#im finally back

You never really felt like you were worth much to begin with.

I mean, who would love something like you? Who could?

You weren't even somebody. You were something.

You weren't used to effort. If anything, you were afraid of it. If it was unfamiliar, you hated it. You hated nearly everything.

You were always so angry, yet you never knew why. You never meant to be this way. You had just been guided wrong by your parents, and instead of questioning them, you followed them blindly.

You were taught that love is difficult. Only the most worthy people deserve it, and in order to deserve it, they have to earn it. It isn't just given out. Nothing in life is free.

It didn't start at a specific age. You were born like this. You were born into this life. You were raised by angry parents.

When you were younger, they argued a lot. You never liked it, but you never really spoke up, either. Why would you? You didn't want to get yelled at again.

They'd always team up on you, too.

Anytime you asked either of them about your grandparents, they always froze. It wasn't loud and dramatic. It was silent, and you hated it. They wouldn't yell at you then. They'd just stare with an expression you couldn't really make out.

You hated silence. It always got you hurt.

Or maybe you always got yourself hurt. You weren't sure. Either way, you didn't like it.

Silence usually meant anger, just less dramatic.

Silence meant that they were planning something, and that "something" was always them taking their anger out on you.

You learned to hate silence by the time you were five.

And you learned to hate loudness by the time you were six.

You never exactly liked it to begin with. Nobody likes when things are too loud. It's overwhelming and flashy and... just too much.

Loudness usually equaled insults and name-calling. Sometimes, it also meant getting hurt physically. You were used to your parents slapping you in the mouth for having an attitude or talking back.

Well, that's what they claimed it was, at least. You knew it was just an excuse that they liked to use so they could try and justify hitting their kid.

Your mother was usually more physically violent than your dad since she claimed she had the right to be. She was a woman, and she would much rather hit you herself than allow your father to do so.

It didn't matter who hit you, though. It would hurt regardless. They were both rough, after all.

It hurt each time, but you eventually got used to it... a little bit.

Young children don't forget, though. They hold onto things. They remember everything. They remember those hurtful words you spat in the heat of the moment, making them wonder if it was really just your anger speaking or if it was you. They remember the look in your eyes. They remember your body language. They remember what to avoid. They remember what to listen for.

They remember the way you made them feel. Useless, scared, desperate... they remember it all.

Your parents never paid attention to that, though. I mean, it wasn't like they were the ones getting hurt, so why would they care, right?

It took you a few years to find something that you didn't hate. You enjoyed music a lot. Music never left you alone to fend for yourself.

You weren't sure how you got into the entertainment industry in the first place. You were a freshman in high school. Everything happened so quickly that you didn't even remember how you were chosen to become a trainee.

One thing was for sure, though. Your parents were there to keep you on your toes at all times.

They wanted to make sure you wouldn't embarrass them or bring shame to their name. They always wanted to make sure you were the best behaved there.

But that was the problem. You didn't know how to behave. They never really taught you. The only thing they taught you was fear of disobeying them.

So, you decided to remain quiet instead. If you didn't start any arguments, then you couldn't get in trouble. Simple.

Months passed, and you advanced further and further. Despite being young, you were already admired by a few other trainees, some of which were even older than you.

But even as the months passed and you were considered and recommended by different groups, you didn't exactly feel like you were worth anything. You had always struggled with self-worth thanks to your parents, but seeing all of the other girls that were much better than you made you even more insecure.

You managed to balance out your school life with your training, as your school was pretty graceful with their attendance policies.

It took another month for you to gain some sort of attention from other trainees. It was around the end of the year 2016.

And they weren't exactly what you expected.

They were all young men. You thought that you would have been picked out by a girl group or something along the lines of it.

Instead, you were noticed by other trainees who were also under JYP.

The one whose eye you caught was supposedly the leader of the small group of five that he had already formed.

Although you didn't exactly match the other boys' energy, you were still talented. You were shy, but your love for singing and constantly trying to improve yourself intrigued the young man who asked if you wanted to be one of his members.

You soon learned that the leader's name was Bangchan, or Chris, or Chan-

You didn't know. He apparently went by a lot of names, but he told you to just call him Chan to keep things simple.

So, you did.

As the months went by, you continued advancing in both school and your training.

Chan was kind and caring, but he could also be a bit strict at times. He was a bit harsher on the others than he was on you, probably because you were constantly improving anyway. You never really needed much scolding. You already got enough of it when you were younger.

Time went on, and more members joined.

They were all different in their own way, but you all had something in common: you were all chosen by Chan. He saw something in all of you, whether it be personality, talent, passion, potential, or all four. He never really treated anyone differently.

But the thing that bothered your other members was how painfully shy you were. You almost refused to speak unless you had to.

It wasn't that you didn't know how to talk. You obviously knew how to speak. You just... chose not to most of the time.

