#hswriting

I take a deep breath, trying not to let my frustration get the best of me.

All my phone has done today is ding. Another message, another call, another voicemail from Travis. He is fuming.

Travis is my boyfriend, but I don’t know how much more I can take. He used to be really sweet. When we met, I went by a different name. An old name. The name of someone who no longer exists. Travis was amazing. He instantly started using my new name. My actual name. My pronouns were honored as if they were sacred. He was very supportive of my transition into a body that felt like mine. The coming out to my parents, my brother. The surgeries. Every little thing about me, he was there for me. He was perfect. He is what every person like me, who is trans, wants in a partner.

But as time went on, he stopped doing the small things for me. It’s like our love and everything we built slowly started to crumble. He began to get weird looks when someone found out I was transgender. People would harass him. Harass us. But we soldiered on, or so I thought. He barely wants to be seen with me in public anymore. He doesn’t like to hold hands with me now that I am a man. The name calling, I understand it can all be too much. I feel awful that I’ve put him through this, but I needed to do this to survive. I needed to transition. I needed to feel like myself.

And tonight, it’s just another fight. One that I can’t deal with right now. I hate not answering my phone. It makes me so anxious, but I can’t argue with him right now. I can’t look at those texts.

But he keeps sending them, one after the other. I have to look at it. How can I look away?

Travis: You don’t even understand what it’s like for me.

Travis: I get looked at and called names all of the time.

Travis: It hurts me Calum. I know you can’t help who you are, but it’s hurting me. I just want us to be normal.

Normal? Are you serious? There is nothing wrong with me. There’s nothing wrong with our relationship. This is normal.

A pain stabs through me with burning fire. How could he say something like that to me?

He doesn’t understand what it’s like for me. My existence is constant political debate. My rights sit on a very thin sheet of ice. I risked my family and friends to be who I am, and I’m the one not understanding him?

Fire and anxiety burn through my chest as I pick up the phone and call him.

“It’s about time Calum.” Travis picks up instantly.

“Don’t. How could you? Normal? Do you even hear yourself?” I say, not even caring how I sound right now.

“I’m not wrong in wanting a relationship that I don’t get harassed for!” He practically yells, making me pull my phone away from my ear.

“I never said you were, but your problem is me. That’s basically what you said.”

“Cal that’s not what I meant by that-“

“That’s sure as hell what it sounded like. ‘I know you can’t help who you are but it’s hurting me’ is what you said. I’m sorry I’m not the girl I was when we met. If you’re so unhappy why are you still here?” I say, the anger and sadness finding it’s way into my words.

“Calum, no. That’s not what I meant. I wasn’t saying I don’t love you for who you are-“

“No. You just said that I’m hurting you because of it.” I tell him, devastation wrecking my world. My heart is shattering into a million pieces replaying the text message in my head. I can’t be with someone who believes me being trans is a flaw. That it’s something I did to hurt him. As if I would ever want to hurt him. I love him. We’ve been together for years. But he’s finally said what he meant. I know you can’t help who you are, but it’s hurting me. It’s devastating. It’s world changing. It’s the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. How could he have changed his mind? He used to believe in me. Support me. But now I’m a burden to him. Someone who makes his life worse and not better. If I’m hurting him, I can’t keep doing it any longer.

“Calum. I love you. I was just frustrated. I didn’t mean to make you think that I don’t love you.”

“Travis.” I say, a lump forming in my throat. “I can’t keep hurting you. If my existence is hurting you then maybe it’s best we aren’t together anymore.” I tell him, tears running down my face.

“Calum don’t do this. Don’t end us because of a misunderstanding.” He begs. “I love you.”

“I love you too. That’s why it has to end. If it’s hurting you so bad, I can’t allow myself to be a cause of pain in your life. You do deserve to be in a relationship where you aren’t called names and harassed. You do deserve happiness, even if that isn’t with me.”

“Cal…” is all he can manage to say. I can hear his heart breaking too. One final hurt, and then he will be okay. He will find someone who he doesn’t have to be afraid to be with. He will heal. He will get over me. He will be fine.

“I’m sorry. I need to go. We can figure out when to get our stuff from each other’s houses soon. Not tonight. I’m sorry Travis.”

“Me too Cal.” Travis says before hanging up the phone. I throw my phone onto my plaid bed sheets and take a deep breath.

I can’t believe I just broke up with my boyfriend of several years. It doesn’t feel real, but I’m the one who did it. I’m the one who broke up with him. I’m the one who ruined everything. Who ruined us.

I take another breath. He told me what he really meant. I was justified for what I did. That doesn’t make it hurt any less, but this isn’t solely my fault. He broke us with his words. With how he made me feel.

There’s a small knock on my bedroom door before it creaks open slightly. I see my brother’s blonde curls that are similar to mine poke through the door.

“Everything alright? I heard your voice raised but I couldn’t understand what you were saying.” He says from the door frame. When he steps in closer, he can see the tears on my face before I can wipe them away. “Calum what’s wrong?”

I use the back of my hands to swipe the salty drops away. I sniffle and Mason comes and sits beside me.

“I just broke up with Travis.” I tell him when I can will away the shakiness from my voice.

“What? How come?” Mason asks, his brow furrowing in concern. “Do I need to go speak to him?” He asks, his face beginning to flush red from frustration, out of his love for me.

“No no. We had a fight. I was causing him to much pain by being trans. He just wants to be ‘normal’ and not have to worry about being called names when he’s with me.” I spill to him. Mason is my brother. My best friend. He would do anything for me, and I would do the same for him. I trust him with my life. “Little does he know what it’s like to be trans and not just with someone who is.”

“Calum. I’m sorry.” He says, wrapping an arm around me. “You deserve better than someone who won’t love you for who you are.” He tells me gently. I try to give him a smile, and I try to be okay. I don’t do a very good job at either. “If you want a distraction, I’m going over to Harry’s to watch our show. Do you want to come?” Mason asks me, trying to make me feel better for the moment so I don’t have a breakdown. He knows me too well.

Harry is Mason’s life long friend. They met when Harry moved in next door to our parents house when he was five. They immediately bonded and they never separated after that. Harry is sweet and kind. He never fails to invite me places when Mason is invited. He considers me a friend even though we aren’t as close as him and Mason are.

I think over Mason’s invitation. I don’t feel like socializing, but maybe it’s for the best. I shouldn’t isolate just because of how Travis made me feel.

“Will there at least be food to eat my feelings away with?” I ask him and he chuckles.

“Harry is making wings, we are picking up pizza and chips on the way.”

“Awesome.” I say to him. “Maybe see if we can get some ice cream or sweets?”

“Of course.” He says.

“You’re the best brother ever.” I tell him with genuine gratitude and appreciation. I don’t know what I would do without him.

Mason was the most supportive person in my life. I was nervous of how he would take the news when I came out, but he welcomed me with open arms. Literally. He wrapped me in a hug so tight I could hardly breathe. He thanked me for trusting him with such important news. He instantly started asking questions, looking at stuff online to try to better support me. The best thing that he ever did though, was stand beside of me when I came out to our parents. I shook, knowing that they didn’t know anything about being transgender, and I was afraid of their rejection of me. Of being forced back into the closet, or hating my guts. They were rude at first, telling me how I was making stuff up and how I was such a beautiful girl. But Mason put them on the right path. He did his best to help them understand. And they eventually came around.

“Same to you dude.” He tells me, making me smile. He leaves my room and I decide to get dressed. I put on some black jeans and a gray hooded sweatshirt. I look in the mirror and check my hair.

It’s a mess, but that’s pretty much my signature. Purposely messy but in a neat way. My curls are wild and trying to tame them is pointless. I spray my cologne and then walk out to the living room of my shared apartment.

Mason is putting his shoes on by the front door. I stand beside him and slip on my tennis shoes. When walk out to the car and hop in, Mason turning on music. When the music starts playing, it’s one of my favorite songs. I hum along to it, trying to forget about the hurt that has happened today. The ache I feel starting to ease, at least for now.

When that one ends, another favorite of mine begins to play, and I eye Mason suspiciously.

“Do you…” I start, trying to put my words together. “Do you have a playlist for me?”

“Of course. Any song I know you’ve listened to on repeat gets added to a playlist. I’ve got one for all of my friends and family.” He explains so casually. “Figured you’d need the extra little bit of joy today”.

Have I ever explained how much I love my brother? He’s so thoughtful and caring. He never misses a beat. He’s always there. Always ready for everything.

When we pull into Harry’s drive way, it’s around 3:37. We are a little early for our tv show, but I don’t think he will mind. He’s always been a pretty chill person. Even if we were late, we can always just start the episode over and watch it. Mason grabs the pizza from the back seat and I grab the chips and sweets. We walk up the sidewalk to the fancy house and Mason presses the doorbell with the corner of the pizza box.

Harry is quick to answer, using his elbows to twist the knob.

“Come in guys. Good to see you again Calum.” He tells me and it makes a small smile play on my face. “Is that ice cream?” He asks curiously as we enter into the doorway.

“It is. I’m kind of having a rough day.” I say, not diving into too much detail. Mason doesn’t say anything, letting me tell as much as I’m comfortable.

“I’m sorry to hear that. You can put it in the freezer in here if you’d like to keep it solid until the show starts.” He tells me as I follow him into the kitchen as Mason goes into the living room.

A delicious smell floods my nose as Harry cleans his hands and takes a fresh batch of wings from the oven. The garlic and parmesan on the wings smells wonderfully.

I open the freezer door and place the cookie dough ice cream inside. I shut the door to see Harry placing the wings on a plate with dozens of other wings. He grabs the plate and motions me to follow him. We all join together in the living room where my brother is setting up the show on the TV.

“Alright. Cal, I know you haven’t seen a lot of the episodes, so we can break down some of the major plot points for you if you want.” Mason begins. I give him a nod and he dives into explaining how these people had to go on a quest together and they fell in love. This episode is when they act on their feelings, or so Mason predicts. Harry sprinkles in a few details and I feel well equipped to watch the newest episode. I repeat the information in my mind to keep me from drifting to other thoughts.

And the show is exactly as Mason predicted. The man and woman begin to kiss after confessing their feelings. I try to guard myself against the feelings rushing through me. The need to cry. The need to break down. The need to be held the way he is holding his love. I know I ended things, but I needed to be loved for who I am. Not in spite of the things I am. I look away, trying to shield myself. I repeat stupid and mundane thoughts in my head to try and get the feeling to go away. But it doesn’t work.

I sniffle, trying to hold back the breakdown that threatens to spill out of my eyes. I’m failing miserably, and I cover my face.

“I-I’m going to step outside for a minute.” I stutter, my voice cracking. Mason looks at me with concerning eyes but lets me go. I can feel Harry staring holes through me as I walk out the front door.

