#ikaru

You'd always try to shut that nagging voice inside you by telling yourself that he is burying himself in work for you, for both of you to have a better comfortable life, whenever your attempts to spend more time with him he'd give you an apologetic smile and an "Sorry love I have work to do " you'd smile at him ignoring the small crack you felt yet again in your chest and busy yourself with something else or sleep.

You could understand him to some extent, you were struggling at the begging of your marriage, he didn't come of a rich family neither did you, and he wanted to provide you with the best of everything, so he worked his ass off and you were there to support him and hold him when he felt like the weight on his shoulder was too big, though he never complained, you could see when he tired and even when he did that spark and greed for more never stopped and you loved his determination.

But today was different, as the rain rattled against the window as if trying to break it to small pieces to match your fragile heart state, you cried with the sky, remembering all the times you felt neglected when he chose his work over you everytime. as the plane tickets you booked for your marriage anniversary vacation sat on the table, the ones you asked him if you should book and he said yes, the vacation that you reminded him of far too many times for your pride to take but you did for the both of you.

Your memories overlapped with your childhood memories, mixing with the image of a terrible father and husband, and a miserable mother who tried to make up for it and ignored herself, you were proud of your mother and who she was, but you swore to never live her life when you heard her sob to sleep at nights. But as you sat on the couch of your home, tears staining your cheeks, you saw your mother's reflection in the dark TV screen where you're supposed to see your reflection, and your decision was made as your gaze drifted to the tickets you booked for the two of you to celebrate your marriage anniversary together, you decided that you won't mourn a man who treats you like an option, you'll choose yourself, your heart would break for leaving the only man you ever loved yes, but staying would break it even more.

‘I'll not repeat that past’ You whispered to the darkness.

It was midnight when Nanami came back to the penthouse, thick blond hair tousled, tie undone, sleeves rolled up and suit in his hand crumbled, the emergency at work drained him.

He was barely able to avoid a disaster, though it wouldn't have affected him immensely but it was his responsibility and he hated failure as much as he hated working overtime. He wanted nothing more than to rest and hold his beautiful wife in his hand, only when he holds her does everything feel peaceful again.

She must be asleep so he made sure to be quiet as he tiptoed through the living room, but something on the coffee table made his blood freeze and the suit jacket fall from his hand to the floor.

“Fuck” he whispered as he held the plane tickets between his fingers “ Fuck” he cursed again, running his fingers through the root of his hair, how could he have forgotten? He clearly remembered the day a month ago, remembered the spark in her eyes as she told him about the trip and as she booked the tickets, the doubt in her eyes as she reminded him of it many times, he was sure he wouldn't forget, hell he remembered the whole day, he was even going to leave the work early, but that damn emergency at work made him unfocused outside of it.

He looked at his suitcases on the floor and the temperature dropped to zero, her suitcases weren't next to them. He rushed to the bedroom to find it empty as well as the walk-in closet, he checked every nook and cranny in the penthouse even though he knew he would find nothing in it. He wanted nothing more than to slap himself, to find her and beg for forgiveness. How could he do that to the only woman who mattered?!, the one whom he built everything for?!

He didn't waste a second gripping his car key and stumbling till he reached it, he broke every traffick role while driving to her place, he didn't need to think hard, her old house that she inherited from her mother and decided to keep and look after as if her mother's soul resided there, it was his only hope that she went there and didn't try to disappear front his life for good, he wouldn't be able to survive it.

Stopping the car and stumbling out of it, he didn't bother closing the door as he rushed to the small house's front door, he knew that if he tried to call she wouldn't answer but maybe she would answer the door, then he would apologise and take her back where she belonged, with him.

He knocked far too many times to be considered polite but he was a desperate man, he knew she was inside, the plant pot the she hid the spare key underneath was moved an inch to the side, and even though she kept the lights off he could feel her on the other side of the door, he knew she loved him, he knew this was as hard on her as him and that it must've taken a lot of willpower of her to leave because she wasn't the type of person to let go that easily and he hated himself for putting her through the pain.

"Sweetheart, please, I know you're Inside, please open the door and let's talk” he begged “Let me apologise, let me make it up to you, whatever you want, just… please don't do this”

You stood on the other side sobbing silently, heart breaking to a thousand shard and that lover girl In you scolding you and begging you to listen to him, open the door and accept his apology and fall between his strong arms.

