#ilivedbitches

11 years ago, vs yesterday, both in my family’s favourite cafe in Tenby. In the first photo I was so so poorly, I don’t think anyone thought I’d live to see my 16th birthday, never mind my 26th. The smoothie I’m drinking was pretty much all I could eat at the time. Yet here I am! It has taken countless medical interventions, experimental treatments, tubes and wires, and half my life spent in hospital or hospice, from countless amazing doctors, nurses, carers and loved ones. It’s also taken so many incredible people giving me something to fight for; people who reminded me on my very worst days that joy and laughter still exist. And it’s taken my own raging stubbornness. My own will to live, to fight. My own constant battle to see the good in every day. But I’m still here, over a decade later. I like to dream I’ll still be here in another decade. I’m so grateful and glad for the last 11 years; there’s an awful lot of good stuff I’d have missed out on! #palliativecarewarrior #hospice #ilivedbitches (at Caffe Vista) https://www.instagram.com/p/CPaEhtito2L/?utm_medium=tumblr

A decade ago, as a dying teenager not expected to see 18, never mind anything beyond that, I decided I wanted to plant a tree. I wanted to leave behind something tangible after I’d died, something that said “I was here”. The hospice arranged for me to plant a tree in singleton park, and I decided to hold a tree planting ceremony. It was, essentially, a funeral I would be able to attend due to still being alive. Why should you lot have all the fun without me, I said! It was a lovely service, deeply emotional but full of joy. Exactly how I’d like my real funeral to be one day. I didn’t think I’d live the next year. And never in my wildest dreams did I imagine going back to visit my tree a decade later. We’ve both been through so much; we’ve grown, and changed, endured storms and rainy days, our roots have twisted and reached out but always found solid ground, and sometimes we loose all our blooms and leaves. But we keep growing; we keep going. And look at us now! I do not know if I’ll still be here in another decade, able to pay another visit. I don’t know if I’ll still be here tomorrow, or Friday, or next week. I don’t know. But I do know this; I’m grateful beyond any words in the human language for the last ten years; every moment of it. The laughter, the tears, the hospital stays and hard conversations, the friendships and family, the pain and the joy, all my hard work and all my adventures... I’m grateful for it all. And no matter how much more time I’m lucky enough to get? I’ll live it; not just survive, but live. I’ll live every single second. #grateful #ilivedbitches #stillhere #treeplanting https://www.instagram.com/p/CNDnpRNho4G/?igshid=1xnp2fj6mdv2a

I do not always love my body; I don’t even always like it. Some days I hate it. On my worst days, it feels like a prison of suffering I’m trapped in. But then I remind myself; despite everything, my body has got me here. It has survived 40 odd surgeries, resuscitation, more near death experiences than I can count, infections and flare ups and malfunctions and rejections of tubes and wires and even organs. It’s been cut at, stabbed with needles, pumped full of medications, and pushed to the limit. And it’s still got me here, to today. What a wonder; what a gift 🎁 #loveyourbody #youonlygetone #palliativecarewarrior #ilivedbitches https://www.instagram.com/p/CM2303-BsEa/?igshid=10tn7gvq58iob

I survived another year 💪🏻 go me! Beyond grateful for all the people, medical and non medical alike, who’ve kept me ticking over for another 365 days 💛 I’m also beyond grateful for all the happiness, laughter, light and love I’ve experienced during this difficult year 💛 #ilivedbitches https://www.instagram.com/p/CJezZdiB8xG/?igshid=xa14b3penzzo

It’s my birthday!!! Ready?? One... two... three... I LIVED BITCHES!! Another year of life, laughter and love. This year has been a banner one, let’s be honest! Mum was in ICU, I came off all my regular opioids and benzodiazepines (FYI the 12th November will be 6 months without benzodiazepines!), I moved back home to Swansea with mum and dad, my auntie moved in with us, I made the decision to try a new drug instead of having my Botox in my bladder, and all this through a global pandemic. Phew! It’s been a busy year. Let’s hope next year is a bit calmer, yeah? Despite the challenges and awful bits of the last year, I am, as always, immensely grateful to have survived it, and to have lived it to the max. 16 years under palliative and hospice care, and I’m still here. It’s a miracle 💛 I wouldn’t be here today without my team; the people on my clinical team working so hard with dedication, compassion and determination to keep me alive and give me a quality of life, and my personal team, who also put a lot of practical work into keeping me alive 😂👍🏻 but are the reason I get up and keep going. I love you all, and I’m so grateful for you 💚 Now, let’s go celebrate 🥳 cake is definitely in order 🍰! #itsmybirthday🎉 #ilivedbitches #palliativecarewarrior https://www.instagram.com/p/CHUkauTjurm/?igshid=1vr5zxcaml2md

#throwbackthursday to me texting my mum these photos from Resus to establish I was still alive 😂👍🏻! Had an especially close call with an especially scary NDE that day. Reminders like this help me be great full for my days that could easily be difficult, but are in fact rather good! #ndesurvivor #ilivedbitches #gratefultostillbehereayearlaterdespitemultiplendessince #palliativecarewarrior https://www.instagram.com/p/B9XmHOPBnLr/?igshid=1v2iqeiquered

Let the official birthday 🎂 celebrations 🥳 begin! At our favourite Pub The Sand Martin for a meal, a drink, a party and time spent with my favourite people 🥰💖!! #itsmybirthday🎉 #twentyfuckingfiveandfabulous #ilivedbitches #palliativecarewarrior #letscelebrate🎉 (at The Sand Martin) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4nIbE1hsXk/?igshid=1sxy96zi2zx7c

I LIVED BITCHES!! I’m officially twenty fucking five and fabulous, despite the fifteen years under palliative care! Happy birthday to me! 😁💖🥳🥰🙌🏻👏🏻💪🏻💋💃🏻💅🏻👠👑💐🌻🌈🌟☀️🎂🍭🍫🧁🍦🍹🥂🍸🍻🍾🍷🎆🌅📸🎁🎈🎊🎉 #itsmybirthday🎉 #ilivedbitches #twentyfuckingfiveandfabulous #palliativecarewarrior https://www.instagram.com/p/B4lX0EahQ0x/?igshid=1puci5zvhkm0v