I sit down on his front step as a tear spills down my cheek. It’s my own fault, but I had to do it. I had to. If I keep repeating this, it will sink in eventually. I am worth more than this. Then what he said to me. I am worthy of love.

Sobs take my body. I put my face in my hands, trying to make myself stop crying. Stop thinking. Stop everything. I need to shut it out. I was supposed to be distracted but the show made it worse. That’s not Mason’s fault. It’s no one’s fault. Just an awful coincidence. I remove my hands from my now red and itchy eyes and wrap them around myself, trying to hold all of my broken pieces together. I try to take a deep breath, but I’m on the verge of suffocating.

It doesn’t take long before I hear the door open behind me and footsteps. Harry appears beside me as he sits down.

There is silence for a moment, letting me calm down the tears and steady my breathing, before he begins to speak.

“Mason told me that you broke up with Travis. He didn’t give me a whole bunch of details, but I know a little bit about what’s going on. I would have suggested that we watch something else had I known, but I don’t blame you for not saying anything.” He says, his voice even and calm.

I’ve never been super close with Harry, but he’s never given me a reason not to trust him. Mason trusts him with everything. I should too. How else could I be hurt right now. Harry has never hurt me, and I don’t believe he would by trusting him with this.

I tell him what happened a little while ago. The things he said. How I cut it off so I could stop hurting him. You could seen pain cross Harry’s features even though he hasn’t experienced the things that make this so painful. He doesn’t fail to listen for a second. He is attentive for every moment.

“I’m really sorry Calum. I can’t even imagine.” He tells me after a brief silence.

“It hurts, but it is ultimately I think what’s best. He says he didn’t mean it but those are words you can’t take back.” I tell him. “It will take time, but I’ll be okay.”

“You will be.” He says. It feels like there is more he wants to say, but the silence lingers on us like a thick coat of dust. Harry stands, wiping off the back of his pants. “Come back in when you’re ready. We can always watch something else. I’m sure Mason wouldn’t mind.” Harry says and walks back in the house.

I take a moment alone on the steps, just breathing. Just letting it sink in. I don’t immediately go back inside because I feel like I’d just bring them down.

It was nice that Harry came out to talk to me. I’ve known Harry for a while but it was nice to have his support when it was just us. Our moment alone was more helpful than I thought it was going to be. Harry didn’t have to be so kind and listen, but he gave me his full attention. He gave me time to talk about anything I wanted to when he didn’t have to. He could have just stayed inside. It’s nice to have a friend.

I give them a few minutes to finish their show before I return. When I do, I see Harry in the kitchen and Mason on the couch. I sit down beside him and he gives me a hug.

“Sorry about that Cal.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll be okay. What are we gonna do now?”

“We were gonna watch some of that baking tv show you like. Is that okay?” Mason says and I nod with a smile.

“Perfect.” I say as Harry walks back into the room, a bowl in his hands. He places it in mine, my ice cream perfectly scooped with chocolate syrup on top.

“Thank you Harry. How did you know about the syrup?”

“I just know you.” He says, handing me a spoon. The show begins and Harry and Mason sit on each side of me, compared to our usual Harry on the right, Mason in the middle, and I’m on the left.

We watch a few episodes of that, eat up the rest of the wings and snacks, and talk about anything and everything. It’s nice feeling this loved and seen through the pain. They don’t pity me. They care about me.

Once a few episodes of Great British Bake Off is watched, food is packed away, and the night is coming to end. Mason and I say goodbye to Harry, him giving me a hug before we go.

Mason drives again, playing my playlist of favorites all the way home. When I get home, I go straight to bed, glad that I have a person like Harry. Glad that I have a brother like Mason.

When I wake up the next morning, my phone is ringing like crazy. I rub the sleep from my eyes and clear my vision to see the name Travis at the top, his favorite picture underneath of it. A painful reminder of that beautiful day that it was taken. We were happy. I had just gotten my name legally changed. We were celebrating and he took a picture of us. I cropped myself out for his contact photo but it’s painful to see. Painful to remember how happy he was for me in the first steps of my transition.

I snap out of the memory, trying not to cry about it and I answer the phone, putting it on speaker.

“Hello?” I ask curiously, sleep thick in my voice.

“Cal.” He says, an obvious crack in his voice. Heartbreak is evident. “Can we talk?”

“About what?” I ask him, sitting up straighter in bed, not ready to handle this. I’m not ready to have to carry him through our breakup when I have to carry myself.

“I need you. I don’t want you to leave. I’m sorry for what I said. I take it back. I didn’t mean it. I’m so sorry.” He practically sobs. “I love you.”

“Trav. I…” I hesitate. I don’t want to hurt him more than I already have, but I can’t go back to him. What he said is awful. He can’t take it back. It’s going to scar me forever. I’ll never forget his words for as long as I live. I have to tell him. I have to be honest. “I can’t do this. I need space. I can’t come back to you.”

“Calum please. I need you.” He cries. Another stab in the chest. Another fiery pang of guilt. Another thing to make me feel worse.

“I’m sorry. You can’t take back what you said. You meant it. You can’t take it back.”

“I’ll do whatever it takes to make it right. Just let me. I’ll do anything.” He begs. I don’t respond back to him right away. I don’t know what else to say. He’s too hurt to understand that he’s making it worse for me. I need him to go. To move on. To be happy. I just need my things back and then I don’t have to entertain this. I’m too hurt to hear this.

“Travis, I need to get my things back, and I need this to be done. I need to heal, and so do you.” I calmly tell him, trying not to let my emotions overtake me.

“Calum no.” He begs. “I can’t.”

“When can I get my things Travis.” I say, doing my best not to use his nickname anymore. Trying my best to emotionally distance myself from him.

“Are you really done? Is this really over?”

“Yes.” I answer simply. There is silence on his end for a while, sniffles being the only clue of him still being on the line.

“I’ll pack your stuff and bring it to you sometime today.” He says, trying to strengthen himself, but it’s not really working.

“Okay. Thank you.” I say, trying to be kind. Travis hangs up the phone without another word. My heart tugs to try and fix it, but I know that isn’t what is good for me. I have to do what’s best for me.

I decide I’ve had enough of being in bed, so I get up and start getting ready for the day. Once I’m dressed and ready I walk out into the rest of the apartment to find Mason sitting on the couch eating a plate of food.

“There’s some bacon and stuff on the counter if you want some. You have to make your own eggs though.” Mason tells me. I thank him and make my way to the kitchen. I grab a few pieces of bacon and snack on them while I cook some scrambled eggs.

When I’m finished cooking and eating, I sit down beside of Mason on the couch and watch whatever is on the tv. It’s not something I’ve seen before but it seems to be pretty interesting.

“Hey. I just wanted to let you know that Harry is going to come over today. He wants to hang out. Do you want to hang out with us?” Mason asks politely.

“Yeah. I have to wait on Travis anyways.” I tell him and he gives me a questioning look.

“Travis is coming over?” Mason asks.

“He called me this morning. He was trying to fix things, but I told him no. He is going to bring me the stuff that I left at his house.”

“Oh. Do you trust that bringing your stuff is all he is going to do? You know Harry and I got your back.”

“I appreciate that, but it should be just a quick drop off and a goodbye. That’s all I want it to be anyways. If you and Harry want to be there for it that’s okay with me.” I tell him, and he gives me a nod.

“We will be there.” He assures me. “We got you Cal.” He pats my shoulder. Mason and I watch half of the episode of the mystery show before there is a knock on the door. I get up to answer it in case it’s Travis. I open the door to see Harry holding a backpack and some of the leftover snacks from yesterday.

“Good morning Cal.” He says as I give him a small smile and open the door the rest of the way to let him in.

“Good morning.” I tell him as he steps through. He gives me a sweet smile as he passes by.

“Did you remember to bring it?” Mason asks about the contents of the backpack. Harry sets it down and begins to open it. He pulls out a video game case and Mason gets a big smile on his face. “Hell yeah.” He says. Harry unpacks his game console and Mason helps him hook it up to our living room tv. They both settle on the couch in our usual pattern. Harry on the right. Mason in the middle. Me on the left.

“Oh, Har by the way, Cal would like us to be present when Travis stops by later to return his stuff. Just to make sure nothing sketchy happens.”

“Okay. Do you know when he will be here?” Harry asks, looking at me. I shake my head.

“He just said he would be here when he was done packing it up.” I tell him and he nods.

I get up and get a drink out of the fridge, also grabbing drinks for Mason and Harry to have with their snacks. They load up their game and begin to play as I sit down on the couch. Mason is very competitive, and Harry makes his serious face with his eyebrows and nose all scrunched up as he concentrates. It’s cute in a dorky kind of way.

The first round of their game went by, Mason losing terribly. He huffs in defeat, each taking a break before their next round. Mason eats snacks as Harry checks a notification on his phone.

After the snacking is done, they start the second round of their game. As they begin to play, there is a small knock on the door, almost not audible at all. I immediately stand up, feeling all of my muscles tense more as I get closer to the door. I notice Mason and Harry have paused their game, waiting patiently on the couch for me in case I need them.

I place my hand on the knob and take a deep breath. I slowly twist it and open the door a small crack. There is Travis with red puffy eyes, exhaustion consuming him. He holds a cardboard box with “Calum” written across the side. He holds the box with a white knuckle grip, hands slightly trembling. He’s a wreck. A hurt mess.

“Hey.” I say gently. I open up the door more and step into the doorway, not wanting him to think he can enter into my space. “Thanks for bringing this stuff over. I appreciate it.” I tell him, and he gives me an even more sad look. I reach for the box but he doesn’t move, not yet. He keeps a firm grip on it.

“I’m not ready to let you go.” He tells me, a tear escaping his eyes.

“I know, but one day you will be. You can be happy again with someone else.”

“I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want this to end.”

“It already has.” I remind him. “I would like my things please Travis. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”

“Calum I can’t give you your things because that means it’s really over. I’ll never see you again.”

“Travis it is really over. You need to give me my things.” I say, moving my head and giving Mason a look. He stands and both him and Harry are at my sides in seconds. “Travis please.” I utter. He still doesn’t move.

“Mate, he said it’s over. Give him the box.” Harry tells him gently. Kindly stepping in front of me, taking the lead, supporting me even more than yesterday.

“Harry this isn’t about you. Leave us alone.” Travis tells him with a stern expression painting his face.

“No. I think you need to give Cal his things and go.” He tells him. Mason chimes in.

“Travis, dude give him the box. You’re only making this worse on you.” He tells him and I feel supported and loved in this moment with them beside of me, defending my words.

“You brought them into this?” Travis asks, slightly angry now.

“Of course I did. Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because it was our relationship. Not theirs.”

