#imtyler

It’s 8.43 AM my time when I start writing this. I came back home a little bit before Mark posted his vlog, had God damn night shift at work. I will probably start rambling just like Hero sees own words, but hell with it. I need to say it. I need to get this to Mark somehow. Maybe by any chance he will see it one day and understand.

Mark, I’m 21 year old woman lost in her life. I currently work in factory - dropped out of University and I can’t find “my thing” in life. My life keeps going downwards. People at work hate me, because I’m not like them. I hate them for judging me. I don’t talk with my family at all. I feel like my mother hates who I became in life and I’m so ashamed of myself and who I became in life, I can’t force myself to talk to her, because I know that in every of her words I can hear how disappioted she is. Hell, I’m disappointed myself.  I’m 21 years old woman, who struggles with depression for about 9 years now - it’s how find a date in my life when it all started. And it started by me being bullied. Then I lost all of my confidence, I gave up on passion I had, which was dancing, I lost my courage to learn and... to be. I didn’t see any sense in any of my actions or decisions in life. Because why would I if I started to believe nothing in my life can change anything? I used to see myself as nothing. Just a little shitty something, that shouldn’t be on this planet. I attemted suicide. Many times. So many times I lost counting through those years. I tried swallowing bunch of strong pills, jump of the bridge, cut my veins, drown myself and many more, I even wanted to do the same thing my older brother did years ago - I wanted to hang myself. But none of those attempts worked out. I was sure, that God is making fun of me, that he’s punushing me for being such a failure, cause he knows that death is what will make me free. I can say that I didn’t actually live - I just existed with no emotions other than pain, all I knew was a fake smile and saying “I’m great”, I became master in hiding my emotions. 

It stated changing with two moments in my life. One was when I met my best friend Anna almost two tears ago. She always gives me that kick I need when I’m loosing hope and she believes in me the way I don’t believe in myself. She loves me as her sister the way I can’t love myself and I will always be grateful for her, because she doesn’t undestrand how many times she stoped me when I was on the edge. I remember countless hours of us talking on the phone when I was crying to her how I don’t want to live anymore. She kept talking to me about hopes and dreams and how she’ll do everything she can to make my dreams come true. How her dreams have me in them, so I have to live, because without me dreams won’t be dreams anymore. She still keeps spaming you, Sean and Felix whereever she can, because I lost hope of you ever noticing me, but she believes it will happen, so she does what she can to make it come true. She’s the cruches I need to walk, because my legs are broken and I can’t go through life by myself. But crutches by themself can’t do much if my legs aren’t healing. And they won’t if not treated properly. That’s when my second reason to live comes on the scene. My gypsum for broken legs and painkillers for all the pain it takes me through to heal - You.

Mark, if I understood correctly, you don’t believe that you could help so much to go through depression and stop attempting suicide. So here I go - as an example for you to see and understand how we see you. And probably thousands of us, Markiplites, that you helped go through this shit called life.

First of all, you give me the most important things to heal those damn legs - hope for better tommorow and will to fight. How is that? We all know that you went through so much shit that many of us wouldn’t handle this. Your problems with Mom because of your choices,  Dad’s passing away, past relationships, dropping out of college and many more, clearly plenty more that we know of and we can imagine. But look where are you now - successfull man with a genuine smile on his face, with millions of people looking up to him, making people’s day, cheering them up. Making your dreams come true. Being so much better. Being someone we want to be one day - a happy person. And seeing your journey from someone in place similar to our now to such a wonderful person you are now, it sets amazing example. You’re showing that we can. That this IS possible to win this fight. Showing that those demons inside we’re struggling with are NOT better than us. They aren’t so strong as we might think - all it takes to kill them is will to fight and hope. When I have those bad moments, I look at you and I tell myself “fuck, I can do it. I know I can. He knows I can” I wipe away my tears, tell myself to stop “being lil bitch” and get up from my knees. You keep complementing your fans and how amazing we are, it makes me feel like a princess. Which means I can’t look at the ground and give up - how can I let it happen if my crown can fall down? You gave me this crown. Crown of confidence, will to fight and hope. I can't loose it, it’s the best gift I ever received and probably the best I will ever had. When I feel bad with my looks, I literally hear you in my head saying how beautiful we are and that every feature in our body is beautiful, because they make us be us. And I started to believe it. You’re the one that made me believe there aren’t flaws in our bodies - cause all of our features are beautiful, so how can something beautiful be a flaw? You’re the one that cheers us up, you’re the one that puts smile on our faces when we’re crying and you’re the one giving us strenght to fight. You keep telling how you believe in us, that you are here for us, WITH us - and we believe you. You’re so genuine and honest with who you are, that I personally find it impossible to not believe you. Everytime it’s bad for me - I literally hear your voice in my head saying that’s it’s gonna be ok and I can reach the stars. I imagine you being beside me, hugging me and making me smile, whispering in my ear that’s it’s ok to cry and let it out, because everyone do it, but I have to stop, because I have to keep going. I imagine you holding my hand and smiling at me reassuringly, making me get up and keep going to make you proud. Cause I really want to make you proud of me as much as I am proud of you, proud of amazing hero you became. I look up to you to become person you are now and I’m fighting with myself, because this is the hardest battle I can have and thanks to you I believe I can do it. 

I really understand how you feel. How hard it is for you to figure things out right now. I’m dealing with similar shit right now,, cause I’m in a dead point where I don’t know what to do with my life. All I know now is that I have to fight. And I’m sure you know it too.

Mark, if you need, take a few days off. Think about life and what you want to do now. Set yourself a new goal. Talk to your mom, brother. Talk to Tyler, Bob and Wade as they are with you from the beggining. If you feel like it, talk to your fans. Connect with them more. It can help more than you think. Maybe we can help you figure something out - who knows. Especially that you said you miss being closer to us. If you feel you don’t have enough time - why don’t you take offer of taking days of just to talk with fans? It will give you extra time that you would spend on recording and editing to spend it with us. Connect with them on social medias as we are everywhere, go out to the city with Markiplites, cause many of them live in your area. No recording, no phones - just talking and spending some time with friends (may I call us your friends?). 

Remember. Take. Your. Time. 

We’re here for you. We love you. We stand by your side whatever happens. And we will always be here for you. No matter what decisions you will make, we are here.  And don’t say you don’t deserve it all - you became a real life hero. Have you ever seen those edits we make? “Not all heros wear capes, mine doesn’t even wear pants”, “my hero wears headphones instead of cape”, no matter how big of a joke it might sound, it’s true. It’s real, Mark. You ARE our hero. You give us all we were looking for. 

That’s all I’m gonna say. I’m sorry it came out pretty long, I just needed to pour it out. I’m damn sure it has billion mistakes - I’m writing it for an hour now and crying almost two, so I can’t see clearly. Plus I’m from Poland, which makes english my foreign language, it’s not perfect in my case. And to top it all - I haven’t slept for 20-something hours. I know what I wrote is not perfect, but it’s honestly what is in my heart. I wanted to tell you this all in person one day, but it seems like you need those words now. Mark Edward Fischbach - we love You,