#infinitelyluna

Every year for Christmas I give my family a long list of things, because they ask for it. I usually say “do not give me anything,” because of how I feel about myself and because what I really want I cannot ask anyone for. Here is my real list I have always been too afraid to share.

1) Stability in a safe place... if you care to hear what I mean by this feel free to message...

2) Unconditional acceptance, patience, and equality. I wish to be accepted with all my weird quirks, flaws, and all. I wish that people would have the patience to stick around through all the ups and downs. I wish that others could see me as equal to them, that I am no better or worse than them. 

3) Love, friendliness, and kindness. I wish I could love and care for myself as much as I do for everyone else combined. I wish I could be a friend to myself, and be kinder to myself. 

4) Different, better, and improved. I wish I could be a different version of me now. An improved and better version of what I am now.

At the young age of 22 (outside/actual life years), I wish I could be a different person so I wouldn't be the way I am now. In summary, how I feel and view myself right now is as a “stepping stone.” Someone here to help others through their lives. I feel as if I am never going to be good enough for anyone to want to share their lives with me wholeheartedly. I wish I did not have the above mental issues anxiety, OCD, ADHD, and one more I am not ready to share. I wish I was smaller and skinnier. I wish I was prettier and  I wish I was a different ethnicity (most of my life I have). I wish I could be different and unique but in a way where I can still be somewhat of a normal 22 year old  female human being.

At the old age of 32 (which is how old I feel on the inside), I wish to be different in the sense of feeling comfortable in my own skin. The sense of not relying on the outside to decide for me how I should be. I wish to be able to embrace myself for me. I wish I could embrace and love my flaws, quirks, and strengths. I wish I could view flaws as not flaws or weaknesses, but as something apart of me that makes me ME and not something less than.

5) I wish I could trust others more. I limit my ability to trust, because everytime I let down my guard a bit more with people, and I start to think “wow I think I may be able to fully let my guard this time.” I end up hurt, before you tell me life is about being let down and blah blah blah. I already know that, but when you have never had someone to truly trust and rely on, and you have never been good enough for anyone to the extent most people have tried to shape/change you, it gets harder to trust anyone including yourself.