#internalizedhomophobia

bonus points if u have something with internalized homophobia and sexuality crisis u.u but honestly anything similar would do it. hope u know anything :) have a nice day and thanks in advance!

Hi, anon! I'm doing great/crashing out over all the new Louis content haha but yes, I'm having a great day! Thanks for asking! Here are some recs for you!

Completely, and Absolutely by iwillpaintasongforlou

Louis is so completely and absolutely NOT gay that the fact that anyone thinks Harry is his soulmate is just being ridiculous. Including himself. He just thinks they're mates that are two parts of the same soul, and that's not weird at all. Okay?

Or, the one in which Louis spends the entirety of X Factor so deep in denial that he doesn't realize he's gay until he's already 3000% gone for the dimpled mess in his arms.

Promise in the Sky by Throwthemflowers / @hazzabeeforlou

AU in which Harry Styles, a naïve, repressed, socially awkward Midwestern highschooler tries to navigate his fundamentalist evangelical parents and radically progressive older sister. He’s doing an okay job of this until the Tomlinson family starts attending Lakeside Baptist Church and a boy named Louis changes everything. Harry is forced to come to grips with his true self when Louis becomes more than just his best friend; but their relationship opens a can of worms and sends them on the most painful, heartbreaking journey of their young lives. They risk everything and nearly lose, and Harry learns that perhaps only one Bible verse is true: that perfect love casteth out fear.

Saw It In Your Eyes by @taggiecb

Harry Styles counts himself extremely lucky that he has landed such a great roommate. It doesn’t bother him at all that his new roommate is gay. In fact, they get along so well that they have formed an extremely close friendship that takes up pretty much all his free time. When Louis starts bringing a new guy home with him, Harry is surprised by how much it bothers him. Is he not as okay as he thought he was with Louis’ sexuality?

part one, part two, part three

First to Listen (To Anything I Said) (ao3) - SylvesterLester

Summary: It's 2004, and Dan Howell is screwing up in school. He can't help that he's stuck in boring classes with boring people and just doesn't care. So when Phil Lester, one of the geekiest kids in school, is assigned to be his tutor, he's expecting this to just be another crappy part of his already crappy life.

But when it turns out Phil might be Dan's first real friend, his hormones threaten to screw all that up. Because that's all it is, right? Hormones?

Fix You (ao3) - emodnp

Summary: Dan deals with some painful memories and feelings and has a good and important conversation with Phil.

God, what have you done? (ao3) - gaydreaming

Summary: When Dan bought the sexy nun costume at a random Spirit Halloween in Florida, he meant it as a joke. By the time he leaves the club in Nashville, about two states past where this would have been a good idea, having cried in a bathroom, downed a glass of wine, and experienced one of his most formative nights, it's not really a joke anymore. Something has changed. Something has been awakened.

he is everything, and you are just trying to be something. (ao3) - m0ther_of_p3arl

Summary: There he is. Standing on the platform, waiting for Dan, his hands tucked awkwardly into the pockets of black skinny-jeans.

For a moment, Dan forgets that there are people behind him and he forgets that he has to step off the train and he just stares. Phil looks right back, and his eyes are big and blue and flecked with yellow in a way that could never be accurately represented through a computer screen.

Phil smiles at him, and Dan’s mind short-circuits.

he tastes like you (only sweeter) (ao3) - ghostdnp (ghostdnfie)

Summary: Dan comes up with an idea for he and Phil to get girls' attention at a party, but it turns out neither of them care about the girls.

in this smoking chaos (ao3) - writingcollective

Summary: Dan bottoms for the first time, not being able to shut down his inner demons that whisper internalised homophobic thoughts into his ear. But Phil guides him through it, somehow.

in your jeans, frenzy (ao3) - r1caner

Summary: “What’re you thinking about?” Phil asks.

Dan feels his cheeks go red, hot all the way to his jaw. “Er. Praying,” he says, desperate to avoid telling the truth and telling a lie.

It's quiet uptown (ao3) - Frog910

Summary: Dan is spending Christmas with the Lester's for the first time and is struggling with internalised homophobia.

maybe they were right? (ao3) - K0BR4_K1D

Summary: Dan wakes up to Phil's warm room, Phil's warm bed, Phil's warm heart.

aka. dan wakes up in phil's bed and has a mild anxiety attack

Objects in Mirror (ao3) - gaydreaming

Summary: When Dan is doing some last minute shopping at Herrods, he finds himself drawn to a pretty skirt, and he knows that he shouldn't... then again, why shouldn't he?

On Top of the World (ao3) - dnpangels

Summary: Dan Howell is known at Cedar Creek High School for being the star quarterback and for having dated every girl in the junior year. Phil Lester is known for almost always getting the lead in the school play and being a straight-A student. Dan is popular in the stereotypical way, while Phil is popular within the groups that he chooses to be a part of. Another thing that almost everyone knows is that Dan and Phil are definitely not friends.

An AU in which Dan is the school's quarterback, and Phil is a theater kid.