No matter how much they tried to talk to you, you just couldn't get yourself to open up. Sure, you would smile and respond to small talk to avoid silence and awkwardness, but other than that, you never really tried to connect with them.

They didn't exactly dislike you for it, but it did create some sort of tension that you couldn't explain.

You just didn't want to mess up. You didn't want to accidentally get on a touchy topic with one of them and then get into an argument. You didn't want to blow up at them like your parents constantly did at you.

You didn't spend all of your time with them, though, which you were grateful for. Since you were fairly close to Seoul, the company allowed you and a few other members to live with your parents during training.

You soon had to switch to online school, but you hated every second of it. School and training were your only escape from your parents, so now you only had one way to get away from them.

You especially hated not being able to go to school in person anymore since the physical abuse became more severe.

You had been on your best behavior while training, but when the company expressed their concern of your intense shyness to your parents... yeah, that night wasn't pretty.

It resulted in another argument, and when you tried to call them out for the way they were acting, which you claimed was immature, they called you a hypocrite. Each time you tried to stand up for yourself, they grabbed and scolded you all over again.

Your mother tried to slap some sense into you, and eventually, you had to raise your hand and cower to get her to stop. She claimed you were being "disrespectful" and had a "bad attitude." She said she was just trying to fix you.

You didn't feel like it was intense enough to call the police, especially since it would be a whole big deal. It still hurt, though. Your skin was irritated and red for the rest of the night, but you never spoke up about it to anyone. You were too afraid to anyway.

Maybe that was how the anger built up so quickly. Your fear turned into anger.

You were never angry at anyone in particular. You weren't even angry at your parents, the ones who caused you to feel like this in the first place.

No. You were angry at yourself. You were angry at yourself for being so weak and unable to defend yourself. You wanted to be tough. You wanted to have a voice.

But every time you were slapped in the mouth for it, you were reminded just how scared you really were.

You weren't brave. You never would be.

You would always be angry and unsure and afraid, and you couldn't do anything about it.

Soon, you learned that it was better to be around your new group than your parents. You probably should've known it from the start, but you were just confused at first.

As time went on, the group was a bit more strict on each other. You remained quiet, as always, but you did try to comfort your other members when Chan scolded them. Even though you knew they were intimidated by him, you could tell he was only doing it out of love. He just wanted everyone to succeed, and if that meant being a bit harsher to get his point across, then so be it.

You did notice that you had an attitude sometimes, though, even when you didn't mean to.

Your attitude became especially bad when Felix, a boy from Australia, joined the group in early 2017, just a few months after you.

You weren't trying to be rude, but the way he constantly tried talking to you threw you off. He was so patient, too. You always had your guard up, and when he made it falter, you felt... odd. You felt weak. You felt like you were gonna be ripped apart the second you tried trusting him.

So, instead, you shielded yourself by coming off as more hostile. You weren't outright rude to him, but you did try to send the message that you didn't want him around you.

You had pushed others away since you were a kid. Hell, your parents were the ones who taught you to do it in the first place. They were the first ones you pushed away emotionally, and it honestly prevented some of the major heartbreak you would have experienced later on. Their insults stung less. Their words meant nothing as time went on.

So, you tried to do the same with Felix. He was just too nice. You weren't just trying to protect yourself. You were trying to protect him as well. You didn't want to say something that you would regret later on.

But you still did. You said so much more than you ever meant to, and it was mean.

Felix tried talking to you around a month after he had joined, and despite knowing how timid and rough you could be, he still tried to approach you. It was kinda like a kind stranger with a scared stray animal on the streets.

You tried brushing him off, focusing extra hard on whatever task you had at hand just so you didn't have to speak to him.

But you could tell he wouldn't back off. He just kept trying to speak to you, his voice soft.

Despite how soft his voice was, it felt like a constant nagging jab. Why wouldn't he just leave you the hell alone? You were trying to be nice about it.

So, you took the next opportunity you could.

You knew it was wrong as soon as you even thought about it, but you were so defensive that you didn't even see past your own rude thought process.

When he fumbled a third time with his Korean while trying to speak to you, you took the chance.

"If you can't even speak properly, why are you trying to talk to me?"

And although he couldn't speak fluently, he understood. He understood that sentence fully, especially since it wasn't a bunch of complex words. It was simple Korean.

The question sounded almost innocent and joke-like. Almost.

But the way you said it was the main giveaway, plus your body language. The way you looked him up and down, the expression on your face... it was all a sign that you didn't want him near you. You didn't want him trying to communicate with you whatsoever.

The problem wasn't his Korean. You truly didn't care. It was just something you could jab at so he would get the hint.

And it worked a little too well.

The way his face dropped made you swallow nervously as your chest tightened. Your heart pounded, and gosh, you felt so guilty in that moment.

But you didn't know English, and he wasn't fluent in Korean, so you didn't know how to explain to him that what you just said wasn't true. You meant to say it as a joke.

You knew you didn't, though. It was better to be cruel and honest than cruel and a liar.