“And that’s my stuff. I’d like it back.” I say, turning the conversation back to where it needs to be. Travis just shakes his head. That’s when Harry steps in front of me and grabs the box and tears it out of Travis’s grip.

“What the hell dude!” Travis yells.

Harry hands me the box and I turn around to put it down. When I turn back around, Harry is in Travis’s face, Travis seething mad.

“Leave. Now.” Harry says to him in a quiet voice. “Or I’ll escort you out.”

Travis is hurt and disappointed that I’ve let Harry step up for me. It’s written across his face in the way he looks at me. How he fumbles for words to say before he takes a final look at Harry before turning and walking away.

My heart breaks for him. It aches for me. But this was necessary. It needed to be done for me. He no longer supported who I am. So that’s the end of it. He’s really gone, forever now. This box of things was the last little string attaching us together, and now it’s here. It’s mine. I pick the box up off of the floor and carry it into my room. I open it up and look through the items.

A few hoodies, some pictures, and small clay figurines I made him a while back. They all flood memories back to me, and I begin to feel overwhelmed. What really tops everything off is when I pull out a picture frame. It was the only picture of us that I liked before my transition. It’s the only one I was able to stand to see. Why would he give this to me? Is it because of it being pre-transition? Or is it to make me hurt?

I was wearing a baggy black hoodie, some jeans, and I had my hair tucked into a baseball hat. Travis had his hand around my shoulders. He is wearing a t shirt and jeans.

I drop the picture from back into the box and sit down, but no tears come. Just a deep ache. Grief.

A small knock on my door frame brings me back from my thoughts. I didn’t even realize I left my door open, or that I abandoned the two people who just helped me get the box from him.

“You doing alright?” Mason asks, Harry right behind him. I point to the box holding the items. Mason walks over to it and scans its contents. He plucks the picture of Travis and I out, looking at it.

“He put this in the box?”

“Yeah. And I don’t know why.” I say, a deep exhale following. Mason and Harry look at the picture.

“I’m not that person anymore, but it was the only one where I could still look at it and not get insane dysphoria. He had it framed on his gaming desk. I don’t know why he gave it back. I don’t want it. I don’t want to look at him. It’s just ruined the picture for me. I can’t look at us like that.”

“Does it make you feel dysphoric now or is it just Travis?”

“It’s just Travis. It just needs him out. That’s still a good picture of me. It was one of the first times I looked at myself and saw me.” I tell them, remembering how cool it was that people kept mistaking me for a boy. It made me happy when they’d call me boy, or sir. And at the time I didn’t even know why. But now I do. And I hold that picture so close because that was me before I knew it was. That was little Calum. Not the little girl I used to be, but it was who I am now, just getting a taste of the euphoria that was on its way.

I don’t hate that little girl, because she didn’t know. She was me at one time but not anymore. We are the same but we are so different. We like the same things and talk the same way, but I’m happier now. She didn’t understand why she hated her body. She didn’t understand why she hated looking in the mirror. She thought it was just body image issues that every teenage girl knows, but it was different. It was dysphoria. And learning that I wasn’t weird and that there was words to describe how I felt, it freed me from pretending to be something I wasn’t. I’m so glad I’m trans.

Mason grabs some scissors and gets to work without me even having to ask. Harry gives me a smile as he does so.

When Mason holds up the final product, Harry takes a look at it. As if he read my mind, peering into my thoughts, he says

“It’s mini Calum.” He smiles. I meet his eyes and smile with him. They have once again saved the moment and made me smile. “That was you before you knew it was.”

“Yeah it was. Little did he know.” I tell him. We spend time talking about the times when the picture was taken. Mason recalling the little things that didn’t make sense then but do now that I’m out. Harry recalls what he remembers after moving here. A collection of sad moments the past few days have been turned into good ones. My amazing brother and his best friend have made this easier. I don’t know where I’d be without them.

I know I’ll get over this eventually. Get over him. I have to. I deserve better. And I’m sure one day I’ll find it. I just have to survive this.

- - -

Masterlist Series Part 2

Taglist: @maudie-duan

Sybil stretches for a moment before opening her eyes to Harry rolling a tray beside of her side of the bed.

“Good morning Princess.” Harry says gently as she finishes her stretch.

“Good morning.” She says groggily.

“We got a big day today, so I thought we could have breakfast in bed together before we had to go and introduce you to the other lands leaders.”

“Okay.” Is all Sybil said, sleep still clouding her mind. Harry smiles at her as she rubs her eyes of the sleep, trying to make herself become more awake. Sybil is grateful for the sweet gesture, but desperately wishes she had coffee. She wants to go steal some from her world to have with her breakfast.

Sybil sits up and sees a plate of food for each of them. She takes one and Harry sits in front of her on the bed. They eat slowly, savoring the time they get to spend in bed wearing their most comfortable clothes.

The two weeks they got to spend together was not long enough. At least it didn’t feel that way. When Harry and Sybil finish their plates, Harry wraps his arms around Sybil and brings her to his lap. She rests her head in the crook of his neck as he plants small pecks on her hair.

“Can we stay like this? I’m not ready to go.” Sybil asks, already knowing the answer.

“I’m not either. These meetings make me nervous.”

“Nervous? If they make you nervous then I’m going to-“

“They are good people, I just get anxious because I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing. I want to make good impressions when I meet them. One day my dad is going to pass and I’m going to have to deal with them as this land’s king. I want them to take me seriously and not see me as some stuck up, mean person.”

“I’m sure you’ll do great. You study their cultures and learn their history. You’re always polite and you care so much about everyone. And you’ll make a great king. And if worst comes to worst, I’ll be beside you and can help. I’ll be there to support you through everything.” Sybil says to him. She looks up at him and meets his eyes, giving him a reassuring smile.

“You’ll make a great queen.” Harry says in return. Not that I want anything bad to happen to my dad of course, but when the time comes.” Harry tells her. He places a kiss on her lips before they both have to get up and get dressed.

Today is not a day for one of her favorite pastel colored dresses. Today, she has to dress up. Play the part. Look her best. This will be her first impression to these other lands that she has no idea about. Harry has tried to give her a run down, but she struggles to remember.

Sybil walks out of their room and to the tailor’s room. The tailor has a rack of dresses spanning the length of the wall. When she sees Sybil walk in, she rushes over to the rack and picks out a single dress. Sybil steps into the dress and the tailor zips it up. The dress fits perfectly. It’s a flowing dress that reaches the floor. It’s baby blue and has thin straps.

After the dress is secured onto her, the tailor sits her in a chair and styles her hair into a beautiful half ponytail.

Another woman walks in and does some light makeup on Sybil’s face and makes her stand in front of the mirror. She puts a silver chain around Sybil’s neck, a small stone attached to the necklace.

“Now remember to smile.” She says. “Smiles can go a long way. This is very important, but you’ve got this.” The makeup artist says before one final check of her clothes, makeup, and posture. She walks out in the hallway to be met my Harry, dressed up in his best clothes, a golden crown adorned with jewels upon his head.

Harry looks at you and his face turns a shade of red. Sybil’s face goes darker than his does.

“You look so beautiful.” Harry says as he approaches her.

“You as well. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so formal.”

“That’s because I hate wearing formal clothes. They are always so tight and uncomfortable.” He says, trying to pull at the fabric. It doesn’t stretch and Harry chuckles.

“I’m sorry. Maybe we will get lucky and they won’t want to meet for long.” Sybil tries to comfort him. Harry takes her hand and leads her to his father’s office.

Upon walking in, Ace is dressed up similar to Harry. A bigger crown on his head.

“Our guests will be arriving at their cabins intermittently throughout the day. Are you guys ready to go?” Ace asks them. They both nod their heads. Ace and some guards lead them outside where a carriage with no wheels sets. Sybil looks confused at the large cart sits on the ground. Ace and Harry don’t blink an eye. The open the door and climb in. Sybil follows behind.

“How is this going to move?” Sybil whispers to Harry. Harry gives her a small smile. He points out of the glass to guards who walk two animals to the cart. They are unlike any animal Sybil has ever seen. They are small and furry, and also have wings.

The guards attach them to the front of the cart. The cart begins to feel weightless as it lifts into the air. Sybil clutches Harry’s arm, startled at the feeling. Harry is nervous about being in the air, but comforts Sybil the best that he can. He puts his arm around her and holds her close. Sybil looks out of the window of the cart and sees that they are high above the trees.

“We’re flying?” She says, a mix of nervousness and excitement. She watches out of the window as things fly past them in a blur. Harry looks at her, forgetting his anxiety at her excitement and curiosity.

Harry knows that if she loves this, she’s going to love her wings even more. She’s going to love flying, and Harry’s going to have to learn to love it for her. She looks so happy. She’s so beautiful he thinks.

Ace can feel Harry’s magic, just like Adeline could. Ace smiles, and Harry doesn’t even notice. He’s too focused on her.

When they begin to land, Sybil comes away from the window and looks at Harry who can’t hide his ridiculously wide smile.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Harry lies. “Are you ready?” He asks her, her anxiety coming back to the surface.

“As ready as I can be.”

“Just be yourself. They want to meet you. You’re going to do great. I believe in you.”

“I do too.” Ace chimes in. “You’re going to be just fine.” He tells her and she takes a deep breath. They step out of the cart to be greeted by a woman in a huge, puffy, green dress. She’s tall and her hair flows all the way to her legs.

“Good morning your majesty.”

“Good morning Ace. Lovely to see you again.” She says, hugging the king. Ace hugs her briefly before she makes her way over to Harry and Sybil.

“Harry, a pleasure as always.” She says as she wraps him into a hug. “And who might this be? The bride to be?”

“Queen Pandora, this is my fiancée, Sybil.” Harry introduces her. She’s slightly worried about her name being given out so freely, but if Harry trusts them, how bad can they be?

Pandora wraps her arms around Sybil. Sybil hugs her back and then extends her hand. Queen Pandora gladly takes her hand and gives it a a shake.

“A human tradition?” Pandora asks Harry and he nods. Shaking hands must not be a normal thing here? Sybil questions in her mind.

“I’m Sybil. It’s nice to meet you.” Sybil says nervously, but confidently.

“You as well. How lucky you are that you came over to this world and Prince Harry chose you?” She says, not knowing the true story.

“I’m very lucky. Harry is the sweetest.” Sybil says, lying about her arrival here. She could almost feel Ace’s relief at her hiding the truth.

“I know he is. Once upon a time I tried to arrange for my daughter to marry him, but things didn’t work out. It was for the best as she is happily married now.” Pandora says, keeping the conversation going.

“That’s right. How is Anastasia doing?” Harry asks, making jealousy paint Sybil’s features for a small moment. She quickly fixes her face when she realizes what she has done.