But you knew that would only start the cycle again, that the peace would be short lived, and it would only be a while before he went back to his old ways and then, you weren't sure you would have the strength to leave again, you would probably take the scrapes and be quite, and that terrified you, that's why you have to crush that lover girl inside you for she is a fool blinded by what have been.

But you knew you needed to talk to him, and so before cowering like usual you wiped your tears, he was still rambling and banging the door, you knew he would find you easily and maybe that's what you wanted, to get it over with before rushing back to him and cowering. You opened the door tentatively and he stopped talking, breathing in sharply as he took you in.

“We need to talk” you intended for your voice to come out sharp and strong but instead it was horse and meak, almost a whisper.

“Yes” his was gruffer than usual, he moved to walk in but you stopped him with your hand, shaking your head, you saw the hurt flash in his red-rimmed eyes, his glasses no longer on his nose, and you felt the lump back again in your throat but you swallowed. You couldn't let him in, Nanami was a determined man, and letting him in would mean giving him the chance to break your walls using every trick up his pockets, and you would give in, you already wanted to give in by the look of desperation in his eyes, so you made it clear that you would have the conversation in the safety of your doorstep whereupon any alarm of danger you can slam the door or run in the street.

Maybe you could have waited for him at home and said whatever you wanted but you ran away without thinking.

“I'm sorry, I'm a jerk, I deserve whatever punishment You see fit but please come ba–

“I'll fill for a divorce “ you announced and he froze, all the colours draining from his face

“What?” He whispered as if he didn't hear.

“I can't do this anymore “ you choked out

"Don't do this please, we can fix it, I'll try harder. I will never forget our anniversary again–

“It's not about the damn anniversary anymore “ you tried to hold the sobs but the wounds were too fresh, too deep for you to control

His composure crumbled as he talked frantically “ whatever it's I'll make it right I just need you”

“Need me for what? To show me off as a trophy wife ? To neglect me more and forget about me? When was the last time we had a conversation together or had a meal or just sat together outside of the bedroom?” You broke down completely, once the words were out there was no stopping even if you wanted “ we aren't even married anymore, all you care about is work while I'm suffocating there alone “ you sobbed

His eyes were rimmed with tears as he swallowed hard, jaw clenching “ And who am I working for ? Don't you see I'm doing all of this for us ?”

“There's no us anymore” you unconsciously yelled not caring about your neighbours “ don't you see what we became ? Not even roommates” your next words were the hardest but they have been forming inside you making an ugly home inside your head and you had to get them out, you breathed deeply whispering “ Sometimes I feel Like I'm only there to warm your bed, how many anniversaries did you forget about, how many plans have you cancelled and how many days did you stay at work while I waited for you at home?!”

“You were never a mere bed warmer for me” anger flashed through his eyes at how you phrased yourself “ don't you know that my whole existence is for you?” Vulnerability took the place of anger “ just give me this one last chance, I won't mess it up I promise”

You shook your head “ this is futile I made my decision”

He clenched his jaw in determination “ I'm not divorcing you “ he announced.

“Namani please”

“NO” he snapped and you sighed in resignation, you knew how stubborn he is

“My lawyer will call you” you announced before shutting the door softly, choking on your sobs.

Nanami was a composed man, he prided himself on being a calm man in the face of disasters, no matter what happened he never lost his composer, but the idea of losing you forever, his only sanctuary snapped something inside of him, he was furious with himself for hurting you, you sobbing face crushed his heart like a withering flower, and even after breaking every breakable thing in the penthouse It didn't take the anger inside him toward himself, so he sat on the floor among the shattered glass like his soul drinking from the bottle of liqueur, even though nothing could make him forget about you or how you cried because of him

He really hated himself.

The next week was hell for him, he ignored work calls, and stayed at home doing everything he can to stop the divorce, he couldn't imagine his life without you, He would stop the divorce and fall on his knees and apologise till you forgave him, because without you he had no purpose, ever since he met you he has been doing everything for you, how hard he worked and all the overtime was to grantee you had the most comfortable life, but he got greedy thinking he could have everything and his greed costed him the only thing that mattered.

The divorce papers you filled for crumbled in his fist, Nanami was an insatiable greedy man for what he loved, before he met you, he was obsessed with his plan of working and then retiring to an island In Malaysia, because that was his life, he could only drag himself through it and get comfortable later, but when he met you his obsession and fixation became you, he didn't work because he wanted to retire to Malaysia anymore, he worked to provide you with not just everything But the best of it too, but his greed made him Think he could have it all, and now he was losing everything.

