can’t,” I hedged, shrugging. Katy narrowed her eyes at me, clearly suspecting something was afoot, but thankfully Natasha was approaching us with Aleks- feigning mock annoyance to hide his delight- in tow. That was all the signal Katy needed, she jetted away with a quick goodbye.

         “Eww, were you talking to Katy?” Natasha asked, wrinkling her nose.

         I rolled my eyes and ignored her. “Aleks, are you seriously dressed as Vladimir Lenin?” I asked, laughing.

         “He was a great leader of Mother Russia,” Aleks replied with a grin, flashing all his pearly white teeth, and emphasizing his thick Russian accent. Sure enough, he stood before me in a fake beard and suit. I shook my head and laughed.

         “Hey, Natasha’s dressed like a hippy, so you can’t really make fun of me,” Aleks teased her, nudging her shoulder, and pulling the attention off himself. I took in Natasha’s costume for the first time. She wore a tie-dyed t-shirt and bell bottoms, had her unruly hair wrangled by a headband, and a peace sign necklace hung from her neck.

         “That is true,” I agreed. Natasha batted my arm playfully; we bantered like that for only a minute or so more before a teacher announced on the intercom several rules of conduct for the evening, and finally, the long awaited go ahead to explore our haunted campus.

         I had to admit, we did a pretty good job decorating the school, it was seriously sinister. Despite having helped set up, I still screamed a few times at different monsters jumping out and fake spiders touching me. It was a lot of fun, I enjoyed the company of my friends, I almost forgot the sense of impending doom I had started the night with. As the night went on, I noticed Natasha drawing nearer and nearer to Aleks and took that as my cue to leave.

“Why don’t you guys head to the cafeteria for food and whatnot while I see if I can find James?” I suggested. Natasha smiled and nodded gratefully while Aleks just shrugged, okay with anything. We said our goodbyes and promised to meet up soon. I headed in the opposite direction, not really looking for James, just wanting to give Natasha some space and alone time with Aleks. A tight sensation snaked around my chest, strangely suffocating, an unexpected, yet familiar, side effect of being around such sickly-sweet romance and purely innocent puppy love. I could tell she liked him dearly, and, to be honest, seeing people all lovey-dovey in relationships made me want to hurl these days.

While wandering aimlessly, lost in thought, through the dark halls and classrooms filled with costumed students, coffins, skeletons, ghosts, and other monstrous props, I ran smack into something. Something hard and sturdy, I fell right on my butt and what I ran into did not even budge. For half a second, I wondered if I’d gotten so lost in thought I’d actually run into a wall, but then I heard a familiar small, high voice.

         “Is she going to be okay?” The familiar voice asked.

         “Yes, she’ll be just fine. Believe it or not, this is actually the second time she’s run into me because she wasn’t paying attention,” Another deeper, even more familiar voice teased. My eyes snapped open.

         “It’s not my fault you don’t say anything, you just stand there and let me crash into you,” I fumed, staring up at the identical faces of Ryder and Robbie. I might have found it comical how they were looking down at me and making the same bemused facial expression, but I was too embarrassed to really appreciate it. Ryder rolled his eyes, but was unable to hide the smallest smile turning up the corner of his lips. He grabbed underneath my arms and easily hoisted me upright, before quickly letting go and stepping back.

         “Hello, Kristin, are you having fun?” Robbie asked unusually bright, grabbing my hand and then Ryder’s, tugging us along with him.

         “Robbie, Kristin might have somewhere else to go, don’t just drag her along,” Ryder chastised, halting Robbie and casting him a disapproving look.  “Aww, do you have somewhere to go?” Robbie asked glumly, his pink bottom lip puckering, sad, blue eyes devoid of the happiness I previously saw there.

         “No, it’s okay, Robbie, I’ll come along with you guys if you want,” I said, looking at Ryder with a raised brow. He shrugged nonchalantly and looked to Robbie to make the decision. Robbie grinned, instantly happy again.

         “Yay! Let’s go get candy!” exclaimed Robbie, releasing our hands and running ahead of us in the direction of the cafeteria, his one-track mind already fleeting to another subject.

