as someone who is not only a sex-favorable ace, but also kinky, i have a hard time finding people like me who are open about their experiences online. i’m afraid to talk about this myself but i can’t seem to find a word that describes what i’m feeling, and i’m hoping this will reach someone who can offer some insight.
i don’t feel sexual attraction, and i fluctuate between sex repulsed/indifferent/favorable, but when i’m in the right mood, i do enjoy sex and a lot of that enjoyment comes from kinks (this isn’t the part i’m struggling with - stay with me). i might generally explain this as “the human body doesn’t arouse me, but certain actions do (sometimes).” that being said, there’s something i experience that i’ve been categorizing as a kink but can’t find any sort of affirmation of this anywhere i’ve looked online.
this is going to sound stupid at first but hear me out. basically, i find my partner’s arousal really hot??? for example, i’m not a masochist (at least, not sexually), so i don’t receive pleasure from being hurt and i wouldn’t ask to be hurt for my own satisfaction, but if hurting me gives my partner sexual pleasure, then it turns me on. alternatively, i have a big cnc kink, but even though i only actively want to be on the receiving end (i suppose that’s pretty telling), i also enjoy being on the dominant end when my partner wants it. hell, i’ve gotten turned on (and thusly confused) by participating in kinks i don’t even care for because my partner was into it. my point being, it’s not so much about my partner’s body or what we’re doing, as it is their visual and verbal pleasure that turns me on.
i could be wrong, but it seems a little more complicated than just being a switch. and to be clear, i don’t find my partner “hot” in a sexual way except when they’re getting off on me in some manner. i don’t even feel anything sexual when my partner expresses their attraction for me most of the time (and, obviously, i have to be in the right headspace for this. much to my partner’s disgruntlement, their horniness very rarely results in my horniness - this “kink” usually makes a presence when i’m already in the mood). maybe if i had a word for it, an easier way to explain it, or even just knowing someone who feels the same way, i would feel a little more secure with myself when trying to explain once again that no, i’m not demi, i’m still not sexually attracted to my partner at least 99% of the time (jury’s still out on that 1%).
and please, don’t tell me i’m not ace. the closest thing i am to allo is grey-ace, if even that, and i still fall under the asexual umbrella.
