#inner stuff

naked V 29

a column! –

why did this appear in my art?

part of an ancient building…

a burnt tree trunk…

a giant phallus in a sex shrine…

(art has a life of its own

Do you know those moments in life that happen and you realize at that moment, once it passes, that nothing is going to be the same? One of those glorious moments came to me and Holy Spirit enveloped it as if it were a gift. Indeed the moment was a gift, what happened was special, and though I can’t touch it, what Papa deposited in me is a treasure.

Take heed and let this be your warning: I don’t like fake nor do I like christainy blogs that just talk about the fluff of life and Jesus. Give me everything and spill everything out. Let’s be transparent. So like it or not, you get to see me vulnerable, you get to see my heart.

It may seem odd at just twenty five, but I know what it’s like to fall and fall hard. Not just fail at something but fall, look around and see everything that once was vanish. There’s something eerie about locusts coming in and eating everything that completely ruins a man or brings him within an inch of ruin. I’m referring to 2011. That year was easily an awful year. I was in a foreign city—one of ancient and future glory—helping to start a church, the Kingdom of Heaven had just been revealed to me the year prior, and challenge came at every angle. At first the Kingdom, the nearness of Holy Spirit, and His joy came so easy, but then the challenge of disagreement came. It’s so odd how fast I went from feeling the most like myself (right in line w/ Heaven) to being under what felt like miles of rubble, buried. Amongst the rubble and disagreement, I began to doubt everything about the Kingdom of Heaven that Holy Spirit had previously revealed. This may seem minor to a lot of you, but I literally had built my life upon Jesus and what He taught, and if this new, gigantic aspect that was challenged wasn’t true, then a lot of how I lived and dreamt to live my life couldn’t happen. Have you ever had something within you that was so good that it seemed too good to be true, and if indeed it wasn’t true, then the disappointment levels would reach a lifetime high? Yeah, that’s how the revelation of the Kingdom coming to earth was for me. Everything I was revolved around Jesus and His Kingdom soaking London.

Disagreement kept coming and unforgiveness took root within my heart. As the unforgiveness took root, the desire for Papa’s tangible Presence left and in came doubt. Doubt about everything arose and blossomed so that I hardly trusted Jesus like I had before, nor could I believe anything about His Kingdom for certain. At this time I greatly resembled the seed that falls on hard soil in Jesus’ parable from Matthew 13. I had no root within who Jesus said I was/am, thus any criticism from the outside about the Kingdom shoved a wedge between Him and I. A wedge that grew because I thought everything He was showing me was make believe and the few bits I still believed just caused more issues. Anger and disappointment toward Papa festered in my soul. The festering birthed little children named Apathy and Passivity, two qualities I had never possessed before. I was apathetic about everything, specially my relationship with Papa. Of which caused lots of problems that led to me ungracefully leaving London and the church I was helping, then quickly becoming engaged to an amazing young lady with whom Papa didn’t want me to be engaged to, and just as quickly calling off said engagement. All simply because I grew apathetic toward Jesus and really could careless about any consequences. So I came back to the states with a horrible relationship with Jesus, without a college degree, no money, no home, few friends, the embarrassment of what took place in London, and no clue what to do next, or at all.

I walked through the autumn of 2011 and the first few months of 2012 as 50% of myself. That fact alone is one of my main reasons for coming to Iris, to align what Papa says about me with what I believe about me again, and to make who I am in Heaven more like who I am in reality. That goes into every area of life, breaking through any dividing walls.

Enough of the back drop and on to that glorious moment I described earlier. The moment crashed in on me Wednesday, October 24th. We were all in class, which takes place in a simple hut with no walls and a cement floor, worshipping. A friend walked up to me and gave me this prophetic word:

When I designed you before the foundations of the world, I placed within you the roar of the Lion. You will release the cry of My Son over nations. It will look like spouts of fire expelling ”from your mouth and raging waterfalls. I have gifted you with a hunger for My raw, real, organic nature and presence that exists behind the layer of frill and fluff that religion and the Church has placed over Me. You will tear away that disguise and reveal the real Me to My people. You are wild and free. You were made to roar and charge full force into the darkness.

(I’m not huge on sharing prophetic words specially one like this, but what’s transparency if it’s not complete.) I began to cry as she read this over me and as some friends prayed Papa’s word into me. These few words from my Papa overwhelmed me with His love and eye for me. As I’m crying, everybody else is worshipping still, and suddenly another friend gets on the mic explaining how Holy Spirit wants to baptize people among us. He didn’t just want to bathe us, but give those who longed to prophesy the ability, those who longed for visions and for dreams to see and dream, and so on with the life that Holy Spirit brings. As my eyes are still closed, my friend still speaking over the mic, and people beginning to flood the front for prayer, Holy Spirit gives me a vision. In the vision I see people at the front of our class and me amongst them roaring like a lion. Holy Spirit then began to show me that as I roared, He was released. In fact, He showed me the part in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe where Aslan roars and breathes on the people that the Ice Queen made stone and they become flesh once more.

I immediately opened my eyes and ran up front to pray over two of my friends (of which one prayed in tongues for the first time ever). Then Holy Spirit had me get immersed among everyone asking for prayer, and to pray in the Spirit over us as a corporate body. As I did, as if I could barely control it, yet at the same time choosing to release it, I opened my mouth and roared like Lion. My roar burst forth like a river, every muscle in my body flexing, with every vocal-chord going full blast like never before. I have no idea how long it lasted but it felt like eternity, and as the sound echoed from my mouth, something in the Spirit broke off of me. I couldn’t see it, but I could feel it. The stone made flesh was me. I could literally feel the stone exterior fall away. I could feel the baggage from my past, any other critter clinging to me, crumble, and fall away. A fiery feeling surrounded my body replacing the stoney cast that once existed. Holy Spirit whispered to me to keep going so without a thought We roared together seven or eight more times, until I drained my voice of all it’s strength. Holy Spirit did so much in us that morning. People were set free from things, some prophecied for the first time, some saw The Lion of the Tribe of Judah walk through the hut, some saw visions, others were healed, others spoke in new tongues, and even more were baptized in Holy Spirit.

Jesus blows me away with how He heals us and how He leads us. I’m not going to lie, roaring in front of 300 people was no where on my radar. I mean Jesus spit in people’s eyes to bring healing, gave wet-willies to heal the deaf (serious, check out Mark 7), so having me scream seems to fit right in. The act itself is quite odd but that’s ok. The feeling I had within that release felt like all of Heaven was rushing through me and bursting out my mouth. It’s just like our Good King to use me and unshackle me at the same time. That too, seems to fit right in with Jesus.