He staggered to the door determined, he would fight till his last breath, as long as you didn't hate him he had hope, and you didn't hate him, you were deeply hurt but he could still see that loving gaze underneath everything, so he took a taxi to your place since he didn't trust himself with driving.

Maybe if you refused to give him a chance he would drive’ he mused.

It has been a week full of heartache and tears for you, surely you weren't stupid enough to think it would be easy, but you didn't think it would feel like this, like a limp had been torn from your body.

You planned to get your shit together but you didn't have the energy to move though you forced yourself to do something, baby steps, and the first was to find something to do, a job.

That's how you ended up scrolling through job applications, though you started to feel how rusty you became.

Nanami never forced you to work or quit your job, it was your choice, he was happy to provide for you both and even when you did work he refused to let you spend a penny, he even gave you his card information and unlimited access. Though you refused to take anything from him before marriage, were too vulnerable at the beginning afraid that you were misjudging the situation, after marriage, you made your own decision to quit, you have been working since your teenage years, and you weren't good with people, every day among the crowds took part of your mental health away.

‘Was he pressured to work more because I quitted?’ The question caught you off guard.

But now he had the money that he could spend his entire life without working and it wouldn't run out, hell it might even still be plenty for their children to spend.

Your eyes gazed at your stomach at the thought, That was another part of why you quit was that you wanted to have children and provide them with all the love in the world, eagerly so, but years after and nothing still.

You remembered your conversation with one of your friends Shoko, she told you that you both hurt each other by your silence and negligence, that your silence and his greed couldn't coexist.

Was she right?” You wondered, was your silence doing the opposite of what you intended?, you didn't say anything because you didn't want to be ungrateful, scared that you are pressuring him, but it backfired, and you ended up getting hurt and hurting him anyways.

The rain pattered against the windows, the sound that made you feel giddy always rang hollow In your chest today. Not sure anymore of anything.

A knock at the door node you jump. It was him, your husband, you knew, You didn't need to see to know, you just can know, as can he.

You clenched the cushions beneath you, You were lonely and hollow and so in need of a hug, his specifically, but you can't, not after the ache you caused both of you, you have to stay strong, or it would all return to zero.

He called your name in a pained plea, his voice hoarse and his syllables slurred.

“Please, just let us talk, don't I deserve this much?” knock Knock knock.

Was he crying?

You swallowed, your breath hitching as your eyes misted.

“I'll change, I'll do whatever you want please, just…. Tell me …let me in”

You walked slowly to the door placing your hand on the wood where he placed his on the other side, two hearts bleeding for each other, two people wounding each other.

You opened your mouth to say something but the knocking stopped, and you could only hear the rain.

You felt your heart clench wondering if he got fed up with you and decided it was best to sign the papers that he has been avoiding and doing everything he can to stop.

But wasn't that what you wanted?

You choked on your silent sob as you sat against the door not knowing what's right and wrong anymore, feeling like a lost child.

But you could still feel your husband's presence on the other side, your stomach clenched and you didn't care to decipher the emotion as your mind registered the storm howling outside.

God he must be soaked to his bones, you stumbled to your feet opening the door hurdley and almost gasped.

There on the porch sitting on the stairs like a drenched puppy was Nanami, his back hunched and his head in his hand, no longer standing tall and proud no matter the circumstances as you knew him to be.

“What are you doing?” you rushed to him taking his hand to help him stand up, he was shivering but he looked at you like a puppy who found its owner at last.

You dragged him to the house and he happily obliged.

“God you're drenched” your voice wavered, scolding yourself at how you left him out in the cold, but you simply didn't think you were mourning.

He followed you to the bedroom where you took a spare of his clothes that was left there. You instructed him to take a warm shower as you prepared something hot for him to drink, you were fretting around him like a worried mother, and you were worried sick that he would catch a cold, you hated seeing him sick.

As you poured the hot drink in the mug he emerged from the bathroom, wearing grey sweatpants that hung low on his hips and a white t-shirt that was a bit on the tighter side since he got even more muscular than before your marriage.

“Sit down,” you told him as you handed him the steaming mug, he didn't utter a word despite your expectations, he only looked at you with deep emotion in his eyes, something raw and powerful that your knees almost gave out.

As he sat on the sofa you stood behind him with the towel and gently started to dry his thick blond hair, something you used to always do before work took him away from you.

A content sigh escaped him as his head unconscious leaned into your touch until it rested on your chest.

You didn't push him away a sigh similar to his slipped through your lips as you felt your missing piece of puzzle fit back into its place

Was that why your mom never left your dad?”