“She’s great. She’s married, like I said. They are expecting their first child soon.” She says. “Hopefully all goes well, given the curse.”

“Of course. Best wishes to her.” Sybil says, hoping Pandora didn’t see her attitude moments ago. Harry put his hand on the small of her back, knowing that she is confused about his prior arrangement.

“Shall we go inside?” Ace says, motioning to the luxurious cabin with guards posted outside.

“Of course.” Pandora leads them inside. It’s a large cabin, guards carry in a few cases of her belongings. Everyone finds a seat.

“So, Harry, what’s it like? You’re going to be a married man tomorrow!” Pandora expresses her excitement. Pandora’s kingdom and Ace’s have been allies and even good friends for a long time.

“I’m excited. And we hope you’ll want to come back for her transformation.” Harry suggests.

“Of course. I’m only a short carriage fly away. I bet you’re excited for your magic Sybil.”

“I am. I’m a little nervous to fly, but it was anything like the ride here, I’m sure I’ll love it.” She says.

“It will make you nervous at first but I’m sure you’ll be flying around here in no time.” Pandora says.

There’s more light banter as they all sit together in the cabin. Eventually, Ace reminds them that they have others to greet and that they need to go.

“It was nice meeting you Sybil. I imagine I’ll be seeing you at our meetings from now on?”

“I’ll be there.” She says, confirming that she is going to play an active role in their government. They walk out of the cabin and enter the flying carriage again. When the door closes and they begin to rise into the air, Sybil takes a deep breath.

“You did good. I knew you would.” Harry says, taking her hand.

“The day has only just begun. And am I not supposed to shake hands?”

“You can if you’d like, but it’s not common here. It’s definitely a tell that you’re from the other world.”

“I didn’t know that. I’ll just keep my hands to myself.” She said, getting softer as her sentence continued. Ace sits quietly across from them and observes.

“You don’t have to.” Harry repeats.

“I also didn’t know you were going to marry her daughter before I came along.” Sybil mentions her earlier jealousy.

“That was my fault.” Ace chimes in. “Harry was only 14. She kept insisting they marry to unite us across the water for trade purposes, but I didn’t like to think of Harry married at 14. I made her a trade deal instead.”

“Yeah. Don’t think I couldn’t see your jealousy.” Harry told her.

“I did my best to hide my face.” She says, her cheeks turning red from embarrassment.

“Nobody else noticed. I just know how you are. I didn’t like Ana like that.” He reassures her.

“But you have a nickname?” Sybil asks and Ace laughs.

“We were friends, and I was 14. You’re the only girl I want. That I’ll ever want.” Harry assures her.

Sybil smiles at this statement and looks out of the window. Ace gives Harry a discreet sign of approval. Harry chuckles slightly.

Sybil’s nerves calm as she watches trees turn into water to the next cabin that the king has let people stay in. Her nerves amp up as they begin to land.

Harry takes her hand and walks her out of the carriage to the door of the cabin. Ace knocks and the door swings open almost immediately as if the person on the other side was waiting for them to get there.

“Good morning King Asher.” Ace says, bowing at him. Asher stands taller than Ace, with broad shoulders. His hair and beard is black, speckling with gray. He is dressed in casual black pants and a gray long sleeve top.

“Good morning Ace! How have you been?” He asks, motioning us to come in.

“I’ve been good. Asher, you’ve met my son Harry.”

“Good morning Harry.”

“And this is Sybil, Harry’s fiancée.”

“Hello Sybil. It’s nice to meet you. Congratulations on getting married tomorrow.”

“Thank you.” Sybil says, keeping her words simple as not to embarrass herself again.

“So what is this introduction for Ace? Normally we just meet and do what we need to do.”

“We just wanted to greet all of the royalty that will be attending Harry’s wedding, and let them know of a small part of the wedding.”

“Okay…” he says, waiting for Ace to finish. Harry pipes in to explain it.

“Sybil is human. And we felt it was important to note that she will be human until after the wedding when we can do a proper transformation ceremony for her.” Harry explains, getting right to the point. Asher doesn’t like to mess around.

Asher seemed slightly confused at Harry’s statement. “How will she give you her magic? That’s a vital part of our people’s marriage.”

“We know, which is why it will happen at the transformation ceremony. We wanted to explain so there wasn’t questions at the wedding.”

“I guess that makes sense. Prepare ahead of time for the questions.”

“We have messengers letting our people know.” Ace tells him and he nods.

“Good. Wouldn’t want any people being surprised by this. This is big. I don’t know that our people have ever done this before.”

“We know it’s unusual. We just wanted to emphasize in a way, that she is human. You know our population is dwindling more and more. Me having a human wife who then transforms into one of us might encourage more fae to encourage humans over to our land.” Harry explains.

“That makes sense.” Asher says after taking a moment to think it over. Sybil stands there quietly, hiding her truth once again. She didn’t choose to come here. She wasn’t encouraged, but she doesn’t say anything. She may not have chose this before, but she chooses this now. She chooses Harry.

Ace ends the meeting with Asher soon after that conversation. They climb back in the carriage and go on their way. There are 3 more people to meet, and already Sybil is exhausted. Putting on her fake smiles to hide the anxiety is taking a toll on her. She is ready to just go home and lay in bed in one of Harry’s shirts.

They go through these three meetings, explaining the same things the same way to them as they did to Pandora and Asher. When they climb in the carriage after those three meetings, Sybil lets her smile fall from her face. They take their seats in the box and get lifted into the air again.

“You alright?” Harry asks her, noticing her shift in moods.

“I’m tired. This took a lot out of me.” She admits to him.

“I know. I’m sorry. We can go home and relax if you want to? I can run you a bath to help you relax.”

“That sounds amazing.” She says, letting her hand join Harry’s and her head rest on his shoulder.

“It’s a little bit of a ride back to the castle. You can take a nap here. I’ll hold you.”

“Are you sure?” Sybil asks him. Harry gives her a nod with a smile. She lays on his chest as his arms wrap around her. She closes her eyes and falls asleep on the way back.

After Ace is sure that she is asleep, evident by her light snoring, he whispers to Harry, “She did an amazing job. She seems to be doing well with everything. And you’re doing so good with her too.”

Harry smiles at his dad and then looks down at her. “I’m just glad she feels safe now. She spent a while here feeling unsafe and not being able to use her name. I just want her to be happy.” He tells him. Ace smiles at him as the ride continues. “She’s going to make an amazing princess. She’s been studying so much just to make sure she’s good for the people here. She’s been practicing every day the writing that she’s being taught. She cares so much about this place.”

“I’m glad. She seems good for you Harry. You do seem happier. Brighter.”

“She makes me so happy dad. I love her so much.” Harry says. The carriage soon lands, and Harry hates to wake Sybil after such a long day. He gently sits her up so he can stand. He picks her up, her head lying on his chest, and carries her inside.

He lays her down on the bed, takes off her shoes, and lets her sleep a little while longer. After a while, she wakes up confused.

“When did we come inside?” She asks, sleep thick in her voice. Harry smiles at her and walks to her side. She notices he is in comfier clothes from earlier. She looks down and she is still in her dress.

“You were just so tired. I carried you in and let you sleep a while longer. I know how anxious you were today and how tired it can make you, so I wanted you to rest. I can still run you that bath and get you some dinner after if you want to?”

“Yes please.” She said. She rubs her eyes of sleep.

“I’ll be right back.” Harry says. He steps into the bathroom and turns on the water to get it warm. He begins to fill the bath with hot water and soap. He lights a few candles in the bathroom and turns off the lights. Harry comes back and Sybil is struggling to get out of her dress.

“Can I have your help Harry? I can’t get out of this dress.” She says to him.

“Sure.” He says, slightly anxious. She has always gotten undressed and dressed in a different room or she had him turn around. Now she’s asking for help undressing. He doesn’t want to make her uncomfortable.

Harry steps over to her and gently grabs the zipper. Sybil’s breath catches, but she hopes that Harry doesn’t hear it. Harry’s heart is pounding too loud in his ears to hear much of anything.

Harry slowly pulls the zipper down, his knuckles brushing down her spine softly. Goosebumps follow in his wake. When the zipper is to the bottom of her back, Harry feels frozen in place. He knows he should move, but he can’t. Sybil doesn’t want him to. She shrugs the straps of the dress off of her shoulders.

Harry is in shock at her movement, her shoulders bare in front of him.

“Do- do you want me to help you the rest of the way?” He asks nervously. Sybil has never seen Harry so nervous before, but it’s making her feel the same in the best way.

“Is it okay if I say yes?”

“Of course.” Harry says, trying to gain back his confidence. Harry’s hands slide up to where the dress has fallen off of her shoulders. He slowly pulls it down, revealing that there is nothing underneath. He pauses for a moment.

“The bra was built in the dress. I don’t have anything to cover up. I don’t mind, but I don’t know if you do.” She says shyly.

“Only if you’re comfortable.” Harry tells her. Sybil nods. Harry continues sliding the dress off. Once it’s past her hips, the dress falls to the floor, leaving her in only her jewelry and underwear. Sybil steps out of the dress and turns around to face Harry.

As polite of a gentleman that Harry is, he can’t help but let his gaze travel over her breasts. He looks at them and then back up to meet her eyes. “Are you ready to bath? The water is filling up as we speak.” He tells her and she nods.

She walks ahead of Harry and into the bathroom. She wants to speak on how sweet the candles and bubbles are but the words are stuck in her throat. She slides her underwear off, takes off her jewelry, and climbs in the water. Harry watches her as she sits down, the water coming up to her chest. Harry turns the faucet off and the bathroom becomes silent.

“Was it too soon?” Sybil asks after a moment of the eerie silence.

“What?” Harry asks, confused.

“I should have just bothered the tailor to get undressed. It was probably too soon and I made you see me-“

“No, Sybil. Not at all. It’s not that I wasn’t ready, I’m just so nervous about doing something you don’t like. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You don’t. That’s why I didn’t mind. You’re the only person here that I can trust one hundred percent.” Sybil admits and the hot water relaxes her tensed muscles.

Harry doesn’t respond immediately. He sits down on the floor of the bathroom and brings his knees up to his chest. “I love you Sybil.” Heat rises to both of their faces.

“I love you too Harry.” Sybil tells him without hesitation. Sybil leans back in the tub and closes her eyes. She takes a while longer in the bath, letting the stress from the day leave her body. When it’s time, she drains the tub and grabs a towel.

“Can I?” Harry asks, putting his hand out. Sybil handed him the towel. Harry came up behind her and started with her hair. He gently got all of the excess water out of her hair before moving on to her neck. Harry was careful, remembering her experiences with James and not wanting to take her back to that place. He moved to her arms, and then to her chest. Sybil’s breath catches again, and Harry heard it this time. Harry took his time moving the towel down her stomach and to her legs. When she was dry, he put the towel on the rack.

