#illigar

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Khadgar felt the color leave his face as he listened to the thundering of hooves. Was he sweating? He felt like he was sweating — but his robes could just be warm.

The champion had brought Illidan back to the tower, after he had confided something in them. He cursed to himself for such, knowing he would probably regret that decision and not make that mistake again. Yet another thing to be belittled for.

Illidan looked down at the mage; Makers be damned, he couldn’t read the demon hunter.

Khadgar tenses and closes his eyes. He tries to pretend that it isn’t Illidan he is speaking with, but rather the champion. “I just wanted to voice my concerns,” he said, lightly, “I didn’t mean to hurt him,”

Khadgar disassociates when he’s scared. Illidan knows. It’s one of Khadgar’s anxious habits.

The demon hunter remained silent.

The mage can feel his frown.

“Illidan, I know you’re angry — and that is your right—” His words tumble over each other as they race out of his mouth. “Makers, will you say something?”

Illidan can hear and feel the panic rise in the archmage. His ear twitches at the notion.

“Calm down,” he says finally. “Do you think I’m going to hurt you?”

Khadgar closes his eyes again. “Yes.”

The night elf blinks. That was not the answer he was expecting from his human. Was he… afraid of him?

“You have hurt me before — often. Er— not often, I guess, but I— I can think of many examples— I—”

“Breathe.”

Khadgar gave up on the elegance of his words. “You have hurt me before. A lot. I do love you, truly I do, but Gods be damned if it isn’t hard to. You can be so hurtful — I’m done with it,” he took a breath in before he continued, “I’m done. I don’t— I don’t deserve that. I’m terrified right now — having to stand up to you, this once. Do you understand?”

The realization hitting Illidan is almost surreal; like watching a baby giraffe learn to walk for the first time.

Had he lost control and not remembered? Realized?

“I’ve struck you?” Illidan asks, genuine concern and regret lacing his voice. “I’ve hurt you? Tell me when I have, Khadgar— please. How? What have I used? I—”

He is interrupted by the shake of Khadgar’s head.

“No. No, it’s— you have never struck me. But you hurt me. You make me feel so stupid and inadequate sometimes — I don’t think you realize you do it. I don’t want to believe you are doing it on purpose. Because if you are, we’re done—”

Illidan frowned and shook his head. “No!” his voice raises, and he notices Khadgar flinch. He moves back, disgusted with himself, that his beloved is scared of him. “Khadgar, I…”

Horrified realization crosses Illidan and he looks down at the ground, not having the strength to look at his lover.

Well, now Khadgar knows it’s not intentional. He can work with that.

And slowly, like approaching a stray animal, he moves to Illidan, taking his cheek in his hand. Illidan can’t help but lean into and welcome the touch. His eye lights dim and stop, simulating his eyes shutting.

“Illidan, I know love is difficult for you. It is for me, too. But… if changes aren’t made, I cannot continue like this with you,”

Illidan nodded mutely.

Khadgar offered a smile and rubbed his cheek with his thumb, inciting a low rumble from Illidan as he leaned into the affectionate touch.

“What would you like me to do, Khadgar?”

Now that’s a question. And the mage thinks on it for a moment, before looking at Illidan again. “I’ll help you. I’ll let you know if you’re doing it… and how you respond is up to you. We can start with that, hm?”

The night elf nodded again and leaned forward into the human’s touch.

“I’m sorry.”

Khadgar blinked. “What?”

“I’m sorry.”

Khadgar wasn’t used to hearing that from his partners. Especially not from the most rugged and closed off of them all; he had a few quite sweet lovers, like Kalecgos, who would always apologize, but he didn’t expect Illidan to. Ever. This was a surprise.

“It’s okay,” Khadgar paused, “Well, no… no, it’s not okay. But it will be. And I forgive you. How about that, huh?”

Illidan nodded a third time and nuzzled his head against Khadgar’s.

“Love you,” he muttered.