For the next week or so, Felix avoided you almost entirely. Guilt clawed at you, but you were too scared to say anything, so you stayed back.

It brought you a sort of relief, though.

Well, until Chan confronted you.

Chan had noticed the distance and tension between you two, but he knew you probably wouldn't try to explain, or you wouldn't give the full details, so he asked Felix instead.

And when he heard what you said to Felix, he was already angry. He knew you were shy, but that was no excuse to act out the way you did. You'd be turning 15 in April, and it was March. You were old enough to know better than to say something so rude and dismissive.

So, he approached you that day after practice. You were just about ready to go home.

As soon as he said your name in that certain tone, your stomach dropped. It wasn't friendly or to catch your attention like it usually was. You knew that he was angry about something, and the worst part was that you knew exactly what it was about. You knew someone would tell him soon, and you knew that it was probably Felix.

So, you just tried to suck it up and prepare for what was next.

"Y/N, I need to talk to you for a few minutes before you leave, please. It's important," he explained.

So, you set your bag back down and let out a shaky breath before turning to him and nodding.

You two stepped off to the side, and he let out a sigh before beginning.

"Y/N, what is your problem? Why would you talk like that to Felix?"

Yup. There it was. The accountability.

"I - I just wanted- I just wanted him to leave me alone. He wouldn't stop trying to talk to me, so I thought it would be better to just try and get my point across-" you stammered, beginning to ramble nervously.

Chan sighed, and it was the heavy, annoyed type. You suddenly felt too ashamed to even be in his presence anymore.

"Y/N, you do understand that he's in an entirely different country, right? He's not used to this yet. He doesn't understand everything we say to him, but he understands enough to know what you said to him, which was very wrong of you, first of all," the older member continued, fiercely defending the younger boy.

"Secondly, your attitude has seriously become a problem. I don't know what kind of issues you have going on at home, but you need to keep them there. Don't bring them here. You'll just hurt more people."

Oh, wow. Ouch. Big, big ouch.

'I don't know what kind of issues you have going on at home, but you need to keep them there.'

Yeah. That one stung a little more than you liked to admit.

Was that how bad it stung to Felix when you spoke to him like that last week?

You bit your lip, shifting it between your teeth nervously as Chan thought about what to say next.

"If I hear you doing this again, especially to Felix, I swear, Y/N- you can't keep doing this. It's really immature of you. I get that you're the youngest, but you're old enough to know what to say and when to say it. Seriously, you need to-"

You cut him off without even realizing it.

"Of course you take his side."

Oh, shit. Wrong timing and words, Y/N. Great job.

The way his face dropped made you sick to your stomach.

"Oh, really? So you think I'm picking favorites by defending someone who can't do it themselves because they don't know how to fully speak your language yet? Really, Y/N? You're so fucking immature. Grow up," he spat.

"Like, actually, what is your issue? Why are you being such an asshole lately? Is it something going on at home? If it is, then please enlighten me," he continued, his voice almost having a bite to it.

The cursing and name-calling didn't hurt. In fact, it barely even fazed you. It only hurt because of how much he kept mentioning home.

You remained silent, but you nodded ever so slightly. It was something going on at home.

But how could you explain that?

Exactly. You couldn't.

So, you didn't.

"Yeah, it is, but I - I don't want to talk about it if you're just gonna keep weaponizing it," you stammered, voice cracking slightly as you walked over and picked your bag up.

You saw the way he froze and tried to process what you had just said, but you didn't want to stay and hear the apology he had, so you left before he could conjure one up.

You knew it would hurt him, but at this point, you didn't care. Why try to sit back and explain something to somebody who didn't understand?

Your night only got worse from there.

Apparently, since you had been having behavioral issues, the company spoke with your parents by sending them an email. JYP told them to keep it under control. This was your first warning, and they would only give you one more before disregarding you entirely.

And your parents... yeah, they weren't happy, to say the least.

The night ended in you icing your cheek and eye. Your lip was busted, too.

They weren't beating you for no reason, exactly. It was for a reason, technically.

But it didn't excuse the abuse. You knew that, yet you still tried to excuse it. You were being a brat, after all.

You deserved it, didn't you?

You deserved this after treating others so cruelly. You told yourself it was just karma.

You didn't deserve karma when you were younger, though, yet you still received it any time you acted up.

So was it discipline, karma, or abuse?

You fell asleep while thinking about what to call it. The next day, you were relieved to see that the bruising wasn't too obvious. Well, on your cheek, at least.

You had to cover up your eye with some cheap foundation that you had in your nightstand. It was just from the nearby convenience store, but it worked just fine.

Your lip was a different story, though. You would definitely have to hide that one a bit better.

You were a bit tense during practice, but you tried not to show it. Even as you remained distant from everyone else, they thought it was normal.

But you caught the way Felix glanced over at you with that certain look in his eyes. It looked like guilt.