Just as Harry was about to grab her a set of pajamas to sleep in, Sybil grabs his hand and stops him. Harry looks over at her.

“I- um…” she says, her words getting caught up in her throat. “I don’t want to get dressed.” She finally speaks. “Tomorrow, it’s going to be a whirlwind. We are getting married in front of the whole kingdom…I’m giving all of my life to you and the kingdom tomorrow. Tonight I want to give you a small part of me for only you. I can’t give you magic like you’re going to give me, but this is yours.”

Harry instantly caught on to what she was talking about, but he wanted to make sure. He put his hand down and turned to her. Her hand never left his. She intertwined their fingers and walked to the bed. She climbed up onto the mattress and waited for Harry to join her.

“I don’t want you to be nervous about touching me. I can tell you’re really nervous.” She tells him as his hands shake. “I’m not fragile. I’m not going to break.”

“It’s just…” Harry struggles for the words, not wanting to say his name. Sybil’s eyes dart back and forth, searching Harry’s to find what he can’t say.

“Is it James?” She asks softly and Harry nods. She remembers vividly what the magic felt like on her throat, the breath leaving her before she passed out. The way he used to come in her room, his intent to get his way, to ‘see if a human was the same’. ‘To make you feel good’. She does her best to rid her mind of the thought.

“I just don’t want to make you feel like he did. That happened under my watch. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Sybil grabs his hands and hold them close to her. Harry’s heart races in his chest, his palms sweaty, but Sybil doesn’t mind.

“Harry, I don’t blame you for what happened. I’m not afraid of you hurting me. You could never. I can’t even picture you ever being so malicious and hurtful the way he was.” She says and the last sentence feels like a stab to Harry’s chest. He knows she is complimenting him and comforting him, but she revealed more about how James was to her. She’s been silent on the specifics of what James did, other than her slip up of him touching her. That’s all Harry knew, but it was enough to know. It was enough to know that it was sexual.

Sybil can see the worry furrowed in his brows. She took her thumb and brushed it over the lines etched onto his face. His face instantly softened. Sybil put her lips onto his and that’s all it took to make James fly from Harry’s mind. Of course he was still worried, but her lips were on his, his hands finding her body, Sybil flooding his mind. He lays her back on the mattress.

A soft moan escaped Sybil’s body under Harry’s gentle touch. His touch was so soft as if she was going to run at a moments notice. She wasn’t, but she wasn’t going to convince Harry of that. She let him lead, as not to push him into something he doesn’t want. Harry’s hands make their way to her breast, palming it in his hand while the other softly grips her hip, her skin on fire under his fingertips.

Harry’s heart was racing out of his chest again, but in a good way. Their tongues danced as his hands roamed. Harry hand inched farther down her stomach and to the most sensitive area on her body. Her mouth opened with soft moans that were music to Harry’s ears. Sybil couldn’t help but to be a little loud with how good his hand felt rubbing circles on her.

Harry’s hand found her core and he slid one finger in easily, her already wet. Sybil’s moans only for more loud.

“Harry please.” She begged. For what she didn’t know. “Please.” She continued. Harry heard her begging, using it as encouragement to keep going.

Harry adds a second finger, making her groan at the unfamiliar stretch. He worked on her for a while longer before withdrawing his fingers from her completely. She felt so empty now that he had been in her with his fingers.

Harry stood from the bed and stripped his shirt, pants, and boxers off, leaving him in nothing. Sybil looked over him, having never seen him like his before. His body is beautiful. He is beautiful. Perfect.

Harry climbed back on the bed, holding himself over her, kissing her lips and down her neck to her collarbones. He looks up at her, eyes full of adoration for her.

“Do you want me to?” He asks her, making sure this is what she wants. The clarification he needs to go forward.

“Yes. I love you.” She says breathlessly.

“I love you. More than you know.” He tells her. He lines himself up with her and teases at her entrance. Pleasure already filling Sybil. Harry kisses her neck, making her moan more by hitting the most sensitive spot on her neck. Harry goes in deeper, stretching her more than his fingers could have prepared her for.

Harry bottomed out and let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, a moan escaping him. She already felt wonderful. Her walls fluttered around him and she was so warm. So wet. He knows he isn’t going to last long. Sybil didn’t even think about asking for a condom. Do they even have those here? Her thoughts were running wild until Harry started to move. Her mind went blank and was only focused on how good it felt. How good he felt.

Harry continued his slow pace, making sure she was enjoying herself. Sybil could hardly see straight and he had barely started to move. Harry picked up the pace and Sybil had to screw her eyes shut, the world around her so fuzzy. Harry brought his hand down to her clit and started rubbing circles, tears leaving her eyes at how good everything felt. Harry saw them and grew worried.

“You alright, love? He asked her as he slowed to a stop.

“Yes. Please.”

“You’re crying.” He says, worry evident. She opened her eyes and looked into his big, green eyes.

“It feels so good Har. Please keep going.” She begged him. He continued on, making more tears run down her face. Eventually the knot was built up so tight in Sybil’s stomach that she had to release it. She came undone under Harry, which felt so good for him.

The way she looked; the sounds she made, the way she felt, Harry was putty in her hands. It wasn’t long before Harry came inside of her.

They stayed like this for a moment, holding each other. Harry peppering her with kisses. Sybil scrunching her nose at him. Harry eventually did pull out of her. He helped her to the bathroom and cleaned her up. After they changed the sheets, put on pajamas, and climbed back in bed, Sybil ask Harry a question.

“Har?”

“Yeah?”

“We didn’t use a condom.” Sybil said. “What do we do?”

“We don’t have condoms here, but Adeline has options for you. We just have to ask her.” Harry reassures her.

“I really don’t want to have to ask. That’s kind of embarrassing. Just walk in and say hey I just finished having sex. Give me the birth control please.”

“I’ll take care of it and get you something. You don’t have to worry.” He reassures her and rubs his hand along her back. Sybil ends up falling asleep with her head on Harry’s chest. Harry falls asleep after playing with her hair.

When Harry wakes up, he sees that they shifted in their sleep. Sybil is on her side facing away from him. He has his arms wrapped around her. He slowly peels himself from her and gets dressed. He makes his way down the halls to Adeline’s room. She jumps when the door opens, not expecting guests at this hour.

“Harry! You scared me!” She says, making Harry chuckle.

“I’m sorry.” He says.

“What brings you here so early? Got the wedding day jitters?”

“Well, not really. I have more of a private question for you.” He tells her and her eyebrows furrow.

“What is it?” She asks. Harry suddenly feels the lump in his throat, understanding why Sybil was embarrassed.

“Sybil and I… she needs some way to not get pregnant. She called it birth control. I assume that’s what they call it over in her world but we aren’t ready to have a baby yet.” Harry states, dancing around the word sex.

Adeline takes a moment to process what Harry is telling her and just gives him a blank look.

“We have magic, but we don’t have birth control like the humans do. Ours is different and I don’t believe it would work on her yet.” Adeline tell him and Harry looks worried.

“What can we do?” He asks her.

“She can come in and I can do a spell or potion, or you just take the risk.” Adeline informs him. He nods his head. “And Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“I understand not wanting to have a baby yet, but do know that your dad will expect one from you in your future. Maybe talk to her about it. Whatever you guys choose is up to you though. Don’t let your father push you around.” She says honestly. Harry nods his head again, taking her words into consideration.

“Thank you Adeline.” He says. He gives her a hug.

“I have one more thing for you since it is your wedding day. I was going to give it to you later, but since you’re here.” She says. She goes into her desk drawer and rummages through her papers. She pulls out a white envelope with a wax seal. Harry takes it from her hands delicately and examines the writing. It’s simple. All the envelope says is “Harry” in his native writing. He flips it over to the wax seal and his eyes tear up.

On it is a beautiful sunflower stamped into the yellow wax. Harry knew that sunflowers didn’t exist in his world. Only hers. This letter is from his mother.

Harry looks back up at Adeline with tears in his eyes. She smiled at him encouragingly. “She wanted to talk to you on your wedding day. She had me keep this for you for when that day came.”

Harry looked at the envelop for a moment longer before peeling it open. He sat down on the nearest bed and unfolded the paper.

My dearest child, Harry,

Today is your wedding day. Congratulations! I hope today is an amazing day for you are your partner to be. I’m so sorry I can’t be there to witness your day, but just know I’m in a better place.

I wanted to make sure I was able to tell you a few things on such an important day of your life. First and foremost I want you to know I love you. I love you so much my sweet and beautiful boy. Don’t ever forget that, okay?

Always stand up for what you believe in. I know your dad can be stubborn sometimes, but show him who’s boss. You’re so smart and intelligent now, I imagine by the time you get this letter you’ll be a genius.

Treat your partner with respect. They are taking on such a big responsibility by becoming royalty. They may not be used to this life. Be gentle. Be understanding. It was a hard adjustment for me when I married your dad. He was sweet for the most part. I had a hard time learning my magic, and learning the rules of what a queen can and cannot do. Some days I still struggle remembering this language. I know he was frustrated with me some days. Just remember they may not have had the same upbringing you did. Be gentle. Be kind.

And lastly, don’t be afraid to show your partner love. I don’t care if it’s not “manly” or whatever. Your partner is your partner. You love them. Don’t be afraid to show them that. You’re making a lifetime commitment to this person. You better mean it. Don’t ever hurt them. Don’t ever be cruel. This person is your entire life. Make sure that is what you want. If you can’t love them with your whole heart, don’t marry them. This is your life. Make the best of it.

This letter is ending too soon. I wish I had more time to tell you all of the things I want to. You’re so young now and I want to be able to give you little pieces of wisdom as you grow. Just know I’m so proud of you. I love you so much. I wish you lots of luck and love on this path that you’re taking. Stay safe my angel.

- Mom

Harry has tears streaming down his face by the end of the letter. He sobs with emotion as he reads the words again. Adeline walks over to him and put her hand on his shoulder.

“She’s proud of you Harry.” Adeline says, almost a whisper. “She loves you so much. She would love Sybil too.”

“I know she would.” Harry sniffles. “I miss her so much Adeline.”

“I know you do Harry. She’s with you always.” Adeline says. Harry takes a moment to let his emotions out before drying his face.

“Do you mind keeping this for me until after the wedding? I don’t want to fold it or lose it.”

“Of course. No go wake up your bride to be and get some breakfast. Today’s a busy day.” Adeline pushes gently. Harry gives her another hug before walking back to his room where Sybil lay on the bed, snoring away.

He walks up to her and gently shakes her. She immediately groans before opening her eyes and realizing what day it is. When her vision clears of its blurriness, she sees that Harry’s face is splotchy and red.

