#ifyoucloseyoureyes

Alex had lost track of the number of times that she’d found herself up in the astronomy tower sitting on the edge. Not that she’d ever jump, it’s just that she could see things better from up there. And being able to see so far and so clear was a great welcome to the current way things were going. Looking out over the dark landscape, her eyes scanned over the glassy surface of the Black Lake as Axel yawned beside her, nuzzling his face deeper against her thigh. The air was crisp and cut through the open tower like a wind tunnel, blowing the loose strands of her hair into her face.

There was a twisting deep in her gut, so wrenching that she thought for a long time that she’d throw up. But she hadn’t. Just stumbled up to the Tower to get a grip on things. Sitting out was never something she was good at. Not being able to support her team on the pitch had been an almost unbearable agony. And watching them lose had sent her over the edge. Because Lee Jordan had gotten it right. She had betrayed them. And the betrayal wasn’t just about something as trivial as quidditch. It was the basis for everything that had happened since the Carrows. She understood that now. And the fact that it had taken her so bloody long to realize it made her sick.

She’d betrayed her friends that night. She’d betrayed Ari in asking the Professor to undertake a mission that she should have never asked of a friend. She’d betrayed Sarah in asking her to do something impossible, something that would have put her best friend in harm’s way. And she’d betrayed everyone in going out to get Keane alone. She’d been selfish. And if there was one thing that made Alex sick, it was the fact that she had put herself before the people that she loved. “I messed up, bud,” she muttered down to Axel, his ears twitching around at the sound of her voice. “Royally.” Whining, he nudged her side with his nose, licking her hand.

Somehow ‘I’m sorry’ didn’t quite cut it in her head. Not for the things that she’d done. She needed to talk, obviously, but she had no idea who she could talk to. Ellie had helped for a time at least, and she was thankful for the other girl’s patients. But she needed to talk to the people who she’d hurt. But she feared that she’d taken so long to understand that it was already too late for them to at least know she was sorry. For them to see that she really was trying to make things better so that they could move on instead of making it about her.

But it seemed that whenever she opened her mouth, she said something wrong, something that sent her friends into shutdown and distrust. She hadn’t seen or talked to Sarah or Sam or Holly in days, the anchor and base for her Hogwarts life was crumbling underneath her, and she only had herself to blame. All of her friends had too much going on for her to worry them with something as trivial as her problems. Because then that’d be making things about her, and the last time she did that she’d caused more trouble than good.

Keane was still trying to figure things out, she knew that. There were a lot of things left open-ended, a lot of things from that night that were never finished. And she knew, regardless of whether or not he was going to tell her, that something was still nagging him. Still under his skin. He was getting better with her touch, he didn’t flinch as much as he used to, and she was starting to grow more comfortable around him again. But he was still hiding something. Something that she didn’t think she had the right to ask about.

Sarah was battling with something that would affect her for the rest of her life—something that was hard and erratic and unpredictable. A condition that was so unstudied and rare, even in the magical world, that people feared it. And yet, she’d developed a support system out of the situation. A system made up of quidditch players and friends outside of Hogwarts that no longer seemed to include Alex, which the Eagle was fine with. If it helped Sarah, if it made her friend better and more comfortable, then she could deal with watching from afar.

Whether or not Holly wanted to say anything, the Puff hadn’t been the same since the battle. And really, Alex wasn’t surprised. If there was anyone within the castle that despised violence, it was Holly. And in a cruel twist of fate, she’d seen the love of her life go down not once, but twice in the same year. Twice she’d had to think about life without Allie. No one deserved that, but especially not Holly.

And Sam. Samantha Bell, a girl who radiated support and family, almost had to watch hers get ripped apart. Alex hadn’t seen, but she’d heard the murmurs and whispers of the return of the eldest Bell child. And what side he’d been on. Everyone everywhere was dealing with something, something that seemed to outweigh… whatever it was she was feeling. She didn’t have the right to bring up the Carrows. Didn’t have the right to make everyone go back to that time just so that she could say she was sorry. She felt disgusted with herself that she’d even consider making people think back to that time.

She found it funny that she’d spent her entire life trying to keep the people she loved around her. Deep down she’d had a growing fear that all people would leave her, not because they meant to, but just because that’s how the world worked. She’d been dreading her seventh year ever since she was eleven. Because after meeting Sarah and Sam and Holly, she knew they’d leave her and the castle a year before she was allowed. That was the problem with having friends who were older. She couldn’t do or say anything, of course. Because she didn’t have the right. But that didn’t mean that she wasn’t afraid.