Purposeful Permanence (ao3) - artbabe

Summary: Dan hates doing his laundry at the university laundromat, so he takes his dirty laundry to Phil's place.

rattlesnake (ao3) - ZackStriker (PyroStormIsBae)

Summary: to the mirror dan says, "i am sorry you got stuck with me," to the birds he says, "do you ever feel like your body is not your body?" to phil he says, "could you maybe sit a little further away from me during this video?"

phil looks at him with equal amounts despair and love. 'this feels right,' dan thinks, 'this is what love should be for me: painful. it’s what i deserve.'

or: a fic juxtaposing 2012's grief with 2024's joy.

Take Me Back to 2009 (ao3) - coldbrewreaper

Summary: 18 & 22-year-old Dan and Phil are transported into a room with their future selves, and they have a sit down conversation.

The Anniversary (ao3) - Anonymous

Summary: It is fifteen years to the day since Dan's suicide attempt, and Phil endeavours to make the day as normal as possible.

there are no words, and there don't have to be. (ao3) - m0ther_of_p3arl

Summary: “Dan, what are we?”

“What do you mean?” Dan asked, almost guiltily. A smile spread across his face, as so often it did when he and Phil were together, but there was an element of something else to it this time. Dan looked scared. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”

“I mean, yeah, but…,” Phil took a moment to gather his thoughts, before pulling himself upright on the bed and gesturing around. “It’s just- you’ve been coming to my house basically every weekend for months now, and every time you’re here, it’s… well, you know.”

Walking through a minefield (ao3) - Should_be_working

Summary: Phil and Dan have been fighting about a leaked video. Dan's scared of people knowing who he is. Phil doesn't know how to help but he tries when Dan can't sleep thinking about it.

what doesn’t kill you makes you weird at intimacy (ao3) - foxtrot_writes

Summary: Dan is kinda weird about being touched.

When the Moon Fell In Love With The Sun (ao3) - deputysean

Summary: 2009 era- skype/msn (pre October 19th)

"A ray of hope, like sunshine escaping the clouds on a stormy day. Phil knew how to warm up Dan’s bad weather in a way he never thought possible."

Just a semi-short fluff fic of Dan falling in love with Phil before meeting in person.

You Can Continue Surviving (ao3) - anne2005

does it make you freak out?"

Hi, anon! Here are some fics that fit what you're looking for...

Promise in the Sky by Throwthemflowers / @hazzabeeforlou

AU in which Harry Styles, a naïve, repressed, socially awkward Midwestern highschooler tries to navigate his fundamentalist evangelical parents and radically progressive older sister. He’s doing an okay job of this until the Tomlinson family starts attending Lakeside Baptist Church and a boy named Louis changes everything. Harry is forced to come to grips with his true self when Louis becomes more than just his best friend; but their relationship opens a can of worms and sends them on the most painful, heartbreaking journey of their young lives. They risk everything and nearly lose, and Harry learns that perhaps only one Bible verse is true: that perfect love casteth out fear.

Pour Your Heart Out by @hrrytomlinson

Louis is his soulmate. Or at least Harry thinks he is. Louis feels the same as Louis. But there are a lot of people named Louis in the world and this Louis might not be the Louis. It’s besides the point though, because Harry knows he can’t allow himself to get close to any boys. He just can’t and he’s told himself this multiple times. He has to simply stay away from Louis Tomlinson. But he can’t. Harry Styles can never stay away from Louis Tomlinson. It’s physically impossible for him to.

Have A Little Faith In Me by @fallinglikethis

Harry Styles remembers Louis Tomlinson fondly. They used to spend the summers bonding at Bible Camp, helping each other memorize bible verses for their weekly challenge against the boys in the other cabins, and chatting into the early hours of morning when they were supposed to be sleeping. They had been so close back then. Harry was heartbroken when Louis hadn’t been there last summer. He’d heard rumors, vague comments about how Louis had changed but he didn’t believe them. He couldn’t. Because the other boys, the ones from Louis’ home town, were saying that he’d started getting piercings and tattoos, that he’d come out as gay, and that he’d turned his back on God.

Links Last Checked: May 13th, 2025

part one, part two

Are You Gay? (ao3) - manchestereyes

Summary: The 5 times Dan denied he was gay (and the one time he didn't).

Between the Lines (ao3) - dieofthatroar

Summary: Phil's a librarian at a local public library. Dan has nowhere else to go.

can we try again? (ao3) - Fictropes

Summary: “Yeah, Phil. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Dan answers, softer than he’d wanted because he already knows what he’s about to do next.

(or Dan doesn't turn up in 2009 and bumps into Phil 11 years later at a youtube convention)

Don’t Ask Me How I’ve Been (Fake Happy) (ao3) - phantasticworks

Summary: Dan Howell is an up and coming actor in a closeted relationship with a man who isn't ready to admit his sexuality. Phil is their Uber driver for a very important awards show. Things don't go exactly to plan, but maybe that's a good thing?