“Har, what’s wrong?” She asks worriedly. She sits up and cups his face.

“I went and talked to Adeline this morning. She told me that she can make a potion for you. She also gave me a letter from my mom that was not to be opened until my wedding day. It was a sweet letter.” Harry spills. Sybil feels relief that Adeline is going to try something to help them out. Sybil’s heart also yearns to comfort Harry about his mom.

Sybil pulls Harry down onto the bed and he sits in front of her. Sybil traces patterns on his legs as he sits there and admires her. He tells her a few of the things the letter said. Not long after waking up are they rushed to eat breakfast.

They ate what they could, but with the hustle and bustle came the anxiety. Sybil’s hands shook with fear of messing up and Harry’s hands became clammy as they both had to get ready.

Harry stands in his dressing room. The chatter of hundreds of people starting to fill the halls as they make their way to the room where the seats and the alter are set up. Ace enters his room with a soft knock on the door.

“How are you feeling son?” He asks. Harry continues to look in the mirror, making sure nothing about his outfit is out of place.

“Nervous.” He states honestly. He turns around to face his dad.

“What for?”

“I just want everything to be perfect. I want this to be a beautiful day.”

“It will be son. You’ve always worried too much.”

“My worry has gotten us out of some tight spots before hasn’t it?” He jokes. He gets a chuckle from his dad.

“I guess you’re right. But we’ve planned so much. We’ve got a whole team working on this. Guests are being seated now. Everything is going to go perfectly.” Ace says.

As Harry talks to his father, Sybil is in another room, her dress already on her body. The makeup and hair person has just left the room. She sits in front of the mirror while the quiet of the room surrounds her, no one there to comfort her anxiety.

Sybil looks down at her hands which are trembling. She balls them up to try and ease the shaking. She takes a deep breath, rehearsing the day in her head. Everything has a purpose. Everything is important. This isn’t just a wedding, but her wedding. She’s marrying Prince Harry. This is also her coronation when she will be crowned princess. There’s so many places she could mess up. So many ways it can go wrong.

Her thoughts are interrupted when a woman walks into the room. Sybil stands, putting on her brave face, clasping her hands to steady herself.

“We’re just about ready to start the ceremony. We are going to have you come out here and wait. Harry is already walking up.” The woman says. Sybil stands and follows her to a large set of double doors. She can’t hear anything from the room except light piano music. When the piano music pauses, the woman gives Sybil a thumbs up and pushes open the doors.

Sybil’s eyes catch on the beautifully decorated room. A while and gold carpet lines the aisle leading up to the alter.

Harry looks down from his position on the alter and catches sight of Sybil in her beautiful purple butterfly dress and purple flower crown. Even from this far away he can tell she looks stunning. Everyone in the room turns to face her, royalty, important guests, and staff alike.

Sybil looks up the long aisle to meet Harry’s eyes. He’s dressed in a beautiful suit of blacks and dark greens, his golden crown upon his head. The jewels sparkle in the light.

The piano music resumes as Sybil begins to take her first step of many, passing the hundreds of guests there to celebrate the marriage. Her dress drags slightly behind her as she takes her steps, trying her best not to trip in the heels they made her wear.

When she finally reaches the alter with Harry, he gives her a beaming smile. She returns a nervous one. Harry takes her hand it gives it a light squeeze. This brings her some comfort. The officiant faces the crowd from behind them.

“You may be seated.” He tells them. There is a small shuffle in the room as people find their seat. Once everyone is sitting, he begins his speech. “We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of Prince Harry and Sybil. This marriage symbolizes not only love, but another link to the other world. Today’s wedding also serves as a coronation and dedication. Sybil will be taking on the responsibility of our princess.”

Harry listens intently as Sybil nods along to his words. The officiant looks over to Sybil and then to his book.

“Sybil. As part of your marriage vows you are also taking on the duty of royalty. You vow to protect our people, which will be your people. You vow to serve them to the best of your ability. Not to act selfishly or cruelly.”

“I do.” She says, hiding the shakiness in her voice.

“You also vow as part of your duty, you will transform into one of us. You will undergo a transformation into a faery as a show to your commitment and dedication.”

“I do.”

“And finally, you vow as Harry’s wife to love him for all of your days. From the worst days to the best days. The dark days and the light. Through any curse or any blessing. You promise to love him for the rest of time.”

“I do.” Sybil responds again. The man turns to Harry.

“Prince Harry. You vow to love Sybil for the rest of your days. From the worst days to the best days. The dark days and the light. Through any curse or any blessing. You promise to love her for the rest of time.”

“I do.” He responds.

“As a show of your vow, please now give Sybil a piece of your magic, and she shall return this when she receives her magic.” He says. He steps back and Harry drops down to his knees.

Sybil looks down at Harry as he closes his eyes. Harry feels nervous, but ready to give this to her. He is hers, forever.

He puts his hand to his chest, a faint green glow that matches his wings started emanating from his chest. Harry can feel the magic pulsing through him and focusing in his hand. He feels all of his emotions for Sybil pulse through him as well. The love for her overwhelming, making the light grow brighter.

When Harry pulls his hand away from his chest, a glowing green ball hovers above the palm of his hand. He opens his eyes and looks at it for a moment, before closing his hand around it. When he closes his hand, the ball of light shrinks until his hand is closed. He stands up from his knees and looks into Sybil’s eyes.

He opens his hand to find a small green crystal sitting on a dainty silver chain. Harry looks back up at her to see a smile cover her face. Harry motions for her to turn around. Sybil obeys and spins so her back is facing him.

Harry gently takes her hair and puts it over her shoulder. He takes the necklace and loops it around her and fastens it to her neck. Her hand immediately goes up to find it, feeling the smooth crystal on her fingertips. She spins back around and everyone claps and cheers for them. Harry and Sybil take this moment to let their lips meet, feeling that familiar spark in their chests.

When the kiss breaks, the people quiet down. Sybil and Harry stand there hand in hand. Ace comes beside of Sybil with a crown in his hands.

Harry’s hand lets go of hers at the sight, knowing she has to bow. Sybil looks ahead at Harry’s father holding the crown. He lifts the crown into the air. Sybil bends down slightly and takes her flower crown off. Ace gently places the crown on her head. When she stands back up, the crown feels heavy. The people cheer again.

“Congratulations to Mister and Misses Styles!” Ace says. Ace leads Sybil and Harry down the aisle and to another room, waving at people as they pass.

“Now, we are just going to make an appearance for the people, and then we can go and party and eat when everyone else clears out.” Harry reminds her.

“Good. I’m so hungry, and as cute as this dress is, I’m ready to take it off.” Sybil tells him with a laugh. Harry laughs with her. The party is only going to consist of her, Harry, Adeline, Ace, and a few staff from around the castle. No need to be fancy. No need to be nervous.

“Are you guys ready to make your first appearance together? I’m going to speak and then I’ll bring you out okay?” Ace says to the both of them. They both nod and Ace walks out onto the balcony. The room floods with sunlight when the doors open.

A cheer comes when Ace is visible to the people below. When they settle, he begins to speak, his voice echoing through the crowd. He takes a moment to thank them for coming and showing their support for Harry.

When he says their names, they take each other’s hands and walk out onto the balcony to greet everyone.

In the face of the kingdom, Sybil and Harry smile as brightly as the sun is shining. They wave and greet their people as a team. Together. As anxiety filled as the day has been for them both, they can’t help but to be happy. Happy to get to do this together. To have each other. To love each other. This is the start to the rest of their lives.

- - -

Masterlist Series Part 4 Part 6

Our coming-of-age has come and gone. Suddenly the summer, it's clear, I never had the courage of my convictions. As long as danger is near, and it's just around the corner, darling, 'cause it lives in me. No, I could never give you peace

We have both grown up now since we saw each other last. We were only teenagers. I’ve liked him for all of these years, but we had our own lives. We ran in different circles. Different cities. Completely different lives. We spent that summer together, having the time of our lives. I almost told him then.

The day before my 18th birthday, we spent the day in his pool that sat in his backyard. His parents were almost never home. Always had somewhere to be, things to do, people to impress. Harry wasn’t like that.

He was a homebody. He didn’t do parties, or people, or drama. He kept to himself. He focused on school work and his music. So many nights I’d stay up and listen from my window, the soft guitar or piano that would come from the house next door. I would sometimes write lyrics to songs he played often. Other times I would duet songs when he had a hole in his lyrics. He doesn’t know that I could hear. That’s my secret to keep. Or so I thought.

We were sitting on the roof of his house, overlooking the neighborhood, the moon casting a soft glow on his skin. My parents went with his parents to a party, and we decided to stay behind. He stared up, watching the stars twinkle and fall across the sky.

“I don’t want my life to ever be like theirs. They spend so much time worrying about what people think of them, but it could be so easy.” He was talking, letting his feelings pour out of him to me, his best friend. “They dress up, they leave, they never get to relax. They never get to live. I can’t do it. I can’t be like them.”

“You don’t have to be you know. You can deviate from their life. We are almost adults now. We can do whatever we want. I want to show my music to the world, but that’s just because I’ve got a story to tell. You can do anything Harry.”

“I want to do my music, I just don’t think I can do it like you can. I’m not that lyrically talented. I don’t think I can perform.”

“That’s not true Harry.” I said before realizing what I’ve admitted.

“How would you know? I don’t share my music?” He plays dumb for a moment, already knowing the answer.

“I um…” I stutter. He chuckled at me, finally looking over at me, his green eyes sparkling in the light of the moon.

“I know you can hear me when I play. You’re the reason I play so loudly. I love to hear you sing to my music.” He said. Thank god it was dark so he couldn’t see how red my cheeks got. He chuckled again. “I can’t believe you thought this whole time I didn’t know.”

“I really didn’t think you did.” I admitted to him, my face blazing hot.

“You were born to perform. You have such a beautiful voice. I’m just not sure I’m meant for that life. That many people watching me. I can’t do it.”

“So what do you want to do then?”

“I don’t know. I want to do something with music. I could help you write. If you’d ever hire me when you make it big.”

“Of course I’ll hire you Harry. Why would I ever think of hiring someone else?” I tell him. He looks back up at the sky. He started to speak, but chose not to. The silence lingered over us like the darkness of the night. When he finally spoke up again, he said,

“I’m glad you’re my friend. I couldn’t imagine growing up with anyone else.” I loved the sentiment, but I wanted to be more than his friend. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted to be more.

But I'm a fire, and I'll keep your brittle heart warm if your cascade ocean wave blues come. All these people think love's for show, but I would die for you in secret. The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me. Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

I never thought I’d see the day we separated. We were inseparable. We were a team and then Harry had decided that he wanted to expand his music skills by going to a music college.

