"I am your parent, you are my child. I am your quiet place, you are my wild." - Maryanne Cusimano
I often added to and manipulated those words over the years.
I am the parent. I am the adult. I will not expect a child tobe the grown-up. I will not expect the child to be the mature one. I don't expect children to be able to do what adults can't. I don't expect children to do what adults refuse to do.
I am my quiet place. I am my calm. Don't panic, the least helpful thing is to panic. Breathe. Slow is smooth and smooth is fast. Be methodical. Be deliberate.
You are my wild, my storm, my forest fire, my rabid wolverine. You can have my quiet, my cool, my gentle. I have enough to share. I made it myself.
The amygdala really reacts, and when it does the thinky-thinky part of the brain turn off. It's not the time for explaining, or discussion, or compromise. Logic will not work, there is no being rational. There is currently a power outage.
Did your kid just scream "I hate you?" or "You're the worst!" That's good, that's the prefrontal cortex power cycling and turning hitting, biting and scratching impulses into words instead of actions. "No you don't" will be taken as a counterattack. Instead try "It feels like that, doesn't it?".
Avoid talking, but if you can't:
"I can see you are very overwhelmed right now."
"You are having a lot of big feelings right now, and it can be very scary. How can I help?"
"Would you like a cup of water?"
"May I give you a hug?" No. "May I put my hand on your shoulder?" No "I don't want you to feel alone. I will sit next to you for now."
Kid trying to hit? Turn it into a high five. Another high five over here, on the left, on the right, up high, down low. Whoa you got me! Move your hand slowly - coordinating the eye movements to track your hand will help with turning the power back on.
If it makes your kid angry, stop. "If you want to hit, I can get you a pillow and you can hit that. I won't let you hurt me".
Smash rocks, crush cans, break pencils, play with dough or slimes.
Draw with markers, especially Sharpies. On paper or cardboard, or on skin. Narrate. This is my anger spot it looks like a black cloud and here is the lightening and a tornado. Here is a family of squirrels hiding in their burrow to stay safe.