#instajournal

Before I studied psychology, I struggled to understand the weight of mental health struggles. I thought I knew, or at least, I thought I could imagine it. Then, I graduated, passed the boards, gained a little more empathy, a touch more understanding. Yet, I’ll admit—there was still a distance.

But now, I find myself standing on the other side, living what I once tried to dissect, diagnose, and define. It’s hard to explain, this unfamiliar absence of joy, a silence where serotonin once danced. The energy I once wore so easily now slips away, leaving me low, feeling almost empty.

I used to be vibrant, the kind of person who thrived on moments. Now, it’s as if life has dimmed; colors fade, sounds feel muffled. I don’t know what it is, or maybe I do, but I can’t quite grasp it. Perhaps, sometimes, we can’t truly understand the darkness until we’re in it ourselves, learning a new language of feeling.

Nagmumuni-muni, Muning

And just like that, you were gone.

Chukie, my heart is filled with sadness, it hurts me so much to write this...

No more cuddling, hugs, or a sweet embrace, just memories left, that time can't erase. You were more than just a dog; you were my best friend and losing you was a pain I never wished to comprehend.

I held you tight in my arms and had the chance to thank you for being the greatest part of my life, but I also felt your last breath and had to watch life fade from your eyes.

Burying you was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do. I didn't want this; I miss you, Chuckie, you meant everything to me. I had big plans for us after I graduated.

Well, the Lord has a dog now; I just sent him mine. I hope you enjoy your wings there in heaven. I know with complete certainty, that I have had the privilege to love the greatest dog. I love you so much, my Chuckie baby!

Me, giving myself everything

Dear diary, ang saya ko lang kasi I get to spoil myself with my wants. Dati kasi, hirap na hirap ako at hindi ako sanay bumili ng something for myself. Lagi kong sinasabi na hindi ko deserve, sayang pera, next time nalang. Kaya ayun, for me, big step na 'to, na kahit little by little (actually, ang mahal neto anong little?!), onti-onti kong nae-express ang love ko para sa sarili ko. Giving myself not only my wants but also my psychological needs! Sabi nga nila malayo pa, pero malayo na! Konting kembot pa, accla!

Xoxo, Muning