You are dissociated, depressed, and your house is in shambles. Your mind cannot focus on anything but that one event in the back of your conscience. It nips at your heels, clouds your every move, and you feel like you are in autopilot. Nothing feels real except for that pain. Sure, your kids are fed and bathed and clothed, but their mom or dad isn't present. You feel guilty, but you cannot seem to pull yourself out of the detached space you're in.

Within the past few years I'm sure a good amount of you have suffered in this way as I have. I'll share a personal story, in case someone would be able to relate: In 2020 my husband and I began trying for our second child and I quickly became pregnant. Within a few weeks came lockdowns, stress, fear, the full feature.

I already had a 1 year old and the stress of it all boiled up inside me and my body could not take it any longer. I woke up one morning bleeding; Later I remember sitting in the emergency room alone, masked, and silent. I went home later and felt the contractions, then gave birth in my home by myself to a tiny baby, sac intact. I couldn't mourn, I had no time to. I had a 1 year old who was constantly in need of a mommy to feed her, take her to the park, do bedtime routines. That pain was buried for a full year before it came out on the anniversary of the event. I felt every feeling that I had previously come back full force, it was like I was back in the emergency room waiting for the doctor to come in.

It is important that we as parents understand that we cannot be there for our kids unless we are there for ourselves first. No amount of band aids, comfort foods, or ignoring the subject will help. You must get to the root of what hurts and flush it out like you would with an infection.

Because of the COVID-19 pandemic many of us are out of jobs, struggling, isolated, depressed, and a few of us are suffering through trauma alone.

How to begin the healing process:

1. Have the drive to heal

the first step you've already accomplished, if you are searching for or seeking information on healing your traumas as a parent- you have the drive and the potential to reach your goal.

2. Change one habit at a time.

Don’t push yourself to be extra productive or overzealous with personal goals. If you’re coming out of a depression, it’s easy to try to rush yourself into wellness, but you must give yourself time to thoroughly process your trauma. You have to build your emotional strength and express that weakness that you have held on to for so long. Like a sickness, trauma does not go away the instant you decide you feel a bit better.

3. Change your outlook.

Are your kids are alive, thriving, fed, and fully clothed (most of the time?) Yes? so then you have done your Job as a parent. Now it’s time for you to take care of you. You deserve a life that you enjoy living, not just an "okay" existence. You are meant for so much more and have so much more potential within yourself. You need to stop feeling guilty for taking time to yourself to grieve and process traumas. Its okay, you're healing to be a better parent for your little ones.

4. Seek professional help

There are multiple different low income therapy options available to you online:

Cerebral

Betterhelp

Talkiatry

Rethink My Therapy

If therapy isn't your thing, spiritualism is a tool you can use to help you focus and direct your thoughts. You know yourself best. Remember that everyone's recovery looks different!

5. Give it time

I’ve learned a lot about coping over the last few months. I used to think that coping with bad situations or negative emotions meant that you treat them as if they aren’t impacting your life or day-to-day activities. You just carry on as normal with the feelings in the background. Maybe that’s an effective way of coping in some instances. However, coping with the grief and emotions that have come with the death of my daughter has required a different strategy. The way I feel every day is front and center, so I have learned to actively and deliberately cope. 

These days, coping means allowing myself to feel everything, and rearranging my life around those feelings. Coping means prioritizing me. It means that relationships evolve, and endings will be written. Coping means that I respect myself, my triggers, and my own boundaries. To cope, I must draw a line and stay on the right side of it. The wrong side of that line is everything that hinders healing, whether intentional or not. It doesn’t matter what it is. Everything that hurts goes over there, even if it’s not meant to be hurtful. Conversations, images, people, and situations that draw me deeper into my grief hole are on the wrong side of that line. I have to stay on the right side.

The right side has intentional acts of compassion. It’s where I find comfort and validation. It’s where I feel sane, despite my utter lack of control over my emotions. I feel loved on the right side of the line – not just because the word “love” is spoken, but because an act of love is given. It’s where no explanation is necessary, but any explanation is useful. The right side is where I can talk about my emotions, my grief, my trauma, and my experience and not feel judged. I can cry openly and feel safe on the right side of the coping line. I’m free to express myself without the added pressure of trying not to offend anyone. I can be me – the new me – on the right side of the line.

There are very few places I can go that fall on the right side of the line, but those are my favorite places and the only places I will go these days. I use the word “places” figuratively. A place can be a person, a situation, a conversation, a thought, or a literal place. But, they are safe and welcoming. These places may be new. Places that were once on the right side of the line might have migrated over to the wrong side, and vice versa. I cope by taking a step back from time to time and understanding on which side of the line everything and everyone in my life stands. There is no overlapping. Overlap is confusing, and confusion is hurtful.

Assalamu Alaikum My Dear Readers,

You should know that this is not the blog I ever imagined I would start. This is not the club I ever wanted to join. But this is my life now. I am sad and broken, but I accept that this is what Allah (swt) has wanted for me and my family.

My life as a Muslim, a wife, and a mom has changed forever. I find comfort in listening to other people's stories. Writing and wanting to learn more about my religion has been helping me cope so far. Because for me, in the midst of something deeply painful, reading someone else’s story brings an odd comfort in the sense that I know I'm not alone in my pain.

However, while trying to find comfort in stories and multiple Instagram feeds, I found myself only stumbling across non-Muslim grief journeys; which most resulted in questioning God.

"Why me?"

But if I’m being honest, it hasn't been easy. I do find myself sitting here bombarded by the thought that maybe the reason why Allah took her away from me is because I am not a good Muslim. Subhan'Allah.

I often wonder if maybe I had prayed and read Quran more, turned to my lord when things were good AND bad, thanked Him fully, and just believed more than I do now... maybe the outcome could have been different? But I know that's not the truth. I can't say I'm a great Muslim. I know I'm not perfect, I'm only human. Islam is perfect, but we are not. Deep down in my heart, I know the reason she left this earth isn't because of me.

"Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilaihi Raji’oon"

From Allah we came and to Him is our return.

These words sting even harder when you've lost your child. And I'm slowly learning that Islam is a religion of hope. Growing up as Muslims, we are raised and taught that this Dunya is not the end. That there is indeed a reunion in the Hereafter. We're also told that Allah (swt) tells us that tests and trials are a part of life.

Everyone will be tested to a certain extent at times so that Allah (swt) can see which person has true faith in Him. And He presents us with these different situations to see how we react to them.

So with this new grief that I welcome into my life... I know I can't go back in time. I know I can't change things. I know that there isn't anything I could have done more or less. I'm human. I'm weak and I do slip back into those deep negative thoughts at times... but because of my rooted foundation in the belief in Allah, I know that this is my Qadr (fate). I will try my best to continue to trust in Allah and His decree.