#i'll write

she's stupid I want more pathetic Julia

“I’m not worth anything.” “To me, you’re worth everything.”

“It’ll be okay.” “Don’t say that.”

“I’ll always be there.” “No, you won’t.”

“You’re a good person.” “You don’t know the stuff I’ve done.”

“I wanted to be you.” “And I wanted you to be better.”

“Why me?” “I feel safe with you.”

“They’re so much better.” “But they aren’t you.”

“You don’t need me.” “Yes, I do.”

“I wish I meant something to you.” “You know, once, you meant everything to me.”

‘Do you trust me?” “No.”

“I just want you.” “Well, sometimes we don’t get what we want.”

“I love you.” “I love them.”

“I broke my promise.”

“I don’t know when I fell out of love, but it’s been a while.”

“You promised you’d be there.” “So did you.”

“I thought you loved me.” “I did.”

“Please don’t hurt me.”

“I’m scared.”

“It’s cold.” “Here, take my sweater.”

“You should eat something.” “I’m not hungry.”

“Do you hate me?” “No. I don’t think I could.”

“I thought I could fix you.” “I didn’t need you to fix me, I just needed you to love me.”

“I can’t breathe.”

“For some reason, I actually believed you when you said you would change.”

“I’m sorry they’re dead, but you can’t go on like this. You have to take care of yourself.” ”Why? I don’t intend on sticking around.”

“You’re bleeding.” “I am, in fact, bleeding.”

“I’m going to be the best.”

“They’re going to know my name.” “Who?” “Everyone.”

“Why do you do this?” “I want to be the person I didn’t have when I was younger.”

“You’ve been crying.”

“Please believe me.” “I believe you.”

The wonder is our link to others and the tragedy is that we seek to break it down everyday with proofs of our inadequacies and faults out of a perpetual fear of being misunderstood. We create barriers rather than bridges. And believe me, this is the surest route to our own destruction. Let’s all sit clutching our egos and our wounds forever (as real and vital and valid as they remain) certain in our divisions while everything we hold dear collapses around us.

I’m not talking about Pullman in particular anymore but ranting internally to myself (or semi-internally such is the illusion of online spaces and by extent their biggest flaw). I hate places like that. You cease to be a person in the eyes of many all the while attempting to prove it on a profile that acts as a laundry list of attributes stifled by a character limit that offers only a partial glimpse of who you are. (I rarely go on there, but when I do it’s utter chaos.) 

I don’t agree with what he did and I am still struggling to understand why he felt that his two bits were necessary as if we needed another person weighing in clumsily on this particular bit of discourse. And I can’t help but notice, yet again, how these conversations (to put it kindly) are not changing the world at large for the better. (And holy &^%$ the apologists on there, with their sham kindness and faultless affability insinuating themselves into other peoples’ spaces to protect the privileged few from the angry, “mean” multitudes who have justifiable grievances and who are becoming more and more radicalized for good reason.)

I am back to thinking that shutting all of this shit off and assembling in real space would do far more to alter the course of history than yet another frantic Twitter thread where we leave more distressed than when we began. It’s not an altogether bad place to connect though there are certainly various venues that we carry around wherever we go that can serve in the same capacity, and a bit more discreetly.  And it is just the sort of thing the capitalist fascist weirdos in power fear most as they attempt to crush us on the daily while we struggle to keep life and limb together: us all leaving our screens (or seeming to) for a time and assembling to take down the authority in person.