#igpoetry

They tell me I write about you a lot. You? Who are you? and what have you become? A memory, a faint imagination, a muse carved out of convenience? A desire, aroused by the emptiness of it all? You are a question on my existence, your presence an act of violence against my faith. Your absence a stab in my back, and all of you a crime committed on a writers heart. No one asked for you, and here I was weaving a story, no one dared to write. A story of love, betrayal and yearning all of it named after you and your arrival. We are nothing but two strangers who happened to cross path where kindness met violence and birthed the most heartbreaking betrayal of it all. So I scroll past our sweet little confessions, I turn the page, and the book still remains blank, the story unfinished, waiting to be completed.

I swear to god, I want someone to care, I want someone to care enough that my absence haunts them, I want my presence to matter to atleast one soul, that my absence drives them insane. My god the human in me is deprived of emotions and feelings. The yearning never ends. The search never ends. I am not looking anymore. You come to me, you find me, you hold me close, let my soul feel the warmth of the entire universe. My soul is thirsty, there is a drought of love, let me feel it all, let me feel it all at once.

My heart skipped a beat when this thought occurred to me, Abh ki baar jo bhi mile, Pehle Rabb se milein, Phir mujh se milein. And I haven’t stopped thinking about it.

This loneliness will always haunt me even in your presence. I see love and all I can do is sob because so little of it exists in my life. Is it okay to cry and want the love you dont have? Am I being ungrateful to what I have? Can I not want what I need? This guilt will eat me alive.

I am alone and there are so many people

I have so much to be grateful for, I can’t even afford this sadness.

Our love is a free script theatre skit, I pick and choose our moments and only I can do it. One sided ishq uff what a script. I steal glances from here and there, you smile and I hide the blush on my cheeks. My love is not limited to it all. You are everywhere even when you are not. In my script, in my play, in my google docs hiding away. We enact the roles I design us to play. You smile, you dance with your eyes, eyes oh your eyes. I could hide away. I write our story in loose words here and there, they tell me it’s all in my imagination, dear I barely care. So the next time I will see you, You will still be unaware, About this little script of our love hidden away. I will keep knitting this story from this imaginary thread.

I am afraid of eye contact. I believe one can know all of my sins and secrets with just a look in my eyes. I am afraid I will fall and fail with one look in my eyes. So I hide, behind glasses, behind doors of overwhelm, behind everything that I could ever think of. I am afraid if you will look at me and when i say that i mean it when you will look at me I will perish beneath everything that shames me in my perspective. So I stay away from you and your eyes that speak so well, the way they smile, the way they dance in amusement at my words. I see it all and I Am afraid, if you will know me you will know the shame I carry along with me. I am afraid you will see me with disgust. You will look at me and hate me for all my flaws. My brain has already built this wall but I am afraid my eyes will betray us and it will put up this show of shame and I cant afford that. So I wait for you in the dark for a light to appear out of nowhere and bring me to life.