#human disaster

They never kiss again and by the time the summer is over Steve is suddenly the kind of hot that girls can recognize and he asks out a JUNIOR their first week of school and scores. Tommy asks Carol at Steve’s insistence because he can’t just not date any girls ever that would be weird and he does genuinely love Carol, it’s nice to have another person totally on your side, and no girl ever sticks for Steve anyway so it’s just the three of them, Steve and Carol always giggling about something stupid together because they’re both kind of mean and kind of goofy, and Tommy’s still the only one Steve tells his secrets to, and they don’t kiss anymore but sometimes Tommy knows Steve’s thinking about it and it feels almost as good, knowing a Steve couldn’t forget it, hoping maybe he thinks about it the way Tommy does. And maybe Steve won’t get into college but that’s okay, Tommy’s old man doesn’t care what he does as long as he gets out of the house so he’ll get a job and stay in Hawkins and as long as they’re together it’s fine.

Then Steve starts dating Nancy and things are Different. Nancy doesn’t seem to like Tommy that much and she definitely doesn’t like Carol. She never laughs at any of the stuff Steve and Carol laugh at, and increasingly Steve isn’t laughing at it either. He doesn’t sleep over at Tommy’s anymore. He wants to be alone with Nancy all the time. He can’t hang out because he’s studying. He’s quiet at lunch now, his head with Nancy even when she’s not there. Tommy hates it. Hates HER. Is so fucking mad at Steve and at himself because he thought maybe it would just stay like it was forever, Steve kissing girls but loving Tommy but now he’s doing both of those with Nancy and Tommy feels an anger and sadness he’s never felt before, because Steve is in LOVE, Tommy makes fun of him about it hoping to hear Steve laugh his goofy laugh and say shut the fuck up Hagan as if, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t laugh. But he does tell Tommy to shut the fuck up.

Tommy is starting to realize his dream of them in Hawkins forever was always childish and pathetic but he doesn’t know what to do about it except get meaner and get harder until he steps over the line and puts Steve in a position to choose.

Later, it’s easier to blame Carol for saying stupid shit about Jon Byers when Steve was standing right on the edge of making his decision. Easier than blaming himself. Because he knew what Steve would choose but that stupid 12 year old who who kissed his best friend after the dance when he smelled like hairspray and tasted like kool aid really thought Steve would choose HIM, really REALLY thought he would.

But of course he doesn’t.

So he screams at Carol, tells her to fuck off and walk home right in the parking lot of the Fair Mart and by the time they’re back at school on Monday it’s all over, him and Carol, and him and Steve, and Tommy knows that even if he wanted to fix it he couldn’t, Steve wouldn’t.

Carol gives him a shoebox of his stuff. It’s all half burned. So that’s done too.

Then he meets Billy Hargrove, who’s angry in all the ways Tommy is. Of course Billy only has eyes for Steve but hey Tommy gets that. They don’t kiss, and Billy doesn’t tell Tommy any of his secrets, but it’s better this way.

No, sir. Definitely not.

(Quote Source: Parks and rec)

I really need to set a timer when I take my ADHD meds and force myself to put my phone away when the timer goes off because every day it's

I enjoy it recreationally! I think it's great but I haven't had any essays since highschool and I don't read much since I've decided to table further readings for after I've decided on a political position more specific than "anti-fascist", "anti-capitalist" and "anti-carceral". At some point you have to be pro-something. Because of that, I don't think I know enough about it yet to say I have a favourite school of thought. I however enjoy Camus' absurdism greatly, and, while I don't agree with his normative positionings, I have to admit that Nietzsche's Beyond Good and Evil was both a very fun and easy read as a teenager, due to Nietzsche dynamic and dramatic prose, and a helpful one, that helped me deconstruct a lot of the ways cultural catholicism had seeped into my worldview at a time where I was trying to build my own values from the ground up after realising I didn't care much for my parents'. It's worth noting that one of my favourite books prior to Nietzsche was Quo Vadis, aka "christan martyr complex: the tutorial", and that I spent a good bit of my childhood afraid of t-posing due to overly detailed descriptions of what happened to Jesus' body when he was crucified. So perhaps Beyond Good and Evil was helpful for me in a way that may not be as necessary to people who don't recognize themselves in such experiences, I don't know.

If you'll allow me a more controversial answer, I'll say Nothomb does a great job or reconciling Camus, Nietzsche, but also the apparently impossible tension between agape (universal love of humanity) and ethics as defined by Levinas, in an interesting crossroad between aesthetics and ethics which isn't to be misunderstood for the way Plato assimilated those two fields. Nothomb's status as a philosopher is controversial, on the ground that, you know, she's a novelist who doesn't, like Camus, write essays to explain the philosophy behind her novels, but I happen to be private to a little secret called "if you write her a letter asking about the philosophy behind her letter, you'll get not only the essay but an actually dynamic conversation about it", because she's awesome like that. To be honest, I haven't replied to her for a couple of years because her last letter was stolen from me and don't remember what it says and I feel kinda ashamed and unsure of how I should reach back, so. If you guys could peer-pressure me into writing to her again that would be great lmao.