#interracialrelationships

So  I have a boyfriend. I cringe at the word boyfriend for some reason. I don't like using it. He is really nice and I have known him for five years. I am a bashful person and have let him down many times in the past because I didn't really want a relationship. Yea we can be friends...but that’s it. He is a White guy from the OBX and I am a Black girl from the country but we click. We became “exclusive” in August of 2017 however two month later I went back to being his friend because I had a lot of stuff going on. He wanted to try and fix it but he couldn’t. 

We were still friends and he checked on me often hoping that I was okay. I couldn't really decide if I wanted to be in a relationship with him because I was afraid that 1. my adoption issues would surface 2. I would have to have sex with him...because that’s societal norm ( I will talk about sexual orientation in my next post) 3. I am a Christian but more on the spiritual side not the religious side and he identifies as Atheist. 

We reconnected back in March .  The universe seems to always bring us back in each other’s presence. I was kicking myself really hard because I thought... He is a good guy who really cares about me and has cared since I met him five years ago. Literally we met and then four days later he asked me out to the movies.  

I started back with therapy and thought I had things under control. My friend and I are going slow. I was internally dealing with multiple things especially self worth and self confidence. Did I believe that I was good enough? Do I deserve this? ( Of course I do) But I worked really hard to get those things to subside. 

April 30th I gave up my virginity to him. Yep.  It wasn't what I expected. It started and then I didn't want it to go on any longer so I stopped it. Why? Because I thought it was what I was “suppose” to do but not actually what I really wanted to do. Since then I have felt “ some type of way” about everything. There is a sadness that comes along with  giving up something so sacred and meaningful...in my opinion.

Owning my adoption issues. I have issues ya’ll. I am being honest with you, with my boyfriend and with myself. I have issues with control and possession. When my boyfriend says you’re mine or something like that I cringe. Of course we are exclusive but dang it I don’t like hearing that from him. I have an issue with grief. I have lost a lot in my life....even my own since of self at one point in time. If I am under a wave of depression sometimes I don't want to be comforted. I don't want to talk. I have to tell him hey...I just want to be to myself. It’s not you and it’s not that I don't want you around but just not at this moment. There are just so many things. 

I am in a better place than I use to be internally and externally. I think this time around is going to go better if I don't self sabotage. My therapist is helping me through this as well so I know I am supported.  Reach out to me if you need or want to chat. I hope you all are doing well.

Peace & Love

" I Know my heart will never be the same. But I'm telling myself I'll be Okay".