#inspirationposts

For my heavy-hearted best friends, for anyone who needs it, for me

So I've been out of college for a year now, and this past year has been tougher than most. I thought it would be a new adventure but I've felt confused, furious, sulky, defeated, heavy, stuck, broken down? Lost. And in those times, I've been trying to demystify all these feelings that just feel the need to hit me in the face. So here it goes…

The thing is as we get older, especially out of college, we truly start to contemplate who we want to be, who we want to love, who and what is worth our time -- because time has all of sudden become this nervous hourglass of slipping sand. We want to do and be everything. These things are worth thinking about and are the things that have probably caused my heart to be heavy. And sometimes I look at some of my friends, and they make it look so easy. Why can't I just go to work, party on the weekends, and be content with my life? But the thing is maybe my work and partying is just not enough for me and maybe that's okay. If you’re not satisfied with what you're doing, seek what does. I get frustrated sometimes in trying to find out what exactly does inspire me, and I realize, it's also about seeking the people who inspire you. I saw this piece of advice that said being smart is not about how much you know but about who you surround yourself with. Don't ignore feelings you have or make yourself something you’re not for the sake of other people. Create the life you want to live, and everything else will follow accordingly. This way, no one will ever be able to steal away your happiness.

And while I've felt stuck or lost and worried about what I was going to do with myself, I realize maybe this might just be what growth is. This restless, heavy feeling could maybe be a period of waiting and of becoming. Of maybe something worthwhile. The waiting to make sense of your life, to be a little bit better than the person you were the day before is worth it. All this pent up anxiety and nervous waiting will become something. All good things take time. All good things are worth it. I think you'll slowly start to see it; you'll start to attract the right things when you have a sense of what really matters in life. 

Another thing that has weighed heavy upon me is that it's time to let go of all the worrying and the jealousy - the two things that eat you up alive. And so this is what I’ve learned:

 In the long run, life is only a race against ourselves. What someone else is or is not doing right now should not take away from your life. You get to decide who you want to care for and who you want to love. So choose wisely. And the truth is, something bad is always going to happen, so there's no use in worrying about it. When time comes for those awful things - those things that place a pit in your stomach, just remember to breathe. Remember a lyric of your favorite song or the sound of rain outside your window seal. It's okay to cry yourself to sleep but just remember to breathe. In and out slowly. One day, this feeling will pass. The pain is bearable. It will always be bearable. Find a friend that can make you laugh. Then figure out the things that make you happy in life. Write it down. And don't just write, "I like pizza." No, you say, you freaking love the shit out of that fresh oven-baked, extra-large, melt-in-your-mouth cheese with juicy, greasy Italian sausage, thick-crusted slice of heaven, that you order from the shop around the corner with the guy that has the chipped tooth and fat belly. Details matter. And if you're ever lost, start with the small things, like taking a walk. Because learning to appreciate the small things in life will bring you joy. And it will develop character. So when it comes time for the big things in life, the things that will require every ounce of love you got, you can give it with no hesitation. Always remember to do the small things with great love. 

And I know, in your twenties, love sucks. Unless you are that perfect couple who has been dating since high school and getting married next month, which in my case, seems to be almost everyone on my Facebook feed. But for the rest of us, we’re still fighting tooth and nail just to stay ashore and not to drown in waves of heartbreak. It still baffles me that we always want to be that girl who changes that boy, and we beat ourselves up when it doesn’t happen. But please don't be fooled, for a boy to become a man, he has to do it for himself. And you don't have the time to stick around for that. I know it doesn't make sense that the one person you gave everything to would also be the one to hold you back. But babygirl, the billion-year old stars of this galactic universe shine just for you. Do you know how much your worth? I can’t even begin to artfully construct together the most meaningful words of the English language to begin to even describe your worth. Please never forget your worth. Your love was always too big for him, and when he finally learns how to love, he'll have you to thank. And what you just gave, is worth more than a thousand suns. I know it might not seem fair but don't forget, firsts are the ones who teach you how to love in the first place. While it hurts in a way you didn’t think possible, you are that much stronger when you get back up. And that might be one of the most important lessons of all. 

And don't stop believing in love. Because love is all we have in the end.  Don't stop daydreaming about your 75th wedding anniversary and growing old with the man who will, as Steinbeck says, “release you in strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.” He's out there. It's real, no matter what the world says. I've seen it with my own eyes.  I see it every time I think about my parents.