He felt guilty for getting you scolded by Chan. You could tell. He always put others above himself.

This time, you embarrassed yourself. If it was embarrassing to Felix to say something in Korean, it was only right for you to say something back to him in English.

"Sorry. I'm sorry for- uhm- rude - rude words," you mumbled to him at the end of practice, accent thick.

You didn't look at him while you said it. Your eyes met the floor instead, too ashamed to look him in the eyes after being so rude to him last week.

He just smiled softly and nodded.

He forgave you, but you were still tense. It wasn't about Felix. It was about your parents. You weren't scared of Chan because of him scolding you. You were scared of who you were becoming.

You didn't want to be angry like your parents. You wanted to be different.

The way Chan kept mentioning home the other day really set something off in you, and you hated that you were like this. Something so simple, such a simple question, was enough to make you angry.

Your words apparently stuck to him, too, though.

After practice, when you were quietly packing your things up and preparing to leave again, he stopped you.

He felt the way your shoulder tensed when he gently grabbed it to get your attention. He thought that was odd, but then again, maybe he had just startled you.

You moved a bit quicker than usual, your hand not exactly rough but not soft either as you removed his from your shoulder.

"Don't touch me," you muttered in a nervous tone. It wasn't defensive like most people usually said it. You seemed scared to speak up.

He nodded and apologized, giving you some space before swallowing and making eye contact.

He noticed the darker color beneath your eye, but he didn't want to say it straight up, so he took a different approach. A more honest and gentle approach would probably make him seem less demanding or observational.

"Hey, uhm... about yesterday, I-I'm sorry about the way I acted. I was just trying to defend Felix, but I took it a bit too far. I shouldn't have called you all those names and cursed at you," he began.

You swore you could see the shame running through him.

"And I shouldn't have kept mentioning your home life either. That was immature on my part, and I'm sorry. But, Y/N, please - please just know that I'm here if you need someone to talk to, okay? If things really are bad at home, I promise I'll listen to you. You can trust me."

Trust him? You didn't even trust yourself most of the time. You couldn't name one person that you truly trusted besides yourself, and that was only sometimes.

So, you just nodded and thanked him softly.

"Seriously, Y/N. I mean it. I know I was rude the other day. We got off on the wrong foot. Please, if you need anything, I'm right here. Always," he continued.

You really let his words sink in that time. He could probably see the way your face shifted slightly as you really comprehended what he was saying.

He was there if you needed someone because he knew how rough it could be. He never meant to come off as rude. He was just trying to defend Felix. He would have defended you the same way if somebody treated you like that.

You let yourself trust him, but only a little bit. He was the leader, after all. It was pretty much your job to trust him anyway.

But as the months passed by, you found yourself trusting other people as well.

And honestly, you hated all of it. You didn't want to risk being vulnerable by letting them in or speaking too much and too openly.

By the time all eight of you debuted after some intense emotional moments and second chances, you were almost done with your sophomore year. You'd be turning 16 in the next few weeks.

Even after debuting, though, even after nearly a year and a half with these young men that you were familiar with, you found it difficult to trust any of them.

Sure, you apologized and stuck up for Felix when others mocked him just like you did.

Sure, you were soft and gentle when they needed it.

But you still had your guard up, especially since you now had to live with all of them. The company claimed that it would be too much of a hassle if anyone still lived with their parents, local or not.

You broke the news to your parents, and the way they reacted hurt more than anything they had ever said to you.

"Okay? Bye."

They didn't even care.

You weren't surprised, though.

You just went through your things, picking out only your most valued and important items to bring along. Anything that you hadn't interacted with or thought about for at least two months went to charity and thrift shops for free. You weren't too worried about the money.

By the time you were done, you could fit everything into a large suitcase. Most of it was just clothes since you only had two pairs of shoes, and you only had one stuffed animal that you actually valued since your old friend from school got you it during a field trip. Your hygiene materials didn't take up much space, plus you needed to go shopping again soon anyway.

You thought you would become more aggressive living with all eight boys at once. You thought they would get on your nerves so badly that you'd shut yourself out even more.

But, surprisingly, you didn't. If anything, you felt calmer.

And as your tough girl act melted away slightly, they noticed. All of them.

You helped around a lot, but you had always done that. You did it in odd ways, though. You showed your care through acts instead of words or physical affection.

For example, one time when Han got sick, you prepared him some ginger lemon tea and some light, healthy snacks for him, putting it all on a larger dish and then knocking on his door. When he opened it, no one was there, but the dish was.

He heard a door close, and he knew it was probably yours. Everyone else was already asleep.

When he brought it up in the morning, none of the guys owned up to it. You remained quiet, but he saw the way your cheeks heated up in embarrassment. He called you out without even having to say your name.

Another time, Chan was having a hard time. You knew how hard he was on himself all the time, and sometimes, he fell into these sort of depression episodes. He would tell himself he wasn't worthy and needed to work harder to prove something to himself.