Based on the short film "Papercut" by Omad Productions (Somewhat, I got carried away)

for the first time in such a long time (I know I’ll be okay) (ao3) - possumdnp

Summary: Three conversations in Phil’s bedroom in 2009.

getting something out of nothing (ao3) - shaylawrites (thominwtt)

Summary: Unfortunately, the anxiety comes back almost instantly when Dan asks his next question: “When’s the first time you figured out you liked guys?”

Give Yourself A Try (ao3) - analester

Summary: Phil Lester thinks he is straight. At least until he gets to uni and meets Dan Howell. Being gay is extremely frowned upon, so Phil tries his best to stay away from Dan, but it becomes difficult when his professor asks Dan to tutor him. Afraid of being shunned by his friends and family, Phil tries his best to suppress his feelings, but how can he when Dan is so pretty?

hell was the journey but it brought me heaven (ao3) - parentaladvisorybullshitcontent

Summary: Their hands touching was too much, even though sometimes when Phil gesticulated extra wildly Dan felt it like a flame in his ribcage, burning bright – the desire to reach out and still his agitated movements, slip their hands together and squeeze tight.

In which a jar of seashells brings back old memories

I Am An Abomination (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: It all starts because Phil doesn't know why Dan won't hold his hand outside. It all starts because Phil doesn't know what Dan doesn't want to make their relationship public. It all starts because Phil doesn't know.

ivy (ao3) - waveydnp

Summary: dan sees someone he used to know

songfic for ivy by frank ocean

Like a Heartbeat that Drives You Mad (ao3) - lestered (clonetrobed)

Summary: Dan closes his eyes for a few breaths, then blinks them back open. “If you’d asked me that a year ago?” He bites his bottom lip and worries it between his teeth. “I’d have said yes for sure. But that sounds fucked up to me now.”

Phil lifts his eyebrows slightly. “What changed?”

The answer to that, Dan knows, is unsurprisingly simple. He swallows just to make sure he’s not choked up when he speaks.

“I met you.”

losing a piece of me (ao3) - huphilpuffs

Summary: Sometimes Dan likes boys more than he likes girls, and gets upset with himself for it.

Morose Men on Rooftops (ao3) - Fictropes

Summary: “Dunno, maybe chatting up morose men on roofs is my thing.” He laughs, and it’s a nice noise.

Send Me A Picture (ao3) - Tarredion

Summary: Dan has posted a new picture onto Dailybooth. It manages to do a bit more than getting Phil just hot and bothered.

Sick of Losing Soul Mates (ao3) - MaeTaurus

Summary: Dan broke up with Phil after convincing himself he couldn't be gay. If that's true, why does Dan feel jealous whenever Phil dates someone else? What happens after a drunken hookup makes Dan realize he is gay? What does this mean for Dan and Phil's relationship now?

silver and gold (ao3) - manchestereyes

Summary: At twelve years old, all Phil wants is someone who really gets him. That and a chance to go to Manchester without his mum and dad for once.

Little does he know, the best things in life are right around the corner. Phil just has to be patient.

Some Other Light (ao3) - jestbee

Summary: Dan works the night shift because it's easier to exist in the dark

The Boy on the Other Side (ao3) - vvelna

Summary: A young Phil moves into a new house with a strange closet and an interesting boy living on the other side of the wall, and writes about it in his diary.

The Scariest Part (Is Letting Go) (ao3) - huphilpuffs

Summary: Dan's journey with sexuality continues long after he meets Phil.

the stars were dimmed blue (ao3) - hoodiestrings

Summary: Dan only wanders closer to him. He is crying, he realizes, but he only moves until all he could feel is Phil pressed against him, sweaaty and warm and familiar. “I wasn’t – I wasn’t –” he laughs sadly “I loved you and you loved me but it wasn’t enough –”

“Dan,” Phil whispers.

Dan could feel Phil’s heart picking up speed.

“I’m sorry,” he tells him, tears flowing down his cheeks “I’m sorry. I denied everything so long –”

( or the one where Dan wasn't ready, and then, gradually, he was )

This Could Be the End of Everything (ao3) - rainbowchristy

Summary: Dan’s finally starting university, the phase of his life he’s been waiting for since he was a small child. His first real chance at freedom, away from his parents. Unfortunately, the universe has other plans for him.

Prompt: au where dan and phil are college students who get separated when they're sent home bc of coronavirus. potential dan isn't out to his parents angst + general ldr angst + fluffy reunion when they get back to campus and everything is over pls

Two Pats (ao3) - Septic84

Summary: A coming of age story of two soulmates.

vampires will never hurt you (ao3) - howellesterfics

Summary: Dan is embarrassed by his mistake of a Halloween costume, but not everybody has such negative feelings towards it.

Yellow (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: A new boy moved in next to him, his ex-girlfriend broke up with him, and school was starting back after the holidays. What makes it worse, is that the new boy is kind of cute and Dan’s straight.

you're a little much for me (and i love you) (ao3) - wiccamoody