#improudofthis

I wrote this a few days ago, and @suckonmybalz just made my choice on whether to post it or not, because I am in fact, a coward. This is the first Ryan fic that I’ve ever posted, and it makes me nervous.

Warning: mentions of suicide and miscarriage.

Cringe worthy angst.

If I can't let you go will darkness divide?

For the fiction of love is the truth of our lies.

We were playing for keeps, but we both knew the cost.

Now the only way out’s in your heart shaped box.

~~~~~~~~~~

I still hear her agonized screams even in the dead of night, and it keeps me from getting any semblance of sleep. The pain she endured for me and only me, looking back, I shouldn’t have played the game I got involved with. I got sent on a job, to take this seemingly innocent girl and fucking destroy her.

“I plan on keeping you forever Sitkowski. I love you.”

“Only if I can keep you Y/L/N, I love you more.”

I sigh and set my guitar down as gently as I can before pulling my vans on and walking out of my room, met with the worried eyes of my roommate Rick.

“Where you going?”

“I’m gonna go for a walk. Try to clear my head.”

“It’s been a year dude. She’s gone.”

“I know, and I fucking did it. I’m going for a walk.”

I walk out the door and into the dark and snow dusted Scranton night, taking a deep breath and heading into the woods behind the house, my safe place.

~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N P.O.V.

I wake up gasping for air like I have every day for the last seven months, immediately placing my hand over the scar on my chest. I can feel the tears streaming down my face with no end as I quietly pull a pair of sweat pants on my pale, scarred legs. My memories eating me alive as I do so.

“I plan on keeping you forever Sitkowski. I love you.”

“Only if I can keep you Y/L/N, I love you more.”

I pull a pair of black boots on and make my way out of my apartment, under the watchful eyes of my best friend Y/BFF/N.

“Where you going?”

“I’m gonna go for a short walk.”

“It’s been a year baby girl, he’s gone.”

“I know. But he fucking did this to me. I won’t go far. I want to go to the pond in the woods.”

She just nods and lets me leave, and I proceed to step out into the pitch black darkness of the Scranton evening. I can feel the snow fall around me as I set off across the creek in the yard, to the woods, my sanctuary.

~~~~~~~~~~

But I hate that it seemed you were never enough

We were broken and bleeding but never gave up

And I hate that I made you the enemy

And I hate that your heart was the casualty

Now I hate that I need you.

~~~~~~~~~~

I walk for what feels like hours listening to the sounds of the woods around me, before I come upon the small pond I usually sit at. I sigh loudly into the frigid night air and sit on a tree trunk that must’ve uprooted recently, as I lean back against the sturdy roots and fix my hat on my head, looking up at the stars.

“Fuck.”

I quickly sit up and look across the pond. Where the blonde hair of a stranger is the only thing I can see as she sits at the edge of the water, hand to her chest. Y/N flashes into my head. Her smile, her laugh, the way she used to mess with me while I was playing guitar. The look on her face as I pulled the trigger and shot her straight in the chest, forever etched into my memory as she finally doubted everything I had ever said to her with her last dying breath.

“I thought… you loved me.”

Oh god I do.

“I never did. I needed to make you believe it to get you to let me in. Stupid little girl.”

Oh god you were never stupid.

“I knew it. I knew you were too good to be true.”

Oh baby. You’re the one too good to be true. You’re perfect.

“Of fucking course. Why would I ever love someone like you. Worthless, overweight, pitiful.”

Oh god oh god no. I love you.

I watched the life leave those beautiful blue eyes before I hopped out the window of the apartment we once shared.

~~~~~~~

Y/N P.O.V.

I walk for only a short time, finding warmth in the color of his honey brown eyes in the sun as I remember everything about him. I remember his laugh, the look of mischief in his eyes when he surprised me with something. The look of joy when I would mess with him as he played guitar.

I quickly drop to the ground at the edge of the pond I spend most of my time around, holding my hand to my chest, feeling the now irregular beat of my heart.