So when you got home from practice and saw that no one else was there (well, except for Hyunjin, who was taking a nap), you decided to clean up his room.

It wasn't bad, but it was pretty disorganized, and some things needed sanitizing.

You didn't really move anything, but you did fold some of his clothes for him and made his bed all fluffy and perfect. You took the empty plastic bottles out of his room and dusted the small nightstand beside his bed.

Neither of you were clean freaks, but it was always nice to have a tidy space to come back to after working all day.

He came into your room that night and thanked you. You gave him a soft smile, and before you could say anything, he sat on your bed and stayed there for an extra five minutes. You two got to talking, but as soon as the topic began getting sensitive, you went blank.

He was talking about how homesick he got sometimes, but when he asked how you felt about home, you stopped talking and paused for a second before trying to change the subject. It was obvious that home wasn't always your safe space, if it ever was to begin with.

He decided to back off and leave your room, but not without giving you a hug. He saw the way you scooted away beneath your blankets awkwardly, but he told you that he knew you needed some affection. You never really got any, not because they never tried to give it to you, but because you always denied it.

But despite the way you became less tense around everyone, they still noticed your habits.

A big one of yours was flinching, especially when someone raised their voice or moved too suddenly. The way your entire mood would shift was really a big sign that something wasn't right with you. Chan began wondering if that was the reason you hated talking about home, even before debuting.

You didn't mind living with them, but you did constantly have your guard up. When you couldn't fall asleep at night, you'd just sit in your room and listen. You'd never leave, but you'd always just make sure everyone was safe before finally drifting off after 30 minutes or so.

That was another one of yours. Despite being the youngest, you were always super alert. You hated when any of them argued.

One time, you even mistook Seungmin and Felix's playing as a real argument, so you stayed in the next room and listened, unsure if you were supposed to leave or not. You knew that they would never hurt each other, but you were just used to keeping an eye out in case anything got too bad.

But when Han asked you about it the next day, you went quiet. You tried to explain that you were just trying to make sure neither of them took it too far, but the way he looked at you told you that he knew something was up with you. There was a reason you acted like this.

You tried to trust them. You really did.

It was just so difficult. It wasn't like you could just trust them after everything you had been taught as a kid. It wasn't that they were bad people. You knew they were kind and warm and gentle. You knew they were funny and loving and caring. You knew they were loyal. You knew that they would protect you and each other no matter what.

You knew it wasn't their fault. You blamed yourself, if anything. You thought it was dumb to feel this way after being away from your parents for a few months now. You thought you were just overreacting.

You tried not to think about it too hard, but jealousy flooded through you each day.

You envied the way they could connect with each other so easily. They were so gentle with each other, too. They never had to doubt or worry that they would be taken advantage of for their gentleness like you were as a child.

You weren't mad at them. You were mad at yourself. So, you blamed yourself again.

Then, insecurity began. You always compared yourself to the boys. Not exactly their appearances or bodies, but their skills and personalities. You wanted to be as radiant as Felix. You wanted to rap like Changbin and have vocals as good as Seungmin. You wanted to be good with words like Chan was when he wrote his lyrics.

But it never came to you. No matter how much you tried to change yourself, it never worked. No matter how much you blamed yourself and blamed yourself and blamed yourself... nothing ever happened. All it did was build more anger up inside of you.

You really tried to control your anger. You tried more than you used to, at least.

Everything just kept building, though. It was rapid, and you couldn't do anything to slow it.

The boys all saw how stressed you were. Your body language, your sudden silence and tension, the way you would try to avoid them, the way your fists clenched slightly anytime somebody talked to you a little more than you wanted... they were all signs. You weren't just angry. You were exhausted. And most of all, you were afraid.

You began arguing more. Any time you felt threatened, you'd turn to arguing. It wasn't because you were emotional, though. It wasn't because you wanted to be right, either. It was because arguing was what you were used to. Arguing was always the only thing that would get your point across. Being soft and gentle always resulted in name-calling, and your parents always told you to toughen up as soon as you showed any reaction.

You had kind of a shield, and if anybody broke past it, you would shove them right back out.

You were good at pushing people away. You were good at avoiding people. You were good at getting angry. You were good at holding onto things. You were good at remembering things. You were especially good at protecting yourself the way you knew how to.

You weren't good at communicating. You weren't good at being gentle. You weren't good at staying calm and trying to explain yourself. You weren't good at expressing yourself. You weren't good at accepting kindness. You weren't good at loving.

You weren't good at a lot of things, especially positive things. Maybe it was why you held so much resentment towards yourself for something that was engraved into you since you were young. You were set up, and you fell for it. Now, here you were at freshly 17, trying to fix yourself.

But you couldn't do it alone.

You tried to rush it. You tried way too hard to be gentle with yourself, and in the end, it only made you angrier with how weak you felt.

Why were you so soft? What the hell were you doing?

