#hvff

katrinalaw

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Matt Ryan, Tala Ashe and Nick Zano at HVFF 2019 New Jersey

Hey friends! I wanted to post this video of Stephen discussing his canceled cons and upcoming ones. I’ve posted my experiences at Heroes & Villains Fan Fest on this blog many times over the years. I’ve encouraged people to go to HVFF (if they can afford it). Well those days are over! HVFF is a mess. Artists are canceling left and right because they aren’t getting paid - at least that’s the rumor. People are unable to get refunds even for canceled cons. It’s truly a disaster zone. It seems Stephen and HVFF had a bad break up too, so if he’s bailing then so should you. The company has rebranded to Fan Fest Events, but don’t let the new name fool you. It’s a dumpster fire.

Stephen has signed up with MCM Comic Con London for the same weekend he canceled on Fan Fest London (yeah it’s that bad). I know nothing about this company and I have no idea if this will be the convention company Stephen will be working with from now on. However, he is still continuing to appear at conventions. David and Emily are appearing in the same London con as well.

📆 FAN CONVENTION UPDATE Jen will be attending Fan Fest Nashville 2019 on August 24-25, 2019 in Nashville, Tennessee.

So HVFF Chicago was today. I went with my bestie, her cousin, and her cousin’s bestie. We were having a great time until we split up so I could get my autographs and they could browse through all the vendors and artists.

I had already gotten all my Flash cast autographs and was waiting for Rick Gonzalez when it happened. I had a massive panic attack at the front of the VIP line. I could barely breathe. My head was swimming. I thought I was going to pass out! All I was doing was standing there, politely waiting for him to come back from photo ops to sign my poster. And suddenly I felt like I was drowning. I texted my bestie to let her know what was happening and, bless her heart, she was ready to come stand in line for me if I had asked. I didn’t, though, thinking I could make it through.

And I did. I made it through. I got my autograph and felt like my world was no longer collapsing. I went on my way, got my last autograph from Juliana, who’s a total sweetheart btw, then found everybody waiting for me at our designated meeting spot. The rest of the day went better, until about an hour ago.

I had just finished dinner and was laying in bed when my second panic attack hit me like a truck out of nowhere. And this time I felt like I’d hit a new low. I wanted to hurl. My whole body was willing me to get up and rush to the bathroom so I could puke. I didn’t, though, because I hate puking. Instead, I turned to my new favorite pastime: reading Malex fic on AO3. It helped some, getting my mind off what’s been troubling me since yesterday.

But since we’re talking about yesterday, I might as well explain what happened. You see, I made a mistake on Thursday at work. I forgot to put something called chip board over a job I was cutting in order to prevent the clamps from marking the paper. Yesterday, I got scolded over text for it and my mind has been on that for the last day and a half. My fears escalated, making me wonder if I’d still have a job on Monday. That fear has been running through me for the past hour now, and while it has abated some, it hasn’t gone away completely. I’m still a ball of nerves laying in bed trying to drown my fears in fluffy fics. I’m still anxious as fuck. And I still feel like I might puke.

It’s not easy having anxiety. It’s hell on earth. I wish there was a way to cut it out of my life, but it’s become a part of who I am. It’s something I carry with me on a daily basis. I can’t explain it to people. I can’t give them a crash course in Anxiety 101. I’ve tried. I’ve posted articles on my Facebook timeline so people could get a feel for it, but I still get the same overstated bullshit. “Don’t worry! It’s all in your head! Just breathe!” Like, fuck you. Fuck you for not taking the time to understand my disease. Fuck you for being complacent in your own ignorance. Fuck. You.

I’m just so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I already take medication. I see a psychiatrist. I try my damnedest to overcome a debilitating disease that takes a part of my soul every time it attacks. All I ask is for understanding. All I ask is for people to take the time to read one fucking article about anxiety that I post so they can at least get a feel for what I’m going through. I’m not asking people to become experts. I’m just asking for understanding. That’s it.

Wow, did I need to get that off my chest. I feel slightly better, but I still need to take my meds for the night and pray that my overly imaginative mind is able to come up with a story I can distract myself with instead of pushing the rewind button and replaying all my greatest hits: anxiety edition.