I catch something moving in the reflection on the water, and Ryan immediately flashes into my memories, causing me to whimper lightly, feeling tears fall down my face in torrents.

I remember all of the I love you’s we had once shared, that is… before he pulled the trigger and shot me straight in my chest. I remember the animalistic look in his eyes as I turned around, glock nine also pointed at his head.

I remember the terror in those honey colored orbs as I spit up blood for the first time, and realization hit me like a freight train.

“I thought… you loved me.”

Oh god please tell me you love me before I die.

“I never did. I needed to make you believe it to get you to let me in. Stupid little girl.”

Oh god how could I be so fucking stupid.

“I knew it. I knew you were too good to be true.”

Oh baby. You always were too good to be true. You’re perfect, I’m not.

“Of fucking course. Why would I ever love someone like you. Worthless, overweight, pitiful.”

Oh god, nobody could ever love me anyways.

I watched the life leave those beautiful brown eyes as he said the words, leaving me for dead on the kitchen floor of the apartment we both shared once upon a time ago.

~~~~~~~~~~

As we rest here alone like notes on a page

The finest to compose could not play our pain

With a candle through time I could still see your ghost

But I can't close my eyes, for it is there where you haunt me most.

~~~~~~~~~~

I watch the girl for what feels like forever, hearing her heartbroken whimpers as she pulls her knees up against her chest and wraps her arms around them. I watch her, and remember the love of my life.

I remember that fateful night like it was yesterday, it replays when I close my eyes, Y/N’s blonde hair haunting me like a ghost to this day. I was working late, had to do something for my boss as well as talk to Chris about the new record, so I got home late, immediately loading one in the chamber as I silently opened the door, spotting Y/N standing in the dark kitchen, not a light on in sight.

“Babe?”

“In the kitchen honey.”

My intention was to shoot her in the head, one and done. But that’s definitely not how it worked out when she pulled an untraceable Glock nine out of the back of her jeans and touched the barrel to my forehead right as I rested the barrel of my gun right in the middle of her chest. There was no talking. We were both testing the other with our eyes only as we stared each other down. I just so happened to pull the trigger first. Ruining my entire life in seconds. Having to lie to the love of my life as she fucking died.

I could feel the roots of the tree against my back as the girl across the pond kept her eyes focused on the water.

~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N P.O.V.

I could feel the scar in my chest beating in time with what is left of my heart as I whimper quietly to myself, watching the man across the pond in the water. Remembering the love of my life; and everything we went through.

He had to work late, and my boss gave me the go ahead to end him, knowing that I didn’t want to. I couldn’t and I knew it. I got home and stood in the kitchen for almost an hour. To afraid to do anything except sip my glass of wine as the door opened and I heard Ryan.

“Babe?”

“In the kitchen honey.”

My breath caught in my throat at the sound of him walking up behind me as I turned around and rested the barrel of my gun against his forehead, wanting so badly for my lips to be there instead. I felt the cold metal of his weapon resting between my breasts as I tried to keep my breathing steady, challenging him with my eyes, having faith in his love for me. He was ice fucking cold as he smirked at me and pulled the trigger, piercing my heart and shattering my chest plate, almost killing me. But what didn’t kill me, made me wish I was dead, because I knew that the person I loved the most didn’t fucking love me.

I groaned against my legs and cried as quietly as I could, as the guy across the pond watched me intently while leaning against an uprooted tree.

~~~~~~~~~

I hate that it seemed you were never enough

We were broken and bleeding but never gave up

And I hope that I sing through your memory

As we echo through time in the melody

Now I hate that I need you.

~~~~~~~~~~

I listened to the girl cry for god knows how long before she made a move to adjust her position, crying out a name that sounded vaguely like mine as she shifted her weight. I watched her intently as images and moments flashed in front of my eyes.

