#infantloss

We're walking along a beach, and I find myself holding his hand even though we haven't seen each other in years. “I've dreamed about this," I say, tears in my eyes.

“So have I."

We continue like this for miles with bits of sand gathering between my toes. It’s so chilly then that I use my free hand to pull a shawl closer to my shoulders. I should fasten it with both hands, but I'd rather die than lose contact with him now.

After a time, we both turn to the sunset. “Once,” I say, “when I was very young, I said a prayer."

He smiles. “And what did you pray?"

“For God to give me a sign that He still loved me."

“Did you doubt His love that much?” he asks.

“I guess I did." I pause, wondering over the small moments that make up our lives. “I expected something huge to happen after I prayed, but almost the entire day passed without anything. Finally, I knelt next to a rock and cried, begging God for an answer.” I took a big breath, just remembering the power of the moment. “I didn't hear His voice at first because it felt… like silence. Then, after a long while, I looked at the sunset. The clouds stretched orange—my favorite color.”

“And you knew God loved you because of the orange sky?” He still gently holds my hand as he looks down at me. “You thought He answered your prayer?"

“I knew He answered it. I realized how He painted the sky for me—for each of us—every single day. His love shines everywhere, through almost everything."

“And that's what you hold onto whenever bad things happen?” He studies a shell by our feet, and I don't say a word. “You remembered that, even when I died?”

I don't want to talk about his death, not when he's standing beside me. I need to answer his question though; he deserves the truth. "Not at first, but yes. I remembered that sky. I couldn't lose sight of His answer to my prayer or the gifts God has given me each day of my life."

Zeke—MY son—just nods. I can tell he's thinking hard about something before he breaks the silence. “I'm glad God picked you to be my mom."

His words hit me like a hot iron, shaking the core of my being; they're something I always longed for and never thought I'd hear, even in my dreams.

“But we’ll see each other again," he continues. “Orange is my favorite color now, too, a reminder…”

Tears fill my eyes. He's so strong and healthy, much different from the infant who died after two and a half months in the hospital.

He did love me. He WAS proud, although I had to take him off of life support. I remember how hard he fought to live, even as he took his last breath in my arms.

“I'm so proud you're my son. You never gave up on life. You never would have given up on me." I try acting brave in that moment, so my pain, guilt, and regrets can't hurt him. "I've done everything I can so people will know you; your life won't be forgotten."

My eyes close and a deep part of me starts fading. A heart once full, seems a bit empty, and my fingers close on themselves because HE is no longer holding my hand.

I breathe slowly. It's okay, though. Peace remains because the warmth of his touch stays on my skin like perfume, and somehow it will never leave. "Please know I won't forget you," my voice drifts away just like my son did.

When I’m just about to leave, I feel something. It’s just a nudge at first, then a word surfaces through the silence: “Look."

My eyes turn toward the sunset. Those colors wrap around me, giving me new reasons to live. I no longer simply long for eternity because I realize the truth in its meaning: Eternity is part of right now.

My spirit wakes up with an unflappable resolve. Someday we'll see each other again, someday beneath a golden sky.

Happy 21st birthday Zeke. You are not forgotten.

In October I've lost two family members in one week. One of them being my son. No I didn't have a miscarriage he was older than 20weeks. He had hair, fingernails, fully developed beautiful child. People say you can try again but that real hope of your first child coming to this Earth went away like my hopes of being a parent.

Yep, climb right on into that tub and squat down. Rather than leaning way over it from one side, snatch the chance to work your core and pelvic floor from a more upright angle + improve your squatability! Use one hand to wipe, one hand to balance, and switch back and forth. Imagine wearing a crown, and don't let it fall off which will help you keep your body more upright and tall. Think: Long, lean & lifted through your torso and trunk.

Struggling with your squat? Here's a FREE video with tricks to hack your squatability really quickly: https://fit2b.us/little-things-squats-introduction-squatting/ or google "Fit2B Squatting"

I'm 44 and I couldn't squat deeply in my early 30's at all. I learned those tricks and I'm squatting better and better as I age! How cool is that?!

Your nerves know the last thing they sensed. If your abs haven't felt anything "good" since they experienced a trauma such as surgical slicing, damaging abuse, pregnancy loss, panic from danger, or pain from disease or illness, then is it any wonder you feel disconnected and hesitant to exercise them? If you do try exercising them, do they even respond? Do they hurt?

If you feel and look worse after an ab workout, and you have a history of any trauma to your core or pelvic floor (the bottom of your core) then give yourself grace to tally up all that things your belly has been through. It's probably a lot, especially if you're a female.