         “You can have a little bit, but don’t run ahead too far, stay where I can see you!” Ryder called after Robbie, sounding, and looking, very much like a concerned father. There was something intriguing about the little flashes of the real Ryder I got see behind the mask he always wore. I could tell that this Ryder was truly him, that every day he walked around with a solid, emotionless mask on. For what reason I was still unsure, but I was certain the real Ryder was fun and beautiful, the kind of person that attracted other people, like a moth to flame. I wanted to know that person. I never could back down from a challenge. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Ryder and I were not friends, I still harbored a strong dislike for him, and he for me, but curiosity often got the best of me.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Ryder asked, amused. I realized I’d been staring at him and felt a blush creep up my face.

“Sorry, I was just thinking,” I said, sheepish, turning my gaze to the floor.

“About what?” Ryder asked, curious, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking ahead after Robbie, who was winding his way through the crowd.

“Lots of things, like always; this event, school, things like that,” I responded with a shrug. Ryder chuckled. My head snapped to him in shock, it was rare for him to show any emotion, even in private, but at a public function such as this? It had never happened as far as I knew. He pretended not to notice. A full smile warmed his sharp, pale face and melted his usually hard eyes into glowing green embers.

“You have this remarkable way of answering questions without actually sharing any information about yourself,” He commented, casting me a wry look. I laughed.

“You are more perceptive than most. I was thinking about how you act very much like a father to Robbie, more so than an older brother,” I answered more honestly this time. Ryder’s face darkened instantly, like a storm cloud covering the sun. Regret instantly panged my stomach. I had allowed myself to enjoy Ryder’s company for a brief moment, and I managed to ruin it just as quickly. I wondered after a minute of suffocating silence if he would respond.

“Our parents…died,” he said, voice thick and heavy with sorrow, “it wasn’t very long ago. We lived in Washington, D.C, before this. My father was a scientist in a military lab, there was an accident and he was just gone. My mother died of a broken heart; they were so in love; she just couldn’t deal. She became so sick. My uncle and father were very close, he lives here on Long Island; he took us in. He truly is a great man; I owe him so much. Robbie was very upset, we all were, but he was missing something in his life, he was missing a father, and my uncle tried his best, but he just isn’t the same as our dad. I’ve tried very hard ever since then to fill that hole for Robbie. He’s gotten better, especially lately,” Ryder finished, struggling to keep his voice even. I stared for a minute just trying to process this tragedy, the hurt and depression were evident in Ryder’s hollow voice, dark eyes, and pained face, even his stance grew more hunched, as if some unknown weight were beating upon him, and as I studied him, I realized I recognized that feeling. The feeling of a weight you cannot hope to bear on your own, so obvious to you, but invisible to the world, the kind of burden that seeped into your bones until you were made of cement just trudging along, fighting for every breath, every moving muscle. This overwhelming emotion nearly made me double over, suddenly sitting heavy on my chest.

I fought for composure before answering. “I can’t even begin to imagine having to bear all that for your brother, it sounds as though you were very close to your parents,” I attempted, swallowing the lump forming in my throat. We stared at each other for a moment, somehow kindred spirits in our unknown tragedies.

Suddenly Ryder smiled, a small, sad smile, just the slightest lifting of the corners of his pink lips. “Thank you,” he said in a soft voice, “For understanding and not saying sorry. I know people are sorry it happened, but sorry sounds too much like pity. I don’t want pity, and neither would my parents. I’m sure I sound crazy, but thank you.” He ranted, all in one breath. I returned his smile with one of equal sadness. He wasn’t crazy; I understood exactly what he meant. Everyone said sorry when someone died, but it didn’t make anything better and they didn’t really understand. Sorry was often just disguised pity, and I never, no matter what tragedies I endured, wanted pity. And if I didn’t want that pity, I didn’t really imagine too many other people were deserving of it either. I think Ryder could see that somewhere in my face.

I cleared my throat, attempting to change the subject. “So where’s your costume?” I asked, scrutinizing his casual jeans, grey t-shirt, and black converse.

“I’m a stone statue of course, this girl I know told me once that I always look like a statue, frozen and stoic,” Ryder teased, pausing in place and hardening his face and tensing his muscles, transforming before my eyes into the familiar cold Ryder I’d grown so used to. I laughed, and though he kept his composed face, his lighthearted air remained. I could tell our previous conversation was a very secret subject that would never come up again. I found myself glad. I was curious about Ryder’s past and I spent so many days seeking this kind of explanation for his cold mannerisms, but seeing Ryder in so much pain was almost disturbing. The urge to reach out, to help, was overpowering. Natasha always said I was a sucker for lost causes, the savior of sinners and the damned.

“Oh, well, that girl obviously knew what she was talking about,” I grinned and nudged his shoulder. He laughed. It was a musical sound, oddly comforting and relaxing; I hoped for some bizarre reason that I would hear it more often. I became aware then, that I was the most relaxed I had been all night walking through these halls with Ryder.

“Robbie! Not so much candy, you’ll make yourself sick,” Ryder scolded with a soft smile as we finally entered the cafeteria and found Robbie loading himself down by the fistful with sweets. It was brighter in here and tables all along the walls were covered with sodas, punches, candy, sweets, and other delicious treats. Robbie was quickly darting around and stuffing his face with a little of everything. I laughed as Ryder stole bits of food from Robbie, who would then scowl at him so seriously, as if Ryder were stealing prized jewels from his personal safe.

“Kristin! There you are, I’ve been searching everywhere for you,” Natasha called, pushing through a crowd of people, Aleks following quietly behind.

“Oh, sorry, I got caught up,” I replied, gesturing to Ryder and Robbie, who now ceased bickering and stood beside me in stiff silence. Robbie waved shyly and half hid behind Ryder’s leg, Ryder gave a curt nod, his face and attitude totally reverted to cold, “stone statue” mode.

“We found James by the way; he’s been in the cafeteria the whole time. Sorry you had to spend all that time searching,” Natasha apologized. James slid his way through the crowd then and came to stand with us. Ryder’s face hardened perceptibly, I wondered how his teeth didn’t turn to dust from how hard he was clenching them together. Jeez, if looks could kill.

“We have to be going. See you around, Kristin.” Ryder said harshly, his words like daggers.

“Bye,” I whispered, staring at Ryder’s retreating form. Robbie cast one heartbreaking look at me, almost as if I betrayed him, before fleeing with his brother. I liked to think I was growing accustomed to Ryder’s abrupt shifts in mood, but every time he shifted gears, I found myself whirling in his wake.

“What did he want?” James asked casually, but I detected the slightest edge to his voice.

“Nothing, I ran into him, literally, and we just talked and walked to the cafeteria together,” I responded with a shrug, confused by the sudden change in Ryder’s attitude and the overly harsh, rude way he responded to James. Even James, easygoing and carefree, seemed to aim a certain tense, harshness at Ryder. It was exactly like when the three of us worked together for the Psychology project. James hadn’t liked Ryder from the beginning, and Ryder didn’t like anyone, but their dislike seemed to intensify overnight to sheer hatred of one another. I wondered if perhaps my imagination was getting the better of me again. Surely that was just Ryder’s usual distaste for everyone, and if I could hate Ryder so quickly on the first day of school, James could too. That was it, I was imagining the personal edge to their slights, I tried comforting myself unsuccessfully.

James nodded casually before Natasha expertly steered the conversation to safer waters. I shoved these confusing thoughts from my mind and attempted to enjoy my time with my friends. We stayed in the cafeteria for a little longer, chatting easily and munching on snacks.

“Hey, we should go see the dungeon exhibit, I want to see what it looks like now that it’s all set up,” Aleks suggested after a while.

“I know! We did such a good job replicating those torture devices!” Natasha boasted excitedly, already dragging us to the exit of the cafeteria.

“Natasha, I’m not sure that’s something you should be proud of,” I joked. We bust into laughter and started down the hall to the classroom where that exhibit had been set up.

James casually shrugged his arm over my shoulder as we entered the dungeon exhibit, a gesture I would normally have been delighted by, but today felt somehow heavy and possessive. I distracted myself by watching Natasha and Aleks. A little ahead, I noticed Natasha grab Aleks’s hand when she squealed in surprise at a skeleton jumping out at her. I caught Aleks’ soft gaze directed toward their intwined hands and the small smile of pleasure that briefly flashed across his face. I would have to remember to report my findings to Natasha, lest she accuse me of being derelict in my best friend duties.

