#ilyashane

Like Hayden brings up nervously one day ‘hey i noticed that Ilya calls you “my shane” almost every time he talks to/about you and that with him ordering your food and drinks… seems kind of possessive and strange.. And shane so hard just thinking about it he’s lightheaded just glares daggers and growls “don’t speak about my Ilya that way.” and Hayden never brings it up again.

cause hear me out --

it's the first conversation they've had since russia, right?

ilya has spent months living with his father's words in his head -- he's supposed to be the kind of captain that overcomes injured players and a team not 'clicking.' he's supposed to stop looking for someone else to blame. he's supposed to stop squandering the promise of who he was when he was younger.

so ilya has channeled all of that shame and rage and hurt into becoming the kind of captain who only needs one thing. the one who scores ten goals over six playoff games. the one who needs to win.

and he does.

and he has lived with his father's words in his head for months --

how are you not ashamed? i'm ashamed, father.

-- and he has isolated himself for all this time. he's pushed shane away. he's become the player his father insisted he should be. he's won the cup, but it's maybe cost him the faith he had in himself and the faith he hopesbelieveswishes shane might have had in him.

and then --

like it's simple.

like it's a possibility shane's considered and believes in as easy as breathing, shane asks, "and if you win?"

here, he wonders if shane used wanting to talk privately as an excuse so they could sleep together. i'm inferring a lot here, but i think that while ilya would 100% be super down for sex, if shane only wanted to fuck and didn't acknowledge the "shift" in their relationship, it would hurt ilya even if he didn't acknowledge it.

he knows there is something more to his relationship with shane, and i think he definitely knows what he wants with shane here but won't admit it to himself. that's why he can think "it doesn't matter what we want anyway." he is admitting it to himself, but is immediately shutting it down.

once shane comes out and ilya tells shane about his family, about his father's alzheimer's, and about feeling unsafe about being gay in russia, shane is able to make a lighthearted jab at ilya and himself. ilya then is able to admit his feelings/desires through the most comfortable way he is able to express himself- through physicality and sex.

later, ilya wants to whisk shane away to a place where they can be just them and not worry about the outside world. later in this conversation shane brings up his cottage being his favorite place in the world and how he is going there this summer while ilya goes to russia.

during the phone call scene after his father's death, he is able to let his guard down in russian. having the safety of knowing shane would not record him and translate his words (though the thought briefly occurs). he even begins to consider shane a friend (the safest label he can place on their relationship). being able to finally admit outloud what he had been feeling for a long time but was not willing to face it.

when ilya brings up wanting to become canadian or american, he figures it's the most sensible thing to marry an american (svetlana) for citizenship since he plays for an american hockey team. he also almost slips and reveals that he doesn't love svetlana, but implies he does love someone, which shane does not pick up on. also is when shane brings up the cottage again, but this time he suggests ilya coming to the cottage over the summer. ilya says he will think about it, but there is a silence here that makes me think he has trouble saying no to shane even though he thinks that is the best course of action.

shane kisses the screen after they both came on skype call (shane is so cutieful for this), and this intimate gesture scares ilya into realizing just how deep in shit ilya is in. all ilya can do is catastrophize about the worst case scenarios if they were found out. he doesn't want to be sent to russia and he also loves shane so much that he doesn't want to ruin shane's life by ending his career. he knows that he needs to make a decision, and he wants to cut ties to make it "easier" for them in the long run.

after shane's injury on the ice, ilya stays up all night, worried sick about shane, replaying seeing his accident over and over again in his head. he still wants to stick to his inital safe plan of breaking things off with shane. he thinks he should let shane believe he is nothing more to ilya than a quick fuck, but tells shane the truth that he has wanted more time with shane (and we've seen him fantasize about this previously). he can't say no to shane at this point, he doesn't want to hurt shane in any way. but he also is still clinging to these emotional walls and his instinct to pull away.

he does believe it is for the greater good in this instance when he has the thought that he would break things off with shane. however, he is way too in deep with his feelings to break it off with shane at this point. he wants to indulge. he wants to go to fiji with shane once he wins the stanley cup. he wants to go to shane's cottage. he wants to run away with shane where no one else exists. but his love for shane is also so terrifying to him that he doesn't want to be the reason shane loses the thing he has worked his entire life for (hockey).