#ican'twrite

And yet, I always find myself writing during these times...

I remember the day that I heard the news, the news you had left us, I remember sitting with my mother on my 15 birthday and her telling me you had passed. I remember being told but not really hearing or registering it, as soon as the words left her mouth it was as if I were submerged in water, cut off from the world, cut off from feeling anything but numb, I remember nodding as she spoke, told me what we’d have to do. I remember the car journey the next day, 9 hours of nothingness, of staring out of the window picking off my nail polish, I remember hearing the faint hum of the car’s music, the almost silent buzz of chatter between my brother and Derek, after hours we were at the caravan, our funeral clothes hung up ready for the next day, I remember hugging your mother and your father before watching TV with them, but not really watching it at all, I remember going to bed but not sleeping a wink all night, I remember getting told at 9am it was time and we had to get ready, my nails were done, my make up too, all while I tried not to think of you, I remember the buzz in the caravan as my mum tried to stay positive, as she tried to make us smile and ensure us it was okay. I remember feeling nothing all the while, this wasn’t real, I was in a dream, I remember the ride to your gran’s house, I remember her telling me and my brother we had to go in the hearse with you and her and my grandfather, I remember still feeling numb, not really hearing anything, I remember walking into your room and that’s when it all hit me, like a tsunami, I remember my legs feeling weak as they shook, I remember the flowers, I remember studying your coffin wanting to see you one last time so damn badly, I remember touching your coffin, the tears burning my eyes, I remember Ryan clamping a hand on my shoulder telling me it was okay, I remember him pulling me into a hug and I remember losing it, I remember sobbing in his arms till my throat burned, I remember letting go and seeing the undertaker, seeing my devastated family, I remember leaving the room knowing that I had to say bye. I remember the drive, silent and painful, I remember getting out at the the crem and waiting for you,  I remember standing still in silence and then it began, they wheeled your coffin in because of the treatment making you so big, I remember crying all the way, I remember being silent during the ceremony but losing it as soon as your walking out song came on “You’ll Never Walk Alone” I felt pretty damn alone. I remember calming down outside, I remember swearing to you my life would be worth something, I would make you proud and hopefully I did, and will continue to. I love you Macky, my uncle, my friend, this has been.. My hardest goodbye. 

It's gone to the point where I can't hold it in anymore and I have to type it all out. Constantly I've been telling myself, "people don't understand you" and "you're just the odd one out". I came to realization that I'm not a very committed person. I don't really mind if people tell me their personal problems or not cause I don't want to expose my personal problems to anyone. I've lost trust. I don't feel comfortable telling people about all my personal problems cause I know I will be judged or pitied by it. I really hate it when people say  "oh she had family problems" or that "she has depression so she can get sensitive". I don't want to be classified. I also have that belief that no one will understand me and the situation I'm currently in. I'm just rambling now. It's just, I like being alone, feeling like I belong where I am, in my room, drawing , writing, listening to music. Doing all the things that I like where there is no one to judge me. I can be comfortable and be myself. I'm just really tired lately...and I'm trying to figure myself out...one step at a time. 

it will be different every time and every time you will be falling hard.