James noticed the direction of my gaze, “Would you stop worrying about everyone else for a change and just enjoy yourself?” He chastised with a smile. I gave a small laugh and leaned into him further as we followed the twisting path of the exhibit.

“I’m sorry I can’t help it, what would you have me focus my attention on?” I teased, staring up at him through my thick, black lashes, in a poor attempt at flirting. I still hadn’t made up my mind about James, it seemed I always had more questions for him than I ever did answers, but maybe everyone was right. I should relax and appreciate the attention of an honestly good guy, god knows those are hard to find.

He responded with a seductive smile, leaning over to whisper in my ear in a smooth, low voice, “I can think of a few things.” I smiled and a bright red blush crept up my skin. I let my wavy brown hair cascade around my face, hiding my embarrassment.

“Oh, Kristin, I left my wallet in the car, but I really want to buy a picture of all of us here tonight, can you run back and get it?” Natasha pleaded. I jumped untangling myself from James, not realizing she had turned back for us.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll be right back,” I answered, trying not to look so guilty.

“I can go with you,” James offered, looking a little too pleased with himself.

“Thank you, but I’ll be alright, keep enjoying the exhibits, I’ll meet back up with you guys in just a few minutes,” I quickly waved off his offer, before turning and weaving my way back out of the exhibit to the front of the school. I was thankful for the chance to get some air and organize my very confused and messy thoughts. It was easy to brush off my interactions with James to Natasha and Katy, but another thing entirely when he acted as he did tonight. I found myself unable to control my heart rate and my limbs felt shaky and unsteady. I reached the school’s entrance quickly, without even noticing it, as I was wrapped in my thoughts. James had something going on with his dad and was clearly hitting on me, but as of yet, I wasn’t sure how to feel about that. Ryder had a sad past and was just starting to resemble a human being, but he still irritated me with his superior attitude and unwillingness to associate with anyone, not to mention the strange drama playing out between him and James. That was definitely something I had to get to the bottom of. I hadn’t seen my masked hero since my birthday, I was surprised to find I actually missed him and still burned with curiosity about who he was and what he was doing and how he was always saving me, yet another mystery that needed solving. Natasha and Aleks’s relationship also seemed to be heading in a good direction; I wonder how I can help shove that in the right direction for her? The whirlwind taking place inside my mind was quickly making me dizzy and setting me on the brink of panic. I was holding too may loose ends of ropes and didn’t have nearly enough to tie any firm knots.

With so many thoughts on my mind, it didn’t even occur to me to look for cars as I crossed the street to get to Natasha’s Prius, my goal was in sight and I charged after it, foolhardy. Headlights speeding around the corner of the dark, ill-lit road in front of the school blinded me then. I froze and tensed as the speeding car headed right for me. My eyes squeezed shut and braced for impact. A great force slammed into me suddenly, at first, I thought it was the car, but it came from behind me, not my side. All logical thought quickly fled after that. My head slammed into something hard and the breath was knocked from my lungs. I peeled my eyes open in time to see the car speed away down the road, burning rubber in its wake. I realized I was lying on the opposite side of the road in the wet grass, a heavy weight on top of me.

“Are you alright?” A figure asked, from above me. I understood now. Someone pushed me out of the way. And not just someone. I knew that voice, it was the familiar worried voice that always found me when I was in danger. The figure was pinning me to the ground, saving my life for a third time.

“Oh, never better,” I joked, not managing an effective sarcastic voice. My head was splitting, I could barely think through the pain. The figure flashed a bright smile. That was all I could see through the black spots dancing on my eyes.

“Yes, I can see, so I guess you have no need for my assistance then?” He teased lightly.

“Don’t be an ass,” I breathed, attempting to scowl. The blackness was converging on my vision; I couldn’t see even a glimpse of my hero anymore. I heard him chuckle softly. How disappointing, the first time he is close enough to look at and I can’t even get my eyes to work properly.

“You hit your head pretty hard,” The figure said, his musical voice colored with worry now. Cold fingers pressed lightly on my forehead and I gasped as the pain knocked me breathless. “Very hard,” he amended in a tight voice. His cold, muscular arms slid under me, hoisting me up as if I weighed nothing. I sighed and leaned my head against his shoulder.