#hss mc

Aiden Zhou remained fixed on the steady ticking beat of the clock across from him. The dull, flavorless, droning beat. “Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick”. That was the only damn thing going on in the doctor’s office.

Perhaps, when played as the backing beat for a harmony of other instruments, he might have cared for it more. But on its own, it had about as much appeal as that one kid who spends long car rides kicking the back of the seat while chanting “Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” over and over and over and over and over.

Funnily enough, though… the matter of having kids was the reason he was here waiting in the first place.

Aiden gazed down at his lower stomach, and his hand drew towards it— but then paused, his heart now pounding like a rock. What if… there wasn’t a baby… in there…? Oh God, what if there wasn’t? What if the results said negative?

He took a deep breath. It’s okay, one part of him thought. Even if there isn’t, we can try again. This isn’t some one-and-only chance.

But what if it isn’t as easy to just keep trying again? thought the other part of him. What if there were actually some complications for him or Evie with the reproductive transplant operations? What if it would never be possible for him to become pregnant?

His throat and stomach stirred with nausea, the bile of the past five years seeming to rise up. The recurring woeful spirals of processing that pregnancy was (at that time) completely impossible for him. The agonizing wait for full genitalia and reproductive transplants to be made feasible. The fact that he and Evie had to go through this entire arduous wait and elaborate process before pregnancy could be possible for him.

Aiden’s stomach turned, and he frowned. God, how he’d much rather this nausea was coming from morning sickness.

Well, who knows? Maybe morning sickness was contributing too. He just wished it was the only contributor…

Um, not that he actually wanted to experience morning sickness, just that—

Aiden felt his cheeks searing slightly, face turning from green to red. Most people would think he was completely batshit if he were ever to say something like that, never mind think it. Not even just about morning sickness— just declaring his desire to become pregnant would’ve been more than enough to yield that exact outcome.

And the reactions would only be worse once he was pregnant for real. Sure, just about everyone important and trustworthy to him and Evie were more than supportive of their conception preferences. But the possibility of getting strange stares from strangers when he was soon showing was no less uncomfortable to think about. Not to mention the… less progressive-minded of their (mostly Aiden’s) relevant family members that they may or may not inevitably have to tell. He just barely managed a “Why would you want to get pregnant?” talk from his own mother… she was nowhere near as bad as some of his other relatives, but why in the ever loving hell did he need to be interrogated on what he wants???

Though sometimes, even he would question himself on that matter. It was hard not to… what with all that was going against him.

Yet, Aiden still knew that he wanted it. And he knew why he wanted it. He had his reasons, and they were pretty damn good reasons in his opinion. 

Maybe it was just hard to believe for himself sometimes. Most of his life, he barely even entertained the idea of pregnancy for himself— why waste time thinking about something that wasn’t even possible? And even if he’d considered a hypothetical situation, he probably would’ve thought himself lacking in the mental fortitude necessary for it. Only about nine years ago did Aiden start entertaining and liking the idea of being pregnant… and for the past five years, he’s known he really and firmly did want to bear his and Evie’s children.

And with him finally on the verge of achieving that now, what he certainly couldn’t bear was the possibility of having gone through all that past anxiety and frustration and waiting, only for pregnancy to still be unsuccessful for him. For all this effort to just be a trivial, shallow, idealistic waste of time—

He felt a stabbing pang in his heart, and his face started to harden. No, he told himself. Don’t let that mindset get to you again. Especially not now. You’re not wasting your time over this. You are not stupid, shallow, immature, or “sick” to want this. It’s not a useless or selfish or trivial thing to want.

Okay, true. But if this conception did turn out to be unsuccessful… what if that was his fault? What if he (and Evie) rushed into this? Yes, the reproductive transplant process had been deemed feasible, but what if it could’ve been improved? What if he should’ve waited a bit longer until it was? Or, even that aside, what if he should’ve waited until these transplants had been around for longer, and maybe more normalized and accepted by the general public?

But how much longer would he have to wait then, in either of those cases? Thirty-one is a pretty standard age to become pregnant, but what if he was in his forties or older by the time it was “better”? And thus it might’ve been more difficult or risky for him to try and become pregnant? If it turned out he had to wait until reproductive transplants were around for a bit longer, only for his chance for pregnancy to go right out the window—

Ugh. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Ninety percent of this process was just fucking waiting. Waiting for the reproductive transplant process to be made feasible. Waiting to fully heal from their operations. Waiting to know if they actually conceived. He was so sick of having to wait so fucking much. The goddamn ticks of the clock may as well have been just droning “Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.” at him, as if to deliberately tick him off further.

Aiden sighed. He was partly starting to regret the whole insist-on-going-to-the-appointments-alone-so-he-can-hear-the-results-first-and-then-plan-a-big-event-to-surprise-Evie-and-Luna-with-the-big-news scheme he’d been planning. Or hell, if he really wanted to get quick test results but still do a big surprise set-up announcement, he could’ve just done an at-home pregnancy test.

But perhaps, he supposed, this was the price to pay for wanting the more accurate test results. This agonizing wait in the doctor’s office, that was much less bearable without his wife and daughter.

Of course… he wasn’t necessarily alone right now. At least, there was a possibility he wasn’t alone.

Aiden glanced down at his stomach again, freezing in place momentarily... and then he slipped his hand under his shirt, under the waistband of his jeans, and pressed his palm against his bare lower abdomen. Almost immediately, he felt his heartbeat relax.

Sure, he thought, there might not be a kid… in there… But there also might be. And… he preferred to imagine there was. It soothed his heart from its former frantic pounding to a more gentle, steady beat.

Gently caressing his stomach, Aiden closed his eyes and began softly humming a tune— Mozart’s 16th Sonata in C, one of his favorites. The first song he played to a concert audience, the first song he played for Evie, the first song he played for Luna… and now, perhaps, the first song he plays for this yet-to-be-born child growing inside him.

And, oh, how there were so many more songs he’s been wanting to share with the baby, just as he did with Evie and Luna and his many other audiences. Aiden felt his heart flutter in tune with his singing, feeling both a rush of excitement and an air of peacefulness...

And then right at that moment, his song was cut off by the swing of the opening door, as Dr. Perry finally returned to the room. Aiden felt a spark of extra hope at the sight of the warm grin she was wearing.

“Alright, Mr. Zhou, I have your results…”

Aiden sat up straight and tense, his heartbeat accelerating again. “What do they say?”

Dr. Perry beamed at him. And spoke but three little words. And needed not continue further.