#hypnobirth

4 month.

I have feeling of “omg she’s so old, stop growing for a sec.” But also “omg she have only been here for 4 month”.

I’ve been thinking a lot about her birth lately. I went into straight up panic when I suddenly got the urge to push. My midwife thought I was hours away from giving birth - because my contractions don’t bite too much and they are short - so it was just me and my boyfriend and my birthing pool for 30 minutes before she came.

Clara was out 30 minutes of pushes later. I literally felt ‘not pressent’ for that hour. Like I had an out of body experience - but I felt trapped inside myself. It’s really weird. One of my midwifes later said, that I basically was raped by my own body - and I sort of feel what she’s saying, you know.

Even though I’ve never known fear and desperation and pain like that 1 hour and I worked against my body which I do not recommend! I still feel like I had a good birthing experience. As a whole. How weird is that. I think it has mostly to do with my awesome midwives. The whole labor experience until the pushing was so chill and just full of love and excitement and teamwork between me and my boyfriend and some days I’m disappointed in myself for not keeping that calm all the way through like in that hypno birth video I saw when I was pregnant.

Setelah testpack sendiri di rumah memunculkan hasil positif.. saya periksakan ke dokter obgyn, dilakukanlah USG. Dan surprise!! Dokter menyatakan tidak ada janin dalam rahim. Harus dikuret dalam 2 minggu ke depan.

Seketika lemas lutut saya.

Saya pulang dengan bersusah payah menopang tubuh yang terasa lebih lelah dari biasanya. Selama 2 minggu sebelum pemeriksaan berikutnya, doa doa tak henti terpanjat di sepertiga malam terahir. *Ya Alloh maafkan hamba yang hanya datang saat hamba terpuruk :( Saya hanya yakin pada satu ayat : “Berdoalah kepadaKu, niscaya akan Ku kabulkan” Dan satu amanat Imam Syafi'i : “Doa yang dipanjatkan saat tahajud adalah seperti anak panah yang tak pernah meleset dari targetnya”

Saat itu saya begitu yakin ada janin yang sedang tumbuh di dalam rahim.. Hingga 2 minggu kemudian itu datang, saya memutuskan untuk periksa di dokter yang berbeda. And again, it was a surprise !

“Selamat, janinnya sudah usia 6 minggu ya”

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