Why were you acting like this? Why couldn't you just be like your other members?

Why couldn't you just be normal?

The questions rang in your head. You didn't know how to silence them, so you let them eat away at you instead. Oh, well. You'd get used to it. You always did.

But the next day, when Han kept trying to interact with you after seeing how tense you were all week, his voice added to your own.

The questions began all over again, and then your own mind chimed in.

Just act normal.

Don't lash out.

Why can't you just be normal?

He's just trying to be nice. Don't be a bitch.

Quit being so rude, Y/N.

"Y/Nnie, come onnn! Speak to meee!" Han whined playfully, gently shaking you by the arm.

"Stop, Han," you mumbled, trying to sound playful as well. It didn't come out as that, though.

He paused and went quiet for a few seconds. He had been trying to get a reaction out of you for a couple of days now. It was usually at practice. Now, he was sitting in your bed, in your room, in your personal space.

Your heart raced. You felt like you wanted to throw up. You hated that he was this close to you. You hated that you weren't doing anything about it.

You weren't mad that he was trying to connect with you. You understood that part. You were just so fed up with everything, plus the physical exhaustion and tension you held on to felt like it was ripping you apart.

The question came back again.

Why couldn't you just be normal?

When Han kept touching you, you said in a more serious tone for him to stop. He listened that time, but not without a small frown. He wanted to have fun with you and try to give you some sort of affection.

You knew how clingy Han was. You didn't find it weird, just... new. Unusual. You weren't used to it.

You felt like your mind went blank as he kept speaking to you.

"Y/Nnie, please don't shut me out. Please? Let's just talk. I barely even know anything about you," he continued, taking a gentle approach.

"Good," you mumbled.

It wasn't much, but it was enough.

He stopped in his tracks. You swore you could see the anticipation in his face melt away just like that.

"Jisung, please. I - I don't want to do this right now. Just give me some time, and then I'll be ready. I swear," you mumbled.

You put your head in your hands as they began to shake slightly. You weren't angry. You were nervous. Your heart was already racing.

"You said that last week, Y/N. Please just let me in. Let one of us in. Let someone in. We're a group. We know it's hard to be away from your parents, but-"

"Stop talking about them! I don't- no! I don't miss them! I don't miss home!" you snapped.

You thought that would be the end of it, but the way you got up and walked toward the door made him try one more time.

"Why do you always do this? You act like I'm trying to be rude when all I'm doing is trying to make you feel more welcomed, Y/N. You've been so stressed lately. Anytime someone tries to help you, it's like you shut down. Why can't we just-" Han defended himself, his own heart racing now.

"Stop fucking talking, Han! What do you not understand about the word 'no'?! Is it that hard for you to comprehend?! Seriously, is it?! I've said over and over for you to give me space, and you never listen. I get that you're all buddy-buddy with everyone else, but- just- fuck, man! Give me some time!" you immediately fired back, raising your voice slightly.

"I don't understand why you can't just-" you continued before you heard your door open.

You stopped and looked back to see who it was, and when you did, your stomach dropped.

It was Chan. He caught you losing your temper with someone... again. First, it was Felix. Now, it was Han. You had snapped at both of the boys who were practically the sunshines of the group.

You saw the disappointment in his eyes, and it made you sick. Why couldn't you just not break one simple rule?

You didn't even try to defend yourself this time. You just looked away from him in shame, hands wrapped around your sides. Your fingers squeezed into your skin, prodding at your ribs.

Han tried to stick up for you despite how badly you had just snapped at him. He knew that something was going on with you. Sure, he didn't like the fact that you got angry at him, but he tried to reason with you. He saw the signs that something wasn't right with you. He tried to understand you at least a little bit.

"Hyung, really, it's not- she didn't mean to," Han stammered, "I was just-"

"It's fine. Just step out for a second and let me talk to her, okay?" Chan replied, voice calm.

Han hesitated, but he knew that he couldn't argue, so he spared a glance at you before stepping out of your room, shutting the door softly behind him.

Chan waited until he heard Han walk away. He didn't want him listening in on the conversation between you two.

"Look at me."

Your heart hammered against your ribs.

"Y/N, look at me."

Your guts twisted in nervous anticipation.

When he stepped forward, you flinched back, mumbling a quick apology before obliging.

Your eyes were wide. Your hands moved from your sides to your forearms, squeezing the skin there to have something to hold.

He let out a sigh before speaking.

"What's going on?"

The question was simple, but it weighed down on you so heavily that it felt like it was crushing you. You stayed silent.

"You've been so tense lately. Have you been taking care of yourself? Is it us? Do you really need space?" he continued, trying to figure out what was going on with you.

He wanted to help, and you wanted to let him in. Really, you did. But something kept nagging at you. You felt like you couldn't trust anyone. They would use your vulnerability against you.

There were too many questions at once.

"I - I don't know," you mumbled, voice already breaking as your chest tightened.