Don’t get me wrong. I will always be super proud of him. I just couldn’t imagine my life without him. I didn’t want him to forget about me. To forget everything we had and everything we had done.

Harry puts the last bag of his belongings in his car and shuts the trunk. He walks over to me standing on the sidewalk in front of our houses.

“Don’t look so sad. I’m not going to be gone forever.” He told me as he wrapped his arms around me. He felt warm despite the autumn breeze blowing on our skin. Leaves danced on the sidewalk as they got blown around.

“I know, but we’ve never been apart for this long. I don’t want you to go.” I told him, my voice wavering.

“I’m going to school. I’ll be back for holidays and spring break. Just think of how good my music is going to be after this. I’ll have a degree to submit as my qualifications to help with your music.”

“The odds of me making it are slim to none Harry. I hope you have a backup plan.” I told him, not knowing how wrong I was. How I should have just asked him to stay.

“I don’t need a backup plan. You’ve got this. You’re fantastic. You’re going to make it there one day. I can feel it. Keep uploading your videos. Keep sending in demos. You’ve got this.” He assures me. He holds me tighter. It’s another one of those moments where I wanted to tell him then and there. Maybe if I told him that I loved him, he would have stayed, but that’s selfish. I couldn’t take this away from him. So I stayed silent.

“Do you promise you’re going to try and keep in contact with me?” I asked him pathetically.

“I’m going to do my best. The different time zones is going to make it so I’m up way earlier than you and going to bed earlier, but I’ll keep in contact the best that I can.” He promised. He held his pinkie out to me, something we had done forever.

He kissed me on the forehead before he climbed in his car and said goodbye to me, unknowingly for the final time.

That first week was hell. Harry wasn’t able to talk at all. He didn’t text. He didn’t call. Not even a letter. All I could think about was that forehead kiss and what it meant. He had never shown me that level of affection before. Of course we hugged and sometimes cuddled, but nothing more. Why would he give me that send off and then leave me stranded with nothing. Not a single crumb of anything to hold on to except for the memory of that kiss.

It sent me into a spiral. I wrote more songs in the following weeks than I had ever before. Our contact was very limited. He was always in class. When he got out of class I was in bed. I tried staying up late to catch even just a single text, but it was so few and far between that I really struggled. My chest ached with how much I missed him.

One song in particular stands out to me now that I’ve made singing a full time job. It was the song that went viral. The song that got me noticed. I wrote it during that period of silence from Harry. When the only messages I did receive after the silence was him saying how sorry he was and what he had been doing lately.

So I wrote a song because it was the only way I knew how to cope. It was all of my heartbreak. All of my loneliness. All of the feelings of losing somebody you love even though they’re alive. I felt our friendship slipping like water through my fingers and I tried desperately to cup my hands, but it leaked anyways.

When I finally got around to recording the song that I wrote, I posted it to my usual channels and that’s when my life changed. I woke up to thousands of notifications. My video, my song had went viral in a matter of hours. I had never imagined that my music would actually take off.

It was after that day that a record label had seen the video and wanted to sign me. I obviously took it, and that caused what was left of Harry and I’s communication to cease completely. We both were busy. We weren’t able to talk anymore. In the hardest time of my life I was blessed with my dream job. It was difficult for me to process. I was so upset that I lost Harry but I was getting everything I ever wanted. The one thing I wanted the most was to see Harry again and tell him I made it.

Your integrity makes me seem small. You paint dreamscapes on the wall. I talk shit with my friends. It's like I'm wasting your honor.

“Did you ever think you’d make it?” The interviewer asked me once. I was doing a lot of press before I went on my first tour. My first album had just been released and it was huge. I got number one on billboards. This was everything I dreamed of.

“I always wanted to make it, but I did have my doubts.”

“I’m sure. Did you expect ‘Mourning’ to go viral overnight?” She asked, mentioning my first song about Harry’s departure from my life.

“Absolutely not. I thought it was going to be like all of the others. Some views. A few likes. Not waking up to internet fame.”

“Well it seemed to have worked out for you! Now you’re about to start your world tour, you’ve already done a fair amount of traveling around. Is there anything you miss about home?” She asked me, making a stabbing pain form in my chest that radiated and transformed to nausea in my stomach.

“Of course. There’s a lot I miss about home. When I lived there, I just dreamed of getting out of that town. I hated living in such a small area where everyone knows everybody. But now I kind of feel bad for talking so much crap about it. Of course I love traveling and this is something I’ve always wanted to do, I miss being home. I miss how calm it was. I miss my friend.” I said, the last sentence slipping out unintentionally.

“Now is this the person ‘Mourning’ is about?” She immediately clocked me not wanting to mention him.

“It is.” I admitted to her. She already knew.

“Did you have to leave them behind to chase your career?”

“In a way, yes. But I’d rather not tell the tale. He would want his privacy. And he deserves that.” I told her.

The rest of the interview went smoothly, her not bringing Harry up again. After that interview, I needed some relief from the feelings that began to flood me again after thinking of Harry. I cancelled my next interview. I isolated for a week, just drinking and writing songs. Now the whole world knows about him, and I still feel immensely guilty for even slightly bringing him into the spotlight.

I know they don’t know who he is, or where he’s at now, but he always hated the attention. He hated the spotlight and everything associated with this job. That’s why he always talked of being one of my songwriters. He wanted to be in the shadows. And all I did was send people chasing after his scent, trying to figure out who he is like a pack of feral dogs.

I still feel guilty today for that interview.

And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences, sit with you in the trenches, give you my wild, give you a child, give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other. Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother. Is it enough?

I was halfway through the tour at this point, and I still think back to that interview. I think about Harry everyday, and how as much as I want him. I can’t give him what he wants. Not anymore. My life is too chaotic. More than it used to be.

Once upon a time he was able to calm the chaos in my head, before I let our friendship slip away. I sometimes think about trying to send him a text and tell him everything, but he probably doesn’t want to speak to me after everything. After I abandoned what was left of our friendship. Everything that I feel about Harry is my fault. He was trying and I ended up not being able to text back at all due to everything going on in my life.

Back a few years ago, I was having a terrible time. My mother had recently hurt me. She not only insulted me but crushed my dreams like a bug under the heel of her shoe.

She yelled at me when she found my YouTube channel. She went on and on about how dangerous it was for me to post videos of myself on the internet. She yelled that I was just looking for attention and that I’d never make it. I was wasting my time.

I went to my room to get away from it all. I sat on the bench by my window and just cried. I didn’t play music. I didn’t write. She made me feel so ashamed for what I love to do. I still have a hard time forgiving her for that.

Harry must have seen me or heard everything that happened because it wasn’t long before he was at him window, playing piano. It was my favorite song. He played it a few times. When the music stopped, my phone began to ring.

I picked it up, swallowing down the shakiness in my voice, but I can’t hide how hoarse it is.

“Hello?”

“Do you want to talk?”

“I can’t come over right now.” I told him sadly. He didn’t bring up that I’m an adult and I can leave when I want. He didn’t remind me that I wasn’t a child under them anymore. He knew I would protest. He knows how I get.

“I know. If you want, you can open your window and I’ll come in?” He asked, waiting patiently for my answer.

“Okay.” Is all I said. I opened the window all of the way and went back to my bed. The phone had hung up, but not long after that was Harry climbing through my window. He saw my tear stained face and climbed onto the bed with me. He put his arm around me as I began to cry again. He just held me as I laid against his chest and stained his shirt with my tears. My chest ached with so many emotions. It felt like a fire spreading through me. I was so angry. So disappointed. So ashamed.

I felt like after that, I would never write again. She made me feel horrible for making my music public and I had no idea why. I still don’t. I couldn’t even look at my guitar or piano. I couldn’t stand the sight of them.

He didn’t ask me any questions. He didn’t pressure me to tell him what was wrong. He sat there in silence, holding me, and helping keep the pieces of me together. It wasn’t a bad or awkward silence. He just understood that words wouldn’t help in the moment. He could talk to me when the tears were done. He just held me.

When I did finally calm down enough to be talked to, he was gentle with his words. He was soft. He was kind. He was perfect.

“She’s wrong, you know.” He tells me. “You’re a beautiful singer. You’re amazingly talented. You were born to do this. Don’t let her steal this from you.”

“She’s right. I’ll never make it.” I doubted myself. “I don’t even know why I try.”

“That’s her in your head talking. Don’t let this make you stop music. I’d be devastated if I never heard you sing again.” He looked upset at the thought. “If you can’t keep making music for yourself, at least keep singing by your window for me until you’re inspired to do it again.”

I fell more in love with him that night. I didn’t think I could love him more than I did. More than I do. I’d do anything for him. And if that meant singing silly little covers until I got out of this funk that my mom put me in, I’d do it just for him. Only for him.

The next day I didn’t speak to my mom. I stayed in my room at the window with my keyboard. I played some of Harry’s favorite songs. None of my own, but anything that I could remember that he loved, I played. I sang. I let my fingers hit the keys, the sounds louder the harder I struck them.

When he wasn’t busy, I saw him sitting in his window, just listening to me play. And that’s all I did that day. And the next day. It took me about a week before I began to play any original work, and another week before I began to write again.

But there's robbers to the east, clowns to the west. I'd give you my sunshine, give you my best. But the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me.

The tour was almost over. I just finished a performance in New York City. A few more stops before I landed back in my hometown for the last one. I received some of the scariest news of my life.

I walk backstage to the room reserved for me. I flop down onto the couch and just take a moment to relax. The crowd was energetic, like they had all been struck with lightning before I got there. I had to give them a show to remember.

I’m exhausted physically, but my mind never stops racing. Every show makes me think of him. Every song about him makes me go back to those memories of us. How things used to be. I close my eyes and let the feelings float past me. I can’t drown in them. Not tonight.

My manager came in and told me to look at instagram. I sat up on the couch in surprise. She doesn’t normally burst in the room. I opened it and it was the first thing I saw. It was a picture of my house, the caption reading my name, street address, and details about where I live.

In that moment I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I had to drown. I was suffocating. Being buried alive. Someone found my home. The only place that was mine. The only place I had privacy. The only place I could escape all of the eyes watching me. It’s not longer mine. It is for the world to view.

“H-how did this happen?” I asked, shock ran through me. “I haven’t been home for months!”

“We’re not sure. We are working to get it removed.” She told me and my chest ached.

I wanted this career but I deserved to have a space of my own. I deserved my home to be one of those things that is private. I deserved to be able to have a life, but I’ll never have it. This life doesn’t allow for privacy. I knew then that Harry wouldn’t be able to have this life with me. He would hate the intrusion. He would hate me for putting him out there and at risk. Harry couldn’t do this. He doesn’t want this.

Instagram finally did remove it, but not before people would screenshot it. Not before the entire world had access to my life.

