#hurtting

Im really not sure anymore. 

i wish i could runaway

but for my kids i gotta stay.

i have no friends no life really at all.

i dont know how its gotten this bad?!

i fake a smile and act like im glad.

he says he sees threw it but does he really care?

he gets mad when i tell him nothings wrong but even if i tell him ... it wont change a thing. 

im not happpy.

i havent truely been happy with my life in a while.

my son and daughter are the only things that keep me going.

should he keep me going?

i love him i do i know i do.

but im always left questioning if he really loves me. 

he says he does. i guess i just have to trust him.

trust its such a hard thing to do... 

it shouldnt be.

maybe im just paranoid.

i do have alotta issues thats prolly one of them.

but if you lived my life youd have them too.

its strange its like i wanna die but then at the same time i dont. 

no ones gonna read this.

i think the not wanting to die part is for my babys.

for as long as i can remember iv had this sad darkness inside. 

i just want my life to get better not just for me but for my kids.

the situation we are in right now sucks they deserve better.

i feel like im failing.

i give them all my love every bit of it. 

and thats about all i have to give.

i wish my boyfriend understood.

he doesnt really think.

he “thinks” he does.

but he never really sees things from my side.

its always his way.

iv been with him for 3 years.

if i haddnt gotten pregnant with our first child i questiion so much...

i should...

but i do.

ugh idk what im even doing right now i was just upset and like i said i have no friends. like literally none.

i have people who say there my friends.

but they dont give a shit.

iv been away from home for a week i havent gotten any text or messages or calls from anyone other then family.

and my boyfriend if i keep texting him.

i really dont think anyone really misses me.

its just the kids. 

not like i blame them. my kids are fucking awesome.

fuckkk it im gonna stop no.