You knew that wasn't really an answer, but what could you even say? You didn't want to expose yourself, but at the same time, it was the main reason you acted the way you did.

But you just had to open up. You were so tired of holding it all in.

"I just- my parents-" you stammered, sounding almost choked.

He didn't get angry or scoff. He didn't act annoyed or claimed you were being dramatic.

Instead, he was gentle.

"Here, come here. Let's sit on your bed, yeah? Let's talk. Come on," he said in a soft voice, gently grabbing your arm and leading you over to your bed, sitting down beside you.

"What about your parents? What happened?" he continued, keeping his hand slightly beside you so that you could grab it if you wanted to.

"They hate me, Chan," you sobbed, voice breaking as your eyes watered.

"Ever since I was a kid, I've just- it's never enough for them. Nobody's ever loved me," you finally exposed yourself.

His entire mood seemed to shift, but not in the angry way like your father's. Instead, he listened.

"I don't know how to just be normal. I'm always so angry, and I don't wanna say it's their fault, but- all the hitting and the yelling and the names, I just don't-" you continued, pausing to catch your breath.

You thought you were just catching your breath. In reality, you were hyperventilating. You weren't aware of it, but you were so terrified of speaking about and acting like your parents that it set you off entirely.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. Breathe, Y/Nnie," Chan mumbled, his hands gently steadying you.

It took you a couple of minutes to calm down slightly, and you were eventually able to finish speaking.

"I guess I just never had the support I needed, and I always lash out at people for it. I - I don't mean to, but growing up, my parents never listened. They always argued, and if I didn't argue, they would just..." you paused, not wanting to say too much.

But Chan caught on. Of course he did. He always did. He wasn't the leader for no reason.

"Y/N, look at me. Please," he asked softly.

You did despite your embarrassment.

"I'm here to help you. I'm not telling anyone about this unless you want me to, or you do it yourself. Do you understand? I'm not here to judge you. I'm here so you don't have to go through everything alone like you have been," he reassured you, grabbing your attention again as soon as you broke eye contact.

"Are we clear? Can you trust me?"

The pit in your stomach remained.

He didn't rush your answer. He was patient.

After a few long seconds, you nodded, biting your lip to prevent a sob from escaping.

"I trust you," you mumbled, the words heavy on your tongue.

You felt like you were handing a stranger a loaded gun, which was odd. He wasn't a stranger. You had known him for so long now. You were so familiar with him, but you weren't. You weren't close with any of your other members.

He smiled and nodded.

"Can we talk about your parents then?" he asked, knowing it was the main thing you kept mentioning.

You nodded, letting out a small, shaky breath before taking in another one.

"Yeah. Yeah, we can do that, I guess," you replied.

Ten minutes went by.

You were tense at first, but each time you wanted to shut down, Chan reminded you that he was there, not to judge you, but to help. He wanted to see, hear, and most of all, understand.

Another ten minutes passed.

You had cried a couple of times by now. You were telling him all about the abuse your parents put you through ever since you were young. You told him how unlovable it made you feel. You told him how worthless you felt all the time, and you even asked him why he chose you in the first place. What did he even see in somebody like you?

And by the end of it, you were tired.

"But, uhm... I don't know. I just honestly wish I was able to... I guess... express myself better. I hate being angry, but nobody ever listens unless I yell and argue. That's the only thing I've ever grown up with. It's kinda hard to change once it's been so long," you finished off with a small shrug.

Chan looked upset now, too. Not because of you, but because of the realization that you weren't aggressive. You weren't angry all the time. You were just following what you were used to. You were trying to protect yourself.

You were so used to violence that it was basically the only thing you knew now.

So, he'd have to try a little harder. He'd have to be a little more patient.

He'd have to show you that love doesn't have to be scary, and it doesn't have to be earned either.

It was slow at first.

You tried to get used to affection, and it wasn't just physically. You tried to accept compliments without finding a problem with what they said. You tried arguing less and instead expressing yourself in a calmer manner. You tried to be kind to yourself.

It took a few weeks, but eventually, you got used to the hugs and compliments. They became more frequent as you adjusted.

You still had trouble with your temper and expressing yourself, though.

You even snapped at Chan one time, and you felt so guilty that you avoided him for the rest of the day. Instead of connecting with him like you usually did at night, you laid in your bed on your side, the blanket lazily thrown over you as you stared at the wall, promising you'd be better tomorrow.

But the isolation became more and more common.

Every time you felt yourself getting closer, you would rip yourself away. It wasn't because anyone was doing anything wrong. It was because you were terrified of them understanding you more. You didn't want them seeing you for who you really were. You needed to guard yourself.

As the months passed, though, the boys' patience never wavered.

Even Felix, Chan, and Han were gentle with you despite your past interactions with them.

Chan stayed by your side and gave you space when you needed it, but he never gave you enough to make you feel alone. He always reminded you that he was right there.

