#imisshersofuckingmuch

This is all so new. Twitter wasn’t giving me enough space to speak to you and the writing in a book has taken such a long pause I feel absurd picking it back up now. I’m sorry that I failed you there Wife. I really am. 

Tonight I am a mess. The hole in my heart festering and raw. Only this time I truly am alone. There is no one to call to come and sit with me while I cry over how much I miss you. I miss her too. So much.

How could any of this happen? What was the logic behind it. I try not to dwell on it because it does me no good. There are no answers to this pondering, just endless tears. I have been trying to be so strong for the both of you these past two weeks but it all has come crushing back in full force. 

In my need to be near you again, to hear your voice- I miss your voice- I went back and read your tumblr. I am so sorry for ever making you feel so sad. It was stupid and petty and had nothing to do with you. I glad we made it through the rough patches. That we learned to speak without being so ridiculous. 

I miss that now more than ever. Despite those around me who assure me that I can call on them it isn’t the same. They won’t laugh at the jokes about how I feel like Khaos, entirely alone. No one gets how we can listen to a single song for hours at a time while playing with pictures just to make a pretty banner just because. I don’t feel able to be completely open with anyone else. The closest person was my mom and now she is also gone. Who does that leave? Where do I turn to now?