The day I saved Y/N’s life when she tried to kill herself. The day she came to my house when I got off tour because I was in a severe depression and I needed her. The day we found out we were expecting, followed shortly by the worst miscarriage. The day I told her I loved her the first time, and how shell shocked she looked.

In that moment I heard it clear as fucking day.

“Why me? Why me Ryan why?!”

My head shot up and I watched as she wiped her eyes on her hoodie for the billionth time.

“I fucking hate that I need you. I hate that I was never enough.”

In that second I felt my entire world come crashing down, hearing the raw sound of Y/N’s voice somewhere else but my memories.

~~~~~~~~

Y/N P.O.V.

I know my judgement lapsed as I cried his name out against my sleeve covered hand, the memories pelting me from every angle at once. The day he saved me when I tried to kill myself. The day I spent in his presence because he wasn’t feeling right when he got back from tour. The day I found out I was pregnant, and excitedly told him, watching him drop to his knees as he cried happy tears and kissed my belly, and the disasterous miscarriage that destroyed me. The day he told me he loved me and I couldn’t believe him no matter how many times he told me.

I gasped loudly and bit my hand, letting out a strangled cry, “why me. Why me Ryan, why?”

I wiped my eyes on my hoodie sleeve for the millionth time as the tears kept dripping down my face.

“I fucking hate that I need you. I hate that I was never enough.”

My head shot up as the voice of my memories replied.

“I hate that it seemed you were never enough. We were broken and bleeding and never gave up.”

In that second. The voice of my worst nightmares hit me straight in my soul as I put my hand over the crater in my chest.

~~~~~~~~~~

And I hear you now when you said "It hurts, but it had to fall apart to work"

As I see you now in what's left of me

Is it too late to plead insanity?

~~~~~~~~~~

Oh god. Is it really her?

Oh god… is it really him?

Does she hate me?

Is he going to try to kill me again?

She’s still so beautiful.

He still looks just as handsome after all this time.”

I couldn’t hold myself in that spot any longer as I got up and all but sprinted around the pond towards the voice that sang in my memories. I dropped to my knees next to her and held her face in my hands, making sure every detail was the exact same, the only difference being the don light in her lively blue eyes.

“It hurts, but it had to fall apart to work.”

I felt my chest caving in as she held onto my hands and looked into my eyes, almost questioning me silently.

“If you’re going to try to kill me again, please make sure you do it this time.”

“Is it too late to plead insanity?”

~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N P.O.V.

I could feel my entire body shrinking in on itself as Ryan all but ran at me from where he was once rooted to the spot. He dropped to his knees and even slid a small distance before he grabbed my face and held it between his warm palms, analyzing every single feature. I’m sure he noticed the dead bulb behind my eyes as I examined him just the same. I gently put my hands over his and felt the tears dripping down my face anew.

“It hurts, but it had to fall apart to work.”

I questioned him silently with my eyes before I mustered up the strength and courage to talk again.

“If you’re going to try to kill me again, please make sure you do it this time.”

“Is it too late to plead insanity?”

Ryan didn’t skip a beat in letting my face go and holding my hands in his larger warm ones.

~~~~~~~~~~~

'Cause I hate that it seemed you were never enough

You were broken and bleeding in the name of love

And I hope that we meet in another life

I don't hate that I need you.

~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N watched me intently the entire time before she pulled her knees back up.

“I hate that it seems I was never enough. I was broken and bleeding in the name of love. And I hoped that we’d meet in another life.”

“I don’t hate that I need you Y/N.”

“I don’t hate that I need you either Ryan.”

~~~~~~~

Y/N P.O.V.

I guess another life came sooner than I thought as I stared my past life in the face with a gaping hole in my chest.

I pulled my knees back up and looked back out at the water, after watching Ryan intently.

“I hate that it seems I was never enough. I was broken and bleeding in the name of love, and I hoped that we’d meet in another life.”

“I don’t hate that I need you Y/N.”

I felt my heart skip a beat as I looked at him out of the corner of my eye as he stared at me like I was an angel.

hoi