#inbox.rtf

Also, admittedly I am a bit of an ableist towards myself; in that I do not readily ask for help, unless I absolutely cannot handle it on my own. That is very much drilled into me by Norwegian culture (Janteloven), and my particular upbringing compounding it. (Working on it 💪)

Leon’s also the type of guy who doesn’t want to overstep or overstay his welcome. He is a very gentle and kind man at heart. So he tries to take things at face value, and not jump to conclusions. (Even as his mind tries to come to an answer.) So there is 100% a period where he is simply unaware.

There is also just the fact I/Red would feel that Leon already handles enough, he wouldn’t need more obligations. And he feels the same way, with his mental health issues.

That said, once he becomes aware of the fact, he’d slightly test the waters by giving lowkey check-ins. A simple “you good?” after watching me do something that could be flare worthy. Or asking if I want to order takeout for the hangout instead.

He doesn’t like pushing, so he tends to just keep an eye out, just in case (he can’t help himself), but trusts me to let him know. Ironically, because of that, I think it would create a good environment for me to actually do so. Because it wouldn't feel like being exposed, or ground down to one trait, the disability.

There is this whole thing going on in the friendship-to-partners stage, where we sort of unlearn some shame, and learn it’s not burdening to show a partner your soft human insides.

Everything here is before dating, too, lol. I've definitely focused a lot more on helping him, through his struggles. But realistically he would, you know. He would make certain things easier for me. Especially when dating. Like massaging my joints during a flare, or doing the mentioned things above even more deliberately. Getting more forward with it.

Therefore, I think his focus would be more on whether that special someone is happy or not. But he wouldn't feel great about it. The kind of yearning, that's way too polite for the kind of depth that it carries.

With Red specifically, he denied himself for a long time. Leon is intelligent enough to construct convincing logic around his avoidance, and he'd cycle through justifications rather than admit the real one, which is probably closer to fear of loss than anything (with many changing "reasons" being: oh I dont want to ruin the most important friendship I have. oh I wouldn't want to bring him back into that kind of life, etc etc). that when he finally acted on his feelings, and was actually reciprocated, he was worried he'd mess it up somehow. Because he's aware of the kind of toll his work takes on him, and the time it leaves him with. So he kind of thinks himself into a corner, early on.

Even when he learns the relationship isn't going anywhere, and that he hasn't fucked up the relationship by changing the dynamic, he'd still feel bouts of self doubt when jealous, I think. The fear that he won't be able to provide consistency or dependability. (Which is not true, at all).

It isn't as intense as pre-dating of course, because now he has proof on the contrary; but jealousy sort of nudges against that old worry. + the new green feeling of "this is an important part of my life, and I need it to stay that way"

What I am so fascinated by is that Leon wouldn't get jealous over just anything, either. It would be triggered by something that hits a very specific nerve, before he even has time to rationalize it away..

And when he does get jealous while dating/married, it's more of a pouty broody, rather than moody broody. At the end of the day, it's a type of yearning. So he'll stick by close, and pay extra attention.

Because in such a secure relationship, the trigger would have to be accidental and momentary.. that fleeting feeling followed by him being fully aware it was irrational is probably where the pouty aspect comes from. Because it's more of a gentle question of reassurance.

Okay NOW, I can get into what makes him jealous.

Someone else making Red laugh really hard. He feels really pathetic in those moments. Because it's just a laugh. Later he might be more clingy, or physically affectionate. And watch Red reciprocate. Again and again and again. Being told sweet words, hair played with, and feel his body settle into it. He may occasionally cringe at himself, but it feels safe.

If someone hits on Red, or just seems drawn to him in a way Leon notices before Red does. Not reciprocated, not even close to being an issue, but Leon clocks it and feels something really deep in his chest and gut. He might stand a little closer than necessary. A hand somewhere casual yet deliberate. Just grounding himself. Like showing himself he's allowed to do these things because they're an item.

Flirting specifically, he might just gently bring the conversation elsewhere, or if Red noticed and let them gently down or told them off, Leon would feel incredibly gratified.

The biggest one I think, would be someone else being there for Red in a way he feels he can't be. Presence and consistency. Leon is someone whose life makes him repeatedly absent, repeatedly unreachable. Away on missions, as mentioned. So if someone else got to simply be there, when he couldn't; that would quietly slow cook him. Because he can't even argue it was unfair. He'd think that Red arguably deserves that. And mean it with his chest. Though it would never happen, since they're so close knit. he'd feel that jealousy if he felt that someone else could provide that, in theory. (Which again, loud incorrect buzzer)

Leon has always been justice and fairness oriented. He believes eveyone should have a chance for a peaceful life. He's a very sympathetic man. But I don't think he naively believes everyone is equal; he's aware certain people hold more power than others. And he's pretty vocal throughout the series of his contempt of this.

I'm unsure exactly where this stems from, as the canon is very much schrödinger canon atm, since it's only from supplementary interviews, and not been referenced again.

The tension that's compelling, is that he's on the precipice of being nihilistic, but doesn't fall in. If that makes sense.

I personally have always seen us as animals. Because that's what we are. We still hold our instincts close, as modern human society is a fairly new concept in comparison to our existence. But being in modern life, we should widen our in-group, we should strive for compassion and coalition. As we would in our smaller communities. The scope has simply enlarged. As the poet Shane Koyczan said, we are atlas now.

As a human being you have the ability to think through your actions, not just react on instinct. Many animals have this ability. And the lack of awareness I think, is what causes a lot of friction in societies: people operating on autopilot in-group instincts, status-seeking, fear responses, or irrational emotional heuristics without stepping back to ask themselves where it comes from. online arguments, political polarization, even everyday misunderstandings often boil down to unexamined reactions..

There's nothing wrong with instincts, they're quite useful. But they clash with modern life when unexamined.