#ijustcan't

I can’t. 

These two little words have been a constant in my life. Constantly in the back of my mind for things big and small. I wouldn’t say it’s extremely debilitating, but I would say it prevents me from doing things. Sadly, I think it all stems from fear. 

Growing up my home life was somewhat unstable. My family members living with me (maternal grandparents and uncles) loved me dearly and took wonderful care of me. But being a very observant and empathetic child I could still sense something wasn’t right and that my mother was scared. My mother was mostly scared of my father, someone I had the unfortunate pleasure of knowing for the first few years of my life. Without going into too much detail I’ll say that he was an extremely wealthy and powerful man who treated my mother and me in truly despicable ways. 

My very first memory in life is standing at the front door of my house with my hands on the glass looking at my father outside of the door. My grandmother and mother scramble to lock the door, push me away and yell at my father to leave the property. After that incident I remember hiding in my neighbor’s attic. I know my family did the absolute best they could to shield me from all the horrific things that had happened and were happening but they could not prevent me from absorbing the energy and emotions of the environment. 

Because my mother was living in a constant state of fear from my father it affected other areas of her life as well. She stopped leaving the house as much. She didn’t trust anyone who wasn’t family. She developed serious health problems. Because I’m so close to my mother and also an empath this eventually trickled down to me. I was painfully shy and scared as a child. I had horrible anxieties that don’t even really make sense for a 5 year old to have. I remember playing soccer and thinking to myself I just can’t do this. This isn’t for me. But I was actually good at soccer when I played! I was just scared of it. I was scared of failing. I was scared of what the other girls on the team would think. I was scared of getting hurt. I remember looking at my friends on the team, being so brave and fearless, running down the field as quickly as they could and scoring a goal. Something in me always wanted to but I would just tell myself I can’t. 

When I was in college as a vocal performance major I would watch my diva-licious peers go up onto the stage and just kill it. They were unabashed and fearless. Before performing these thoughts would constantly run through my head..I can’t. I just can’t. And so then I would have performances that were no where near as good as my practices. Then because of that I would get down on myself even more and then it spiraled from there. 

During this same period of my life I started developing strange and consistent health problems. I would get a sinus infection almost five times a year, bronchitis four times a year and phlegm problems that would make me lose my voice. Every doctor, allergist, ENT I went to had no idea what was going on. I felt defeated and confused and sad. I was also losing precious practice time due to these illnesses that no one could explain. 

Fast forward to a few years later. Per the request of my ex, I went to see a therapist who was licensed but also incorporated spiritual elements into the diagnosis and session. After our first conversation together she said to me, “You know why you were having those health problems, right?” I shook my head vigorously. No, I literally had no idea why I was always having those health problems. “Your body is having a physical reaction to what your spirit and soul are feeling.” I started crying. Of course. Of course!! At my core I was so stressed and sad and defeated and blocked from doing what I wanted to do with my life so badly that of course my body would have a physical reaction to this. Things were starting to make sense. 

The following summer I started reading a book entitled, “Buddha’s Brain” which, if you’ve never read it you need to do so ASAP. It is truly life changing. Anyway, in this book the author talks about setting patterns and habits in your brain. The more you react to something in a certain way, the more you are going to react to it in that way. This made perfect sense to me and while I should have been able to figure it out on my own I didn’t. I had set myself up to respond to situations in a way that is riddled with anxiety, panic and ultimately just “I can’ts.”  

So how to fix this.. Well, I can’t say I’ve completely figured out how yet but I think it has a lot to do with being present and in tune with yourself and the way you are dealing with things. 

Let me give you an example..

 A few days after the new year, having had a transformative and focused realigning of myself and my goals, I was in the car with my partner. We were pulling up to my apartment and realized there were no open spaces on the road, with the exception of one that would need to be done with parallel parking. So as I was driving I said we’d have to park somewhere else because I couldn’t parallel parked. My partner, being a thoughtful and honest person, asked, “What do you mean?” I said “Oh, well I just can’t parallel park.” I’m sure he doesn’t know this but he really changed my life when he said to me, “Yes. You can.” 

And I did it. 

I took a second to think about what he had just said to me. And I thought to myself, “Yes..Right..Yeah..Why the hell can’t I parallel park?!” So I said to him, “Yeah! You know what? It’s 2017, I’m a new person. I’m growing. I’m changing. Let’s do this.” 

The great thing about this moment was that even though I had never parallel parked before (yeah, I don’t know how this wasn’t on my driving test either) I did it perfectly. So I actually COULD do it and I actually DID it. 

Our minds are beautiful, brilliant, amazing things that control so much of our experience on this planet. I’m starting to realize that so much of what happens to us is because of our mindset and mentality. I’ve heard people say this before but I would always kind of roll my eyes at it. “Yeah, yeah SUREEEE.” But, for the most part it is very true. 

So what does this mean for someone who is struggling with the same issue? Well, what I do now is whenever I think to myself or say outloud, “I can’t” I stop. Think. And say to myself, “No. It’s 2017. You’re growing. You’re changing. Go do this.” And little by little it is making an incredible difference in my life.. in mind, body, and spirit. So just try it. Give yourself a break but try it. You can do more than you think you can. 

XOX

allnighters for two days

my mind ran away from me

it’s wandering to next week

3,000 words, seriously?

3,000+ words tomorrow too?

I want to cry

Can you sprinkle wisdom over me

is that possible