I wish I could reach through this screen and instantly heal your past and your pain. I wish I could undo what happened to you. I wish I could talk to you right after your trauma and get you pointed in the right direction sooner.

What I can actually do is keep showing up in this space. I can be here for you with my heart and my passion to help you and all those in your shoes with gentle, non-traumatizing workouts. I can offer you home exercise videos that help you meet your core where it's at like the following titles in our fitness library:

Kelly's Grief Routine Dark Days Purple Press Gentle Blend Red Redemption Orange Openers Pelvic Floor Connections

Those are just a few that we offer to people who are processing deep things in relation to their Diastasis Recti and pelvic floor issues.

Google "Fit2B PTSD" to preview more titles related to post-traumatic stress disorder. Google "Fit2B Pelvic Girdle Pain" for a free podcast with a free set of exercises Google "Fit2B Comforting Core" for our course to help with miscarriage and infant loss

How can doing these things when you're nervous, upset, feel weak or disconnected, or you're experiencing constipation or pain actually help?

Walking Outside: Gets your bowels moving, and looking at things beyond your 4 walls helps shift your mind and mood.

Fetal Positions: Curling up into a ball helps you feel safe. It also presses on your tummy to push out gas and stimulate your body's systems to "release."

Belly Breathing: Imagine your core is like a balloon. Fill that balloon with air, making your belly big. Then let your air out, so the balloon in your belly gets smaller. Try to inhale deeper and exhale further each time. This calms your nervous system and connects you to your core muscles.

Legs Up A Wall: Lay down near a wall and turn so you can put your feet up on the wall. Allow your legs to fall open wide. This position relaxes many major muscles, fights pelvic pain, and taking deep breaths here is very soothing.

Clockwise Massage: Rub your belly area in clockwise circles. This stimulates your lymph and your digestion. Trauma to the tummy can make us avoid touching it, but massaging your abs can bring lots of comfort.

Consult your doctor if these things bring more pain and discomfort. Visit Fit2b.com for more resources to help your core including:

Comforting The Core: Moving Through Miscarriage and Infant Loss https://fit2b.us/product/comforting-the-core-moving-through-miscarriage-infant-loss/

Whether it's from a car accident or surgery such as Cesarean Section, or your ab muscles were repeatedly punched, or you suffered pregnancy loss, got a massive hernia, work a job where your abs are constantly stressed, or have had chronic constipation and bloating issues... your abs can make a recovery.

Numbness, damaged muscles, instability, poor posture, weak muscles, lack of control, and bladder/bowel issues are ALL treatable.

Here on Fit2B we address the "fitness piece" of all those things. We can move - we can help you move - in ways that reduce numbness, strengthen your muscles, improve your posture, reclaim control of your core, minimize hernia growth, and get that digestion going properly!

Now, if grief is playing a role in your core disconnect, let me recommend our FREE "Grief Routine" that we made in cooperation with Kelly, physical therapist and founder of @thetummyteam whose story of 6 losses was the motivation for this set of movements.

Learn more and try it here: https://fit2b.us/grief-routine/

Anything that physically alters your abdominal muscles creates trauma to those muscles. You might be thinking, "How is constipation on the same level as being punched in the stomach?" Emotionally and mentally, it's not. Yet there's two things in common in all of the above scenarios: Fear and Pain.

Even if you had an amazing pregnancy, your abs were forced to morph and stretch a lot. Chronic constipation can cause the same amount of distension and it can feel like labor to finally poop. Your abs are used in the same ways for both labor and big bowel movements. If you have to strain...

If things get stuck...

If you feel out of control...

If you get scared...

Now you've got a traumatic emotional memory tied to your body, your muscle's performance.

If you have a c-section, your ab muscles will be traumatized as they are sliced through, and the surgeon cannot possible reap proximate all your nerve endings and muscle fibers. 

If you have been abused anywhere on your belly - or you've been in a car wreck where your midsection was struck - or you've suffered the loss of a baby on top of abdominal trauma, it gets even harder. The PTSD you may be experiencing can really impact how your abs perform when you ask them to do a hard workout. If they're shut down - if you're shut down - it will be harder for you to connect to your core. You may have a worse Diastasis Recti due to this, and you may struggle more to correct it. 

But there is hope. On Fit2B we know how to help. We offer a specific pathway of workout for people with PTSD and a course for women who've experienced miscarriage or infant loss. We do not take any of this lightly as our team has been through these things ourselves.

Preview the PTSD pathway here:

Our "Comforting The Core" course benefits @stillbirthday and you can learn about it here: