#i'm just. processing

so my mom called me earlier and told me that she’d heard that my former neighbour’s son died today, and i’m having a weirdly hard time processing it?

like, for context, my parents lived in that house for 20 years, and this was our next door neighbour’s son (who still lived there, i think) who was like, in his late twenties? basically, i’ve known him since i was born, he’s always kind of been there in the background, and my parents watched him grow up, and sure, i didn’t know him very well, but.

five (six?) years ago, that same neighbour’s husband died. so now she’s lost her husband and her son, and i’m in the very weird state of... those two deaths are the closest i’ve ever had to someone i know dying. there isn’t a single person in my life that i knew reasonably well who has died.

literally not a single other person. there have been deaths in my family, but none in my close or slightly extended family; great-aunts and uncles, sure, and my aunt (not related to me)’s brother died in mid-october, but none of my aunts and uncles or grandparents or cousins have died in my lifetime. my maternal grandfather died before i was born, and that’s it. and none of my friends, none of my parents’ friends that i’ve known by more than name (and they both have a lot of friends that i know reasonably well), just... no one.

and i just. i have no idea how to process this, because it’s just, i guess, a reminder that death can happen any time and you won’t see it coming and it won’t be someone you’d necessarily expect, and it just reminds me that i have literally no idea what grief feels like. my dog died when i was seven; that’s the closest thing and i don’t remember how it felt, because i was seven. there’s a reason that i write deathfic on a semi-regular basis: because i’m guessing and i keep poking at it, seeing if i can understand it and dissect it before it happens to me. i’ve actually gotten a couple of comments along the lines of, “oh, that bit here? that exact feeling, i know that feeling, that’s the worst,” and i just. i guess i stumbled upon something real.

i don’t know. i don’t know. i obviously can’t say this because this is not about me, obviously, what the hell -- at the very least, we don’t live there anymore, and if we did this would be a huge thing right now, since apparently my mom found out because a friend of hers (who lives down the street) texted the neighbour to ask if everything was okay because there were cops all over the front yard. the answer was, apparently, “no, it’s not okay, [son] is dead.” i don’t know if we’re going to the funeral -- probably not. but again, this isn’t about me at all, and i kind of feel like i’m making it about me, and i feel shitty about that along with just... everything about this situation.