“I'm sorry I left you out in the cold” you whispered “but you should have gone home”

“ it's okay” his voice hoarse and thick with emotions whispered back “ I deserve it, I hurt you and you hate me now”

You sighed as you moved to sit next him “ no you don't deserve it, and I don't hate you”

“Then why leave me ?” He looked it you with eyes full of hurt

“Because I don't want to hate you” you whispered back pained.

His head hung low, as if in guilt. “ tell me what to do” he looked up “Anything… I'll do whatever you tell me to, I will even stop working If you want, but please not divorce” his hand reached to yours unconsciously “you're the only valuable in my life, don't take that from me, I know I messed up but I thought I was doing the right thing for us never did I once forget about you or intentionally neglected you, my greed got out of hands” I exhaled “ I'm not justifying my actions all I'm begging for is a chance to prove that I'm still the same man you loved and fell for you”

You swallowed the lump in your throat “ My father wasn't a good father nor a good husband” you started.

He turned his whole body to you in attention, you have told him snippets of your past but never in detail, it was too painful for you, but you felt you had to tell him your point of view, your silence didn't do you any good.

“Him and mom married of love they were so deeply in love together, but then after she gave birth to me, the company he worked in went bankrupt “

His big calloused hand reached out to wipe your tears gently but not interrupting.

“My mom worked and he couldn't find a job satisfying enough for his ego, and he began drinking, and gambling, and eventually ….he became violent”

His Jaw clenched and fury clouded his gaze, You squeezed his hand, reminding him it's in the past now.

“Even then my mom couldn't leave because she was deeply in love with him” you sobbed. “ I know you'll never hurt me that way, you're not him and it's not the same situation but…. I want to become another version of my mom, even though she protected me and I love her, But….” you went silent

His eyes misted as he nodded “ I understand sweetheart, I do, but I will never hurt you that way, And I would never hurt you intentionally” he said with determination you loved him but your wounds ran deep, and were tangled “Don't make us carry our parent's mistakes, we are not them, you are the strongest bravest gorgeous woman I know “ his thumb caressed the back

of your hand.

“but I'm begging you don't look at us with that lense, at least give me a chance to prove to you that we are different, just one chance, at least no divorce, I can ask for your forgiveness and beg for it for years if that's what you want, every day I'll reassure you that I have never loved nor will I love anyone more than you, I'll stay on the steps of your door until you take me back, cause without you I cease to exist”

You listened to him, and started wavring, maybe he was right, you deserved a second chance at happiness, but you were still afraid, but maybe you will give him and yourself another chance, maybe both of you were at wrong and at this together, he did neglect you but you neglected facing your problems heads on too and buried your head in the sand hoping everything will resolve until it exploded right in your face.

Maybe he was right, maybe it was unfair to judge the situation based on your past trauma but that was the thing about traumas wasn't it, they affected us to the core even if we thought they didn't.

“I.. “ you swallowed “ this will be the only one Nanami, no second chances” You didn't know if that was the right move logically but your heart was doing happy dances.

His face lit up and he smiled “Thank you “ he tentatively kissed the side of your lips, almost hesitantly as if expecting you’d push him away, but you didn't.

“ I won't mess up, I promise “ another kiss on your lips and you started to melt, That past week without the warmth of his embrace was a hell, and you missed him.

“Fuck I missed you” He groaned as his tongue invaded your mouth in a desperate kiss and you returned it with the same desperation as if you two have been separated for 7 years and not 7 days, you took from each other and gave back as much.

Until he ended up on his knees between your thighs, conveying how sorry he is and begging for your forgiveness until you were the one tearing and begging him to stop.

You didn't go back with him to the Penthouse, still fragile, but you did stop with the divorce idea, And Nanami started acting like he was courting you again, sending you gifts and taking you out on dates, late-night calls, and late-night apologies. He even started sending you letters for every occasion he missed conveying how he never forgot about you that day but he was too stupid to realise how he should act at the time. You even started couple therapy based on the advice of one of your friends, Saturo Gojo. He stopped putting his work over everything And you stopped avoiding confrontations. And even started a new job to find yourself again. You talked and listened to each other more.

And as you sat next to him watching a movie in the cinema that he booked all of it for you, you realized that the past didn't always repeat itself, but you don't regret what you did, maybe you should have talked it out in the first place but what you did brought your man back to you and that's what matters the most, because as you sat there hand engulfed in his as he gazed softly at you like you're the most precious, you knew he'd never break your heart or hurt you again, and that was enough.