Most of my fanbase knew I wasn’t home. I’m in a whole different country. I’m worried about my belongings. Will they vandalize my home?

“Can you make arrangements to have someone protect my home? I don’t want-“

“It’s already done. And there will be an extra security presence after you’re done tour and can go home.” She told me and I took a deep breath.

“I’m going to have to move. I can’t have people waiting for me outside my house every time I need to go get groceries. Do they forget I’m a person too?”

“Sadly I think they do. We can look for something I bit more remote if you’d like.” She put her hand on my shoulder to show her support for me, but I wasn’t comforted. I’m still not. I’m afraid to go home after the final night of this tour.

But I'm a fire, and I'll keep your brittle heart warm if your cascade ocean wave blues come. All these people think love's for show, but I would die for you in secret. The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me. Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

How has everything gotten so crazy for me? It’s been a whirlwind since my video went viral and now I’m on a world tour. I don’t regret a single thing, except of course, losing Harry.

I sit on the couch of the backstage room with a pen in my hand, staring at my blank notebook. The cover open, the first page like a canvas waiting to be painted on.

One more stop, one more performance, and then I can go home. After that, it’s putting the next album together, recording, and touring again. I have to keep my momentum going.

I’m excited to be in my hometown. It’s small, and definitely not like where I live now in the city, but it’s bigger than some of the farm towns we have had to drive through to get from place to place. I can’t believe I ever called it a tiny town with nothing in it compared to the places I’ve seen now. My town is fairly large. The fact it has a venue for me to perform in says enough.

My pen begins to scratch ideas onto the page that will later be turned into lines of a future song.

I long to be home. I long for the peace. I long for the days where I didn’t have to face seeing fans at my house when I leave.

I’ll have to find a way to make that sound more elegant. Maybe make it rhyme.

I long to be held by you. No place will ever be home like your arms are. That’s where I want to be.

Am I really here again? Thinking about Harry. It’s been years. Two or so years since he left for school. Two or so years since I was discovered. Two or so years of the best and worst days of my life.

But you’ll never have me. It’s been too long. I’m too far gone.

I flip the page. I need to find a different vibe. I can’t get myself down before this performance. I only have a few minutes, maybe a half hour before I have to go get on stage.

I take a moment to think about my life. Every part has revolved around Harry. Being his best friend, wanting more, losing him, longing for him. Everything is about him if I want it to be or not.

So I start. I start writing whatever is on my mind, starting with that summer of my 18th birthday.

Our coming of age has come and gone. Suddenly the summer it’s clear.

Words flow out of me, just remembering back to everything. All of these parts of my life coming together to make these verses. I can see myself making a song out of this.

“Are you ready?” My manager asks and I nod at her. I stand up and walk to her. She hands me a microphone. I take a deep breath before switching it on. The lights shut off and the fans scream. I step out onto the stage and the bright lights come back on, all pointed at me. The fans scream wildly as I come into view.

Would it be enough if I could never give you peace? Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

The beginning notes of the song come on and I begin to sing. My life’s dream. All of my hard work. All right here in this moment. Gratitude and adoration for all of this fills my chest. The words flow out of my mouth without a second thought. The words I’ve sung for years. The words that I wrote in my bedroom of my parent’s house. The words inspired by nights on the roof and days at the parks. The words when I was truly living and words when I thought I would die. It’s all here.

I move across the stage in the way that I have many times before. The same practiced dance moves. The same words and the same lights. Night after night.

I dance and sing my way to the front of the stage and that’s when my whole world stops. The words keep coming out of my mouth and my body keeps dancing but my eyes are trained on one thing.

He’s here, standing in the front row. It’s Harry.

When I make eye contact with him, he gives me the widest smile I’ve ever seen cross his face. He sings along to all of the words that I’m singing. He dances in place on his spot of the floor.

The song ends and the next begins, but I have a hard time shifting my focus. I have to pretend like he isn’t there. Like he isn’t changing my whole world. I have to perform. I have a job to do.

I sing all the words again, hitting every mark, completing every goal. I occasionally look at him, afraid that I hallucinated him standing there. Every time he’s still there. Still singing along. Still having that huge grin on his face. He’s here.

I can’t get off of this stage fast enough. I want to just jump into the crowd and wrap my arms around him. How am I going to find him after this is over? How will I let him know to come back stage. I can’t let him leave here without seeing me. I have to talk to him. I have to tell him how sorry I am for everything that has happened.

The song ends, and this is a part where I talk to the audience. I try to act normal. I try to control how fast my heart is pounding.

“How is everyone tonight?” I ask and it’s followed by screams, whistles, and clapping. “I love the energy here tonight! You guys are amazing!”

The next song begins soon after, not giving me enough time to find a way to address Harry without making it obvious.

The rest of the performance goes smoothly, I don’t mess up a single word. I do every move.

As the last song closes out and the stage gets dark, I make my way to the front where Harry is, my last chance to get to him.

I get there and I don’t see anyone. Harry is walking away. No. No. He can’t leave. I need to see him.

I run backstage and my manager slows me down by stopping me.

“Everything okay?”

“He’s here. Oh my god. He’s here.”

“Who?” She asks.

“Harry. He’s here. I need to find him.”

“You can’t go out there. Those people will trample you to death or kidnap you or something!”

“You don’t understand. I need to see him.”

“I’m sorry but the crowd is already gone.” She says. Tears begin to stream out of my eyes as I look back out at the stage and see that the room is empty.

I run past my manager back to my room and slam the door. I let him slip past me again and I’ll never be able to get this chance again. Sobs wrack my body, my chest on fire. There’s a knock on my door.

“Go away!”

“I don’t really think you want me to go away.” My manager says. “I have something for you.”

“I don’t want it.”

“Yes you do. Now open the door or I’m just coming in.”

“No.” I tell her, fed up with her even though this isn’t her fault. It’s mine. It’s all mine.

The door opens and she comes through. I expected something in her hands, but they are empty.

“What was so important?” I ask her, wiping the tears from my face, makeup coming off with it.

“Someone is here to see you.” She says. Before I am able to protest having visitors, my breath is taken away from me again. Harry walks through the door with a big bouquet of flowers in his hands, and a backstage pass around his neck.

“Oh my god!” I yell. I run up to him as he puts the flowers down. I jump into his arms and hold him. “You’re here. You’re actually here!” I say, my face buried into his neck.

“You did amazing! I’m so proud of you!” He tells me. I don’t even try to move from this hug. This is all that I’ve dreamed of since he left. I hear my manager walk out of the room and close the door. “Couldn’t even wait for me to get a degree before getting famous huh?”

“It’s been a bit out of my control. Harry I’m so sorry-“

“Nothing to be sorry for, love.” He says. He pulls me back and holds my shoulders, looking over my face.

“I do. I got this job and we lost contact and I’m so sorry. I’ve feel terrible for everything.” I admit to him, tears threatening to spill again.

“I would never have asked you to choose texting me over getting your dream. This is what you’ve worked so hard for. I couldn’t take that away from you.”

“I don’t ever want to lose you again.” I tell him softly as his eyes scan mine.

“I don’t plan on going anywhere. I’m finished my two year program. I’m ready to submit my qualifications to you.”

“It’s yours. I don’t want anyone else. I’ll tell my manager.” I say. I start to step away but he holds me in place.

“We can tell her later. I’d like to catch up.” He tells me and I nod, my thoughts racing. We walk to the couch and sit down.

“How was music school? How did you do?”

“I did well. I had fun, but I missed you. I hated not being able to talk to you and hang out with you.” He wraps his arm around me in the same way he did when he was comforting me that night my mom yelled at me. “I was really worried about you when I saw that someone leaked your address. I saw people commenting that you were safe because you were on tour. I bought tickets because I knew I needed to see you. It had been too long. And then one of my professors from school got me in contact with your manager and that’s how I got a backstage pass.”

“You were worried about me?” I ask, not expecting it.

“Of course. That’s scary having your home leaked onto the internet. I can’t even imagine how you must have felt. I didn’t know if your number still worked or if you had changed it, so I didn’t call.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I said you don’t have anything to be sorry for. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I wanted to see you because I missed you.”

“I missed you too Harry. So much.” I squeeze his hand for emphasis. All of this is because of you.”

“Nonsense. You’ve been working so hard-“ he starts but I interrupt. I can’t hold in my feelings any longer. I have to say it.

“A lot of my songs are about you, Harry. I- I don’t ever want to go that long without you again. The songs about you are what got me here. I owe it all to you. I love you Harry.”

“I love you too. But you got yourself here. I didn’t write those songs.”

“No Harry, you don’t understand. I love you. I want to date you. I want to be with you. But I know you don’t like this life. You told me this chaotic life wasn’t for you. I know that you can’t be with me and it was selfish of me to say anything. I can’t give you the peace you want.”

“Hey, hey. Don’t cry.” He tells me, his thumb wiping the tears that I didn’t even know were there off of my cheeks. “I want to be with you. I wanted to ask you tonight, but we just got so wrapped up in everything.” He tells me and I feel my body freeze from shock at his words.

“You- told me that night on the roof, you couldn’t be like your parents. You couldn’t do the dressing up, the parties, caring what people think. All of those things are part of my job. How-“

“You’re right. I did say those things, but I’d be willing to do them for you. Do I enjoy parties? Not really. But for you, I’d go to one every night if I could be by your side. I’d dress up in the most ridiculous clothes for it too. You’d laugh at me for sure. But this is your dream, and I want to spend the rest of my life looking into your eyes and seeing how they light up when you’re on stage and singing your music. I want to see how happy you get when your album launches. I want to celebrate your accomplishments with you. I want you.”

My arms fly around him again, more tears coming down my face. “You’d really do this for me? The photos and paparazzi and-“

“I love you. Let them say what they want. We can figure it all out. Just go on a date with me?”

“Of course. Oh my god.” His arms warp around me, and the lines I wrote earlier come to mind. His arms are home. He wants me as I am. He would sacrifice his peace for me. A line pops into my head.

Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

“Shall we get you home?” Harry asks after we sit on the couch just holding each other for a moment.

“Will you stay? I don’t blame you if you don’t want to. There probably people outside of my house and-“

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Or you can stay at mine tonight and go to your home in the morning?”

“Where do you live now?”

“Just right in town.”

“Okay.” I tell him. We get up and go tell my manager everything. About me wanting to hire him on, about me staying at his place, and land to travel home in the morning. She said she would take care of the equipment and everything for me. Harry took my hand and we left in his car. His hand reaching across the center and resting on my thigh as I fall asleep in the passenger seat, glad to finally have him. To finally get to have him in my life again.

Maybe I can’t give him peace, but I can give him love. And maybe that’s enough.

- - -

Masterlist Song Series