You didn't interact with Minho much, but he was one of the oldest, so he took it as his responsibility to give you a sense of security. He never discouraged any sort of affection. He never walked away when you tried to speak to him.

Changbin took every opportunity as a way to connect. He found what you both liked and tried to grow on those topics so you'd become more comfortable with talking to him and the group as a whole.

Hyunjin allowed you to be quiet, but not by yourself. He was always quiet with you. He'd always sit down right next to you after a long day, allowing you to lean your head on his shoulder as you watched what he sketched. Words weren't usually shared, but your trust was.

Han was extra patient with you. When you got into an episode of depression, isolation, anger, or anxiety, he wouldn't get angry and try to dismiss it. Even if you lost your temper, he never viewed you as angry. He didn't make you into an example. He didn't mock you. Instead, he loved you. He would even take you away from the other members to calm down for a bit if you needed it, but it was never to embarrass you or single you out. If anything, it was to help you feel more seen and, more importantly, heard.

Felix was the sweetest. Whenever you'd apologize repeatedly for the way you two used to interact with each other in your pre-debut years, he'd always tell you not to beat yourself up over it and that you were both kids. He always reassured you in the most gentle ways. He was the one who was constantly trying to initiate physical affection with you, and 9 times out of ten, it worked.

Seungmin teased you, but he went easier on you than the other members, not because you were soft or too sensitive, but because he wanted to give you a chance to strike back each time. He never wanted to make you feel trapped. He wanted you to feel free to express yourself no matter what.

Jeongin let you be vulnerable. You probably made the most mistakes around him because you felt safe enough. You never felt judged around him, and that was his goal. His biggest thing was that he wanted you to trust him. He wanted to be somebody that you could come to without having to second guess yourself.

And by the time you were 18, officially an adult, you had more freedom. You finally felt like you were worth something.

You still had a problem, though, and it ate at you more than you liked to admit.

You had trouble saying "I love you" to the boys.

Sounds silly, but it was something that dug deep into your heart.

Love was just such a big word, though. Love meant that you were deeply connected to somebody. You were meant to be. You trusted them with everything in you.

And you just... didn't. Not yet, at least.

But, again, the boys fixed that, too. They never left you hanging.

They would say it every day. All of them.

They'd give you space, obviously, but they'd also make sure you heard them say it. They'd make sure you knew that they meant it, too.

After a couple of months, the word love became lighter and lighter. When you thought of love, you weren't afraid. You were warm. You were safe.

You were loved.

It took a while to truly accept it both personally and with the boys, but eventually, you believed it. Each time Han said that he loved you in that high voice of his, whining when you didn't hear him or say it back, you knew it was real. Every time Minho repeated it to annoy you until you said it back with a smile, you knew it was for a reason: because he loved you.

And as you kept growing, it was easier and easier to accept yourself. It became especially easy when you decided to block your parents' numbers at 19. If they didn't want you around, then they didn't deserve to contact you, either.

Because as the years went by, you realized something.

You had changed.

You had everything you needed right here.

You were loved.

But don't let that fool you. No matter what, you were still here. You were still real. You'd always get to thinking before bed, and it would hit you.

That girl is still deep down inside of me.

I bite.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHEWWWWW THIS TOOK FOREVAAAA BUT TBH I'M PRETTY HAPPY WITH HOW IT TURNED OUT!!!

WASSUP GUYSSS IT'S UR FAV GIRL WHO DOESN'T POST FOR MONTHS AND THEN SUDDENLY PULLS UP WITH AN ANGST FIC 😝

I RLLY RLLY HOPE U GUYS ENJOYED THISSS I KNOW I DEFINITELY DID WHILE WRITING IT <3

IM SOSOSOOOO SORRY FOR BEING GONE SO LONG OHMGOSH. LIFE GOT IN THE WAY SO BAD 😞‼️

BUT IM BACKCKCKCKCK JUST IN TIME FOR SUMMER AND HORRIBLE SLEEPING SCHEDULES 😛😛

THANK U ALL FOR UR SUPPORT, LOVE, LOYALTY, AND PATIENCE 🥹 IT TRULY MEANS SOSO MUCH TO ME LIKE U GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND 🫶🏻🫶🏻

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@iconicallyher @galaxy4489 @written-by-music @imnotsupposedtobedoingthis @straystar-8 @hanasdigitaldiary @skrach84 @mar1511 @heartsfromuknown @skz43ver @bbokarismeow @hyuneskkami @afkjade @goquokkaa @cerisevivii @eeorrrr @gabsdostraykids @ofcourse-not-ari @iloveyunjin @alondra6011 @p3pperm1nt-petty @angelesse @yourstargirlyyy @pearthesimp

GUYS IT WONT LET ME TAG CERTAIN BLOGS IDK WHY DONT KILL ME PLS I SWEAR IM TRYING TO TAG THEM IT WONT LET ME ;(