What Cosmere Characters Would Talk About If You Got Them Drunk Enough
As requested by @taelenat :)
Shallan: [In front of what appears to be a conspiracy board]
Shallan: And you'd think! How complicated could the food web be?? Isn't it crabs all the way down???
Shallan: But no! If you try to do it fully & honestly, you look like a crazy person!!!
Kaladin [quietly]: Do you know what a food web is?
Adolin [quietly]: Just nod and smile, Kal. Just nod and smile.
2. Ham: Increasingly deranged trolley problems
Ham: OKAY. But what if on ONE side is Kelsier, and he's saying he just discovered what the eleventh metal is, and on the OTHER side is the Lord Ruler but also twenty-five adorable orphan children!
Elend: ...And tell me again what a trolley is?
Vin: It's some device that Ham invented while drunk that seems to exist just to kill one group of people but not the other.
Elend: Huh.
Ham: Hey! Fewer definitions, more philosophy!
3. Vathi: Running away to the jungle
Vathi: Also in the jungle? No council meetings.
Dusk: Deathants.
Vathi: No weirdos from other planets coming around to posture and huff.
Dusk: Nightmaws.
Vathi: No paperwork!
Dusk: Cakoban's Fingers.
Vathi: Man, I should just live in the jungle forever...
Dusk: ...Maybe I should cut you off.
4. Salay: Increasing insane Tress conspiracy theories
Salay: You know, maybe Tress ISN'T a King's Mask.
Tress: Y-You finally believe me?'
Salay: Maybe she's a terrifying reanimated construct that Ulaam made out of spare parts!!
Ulaam: I'd do that.
Tress: D-Don't encourage her!
Hrathen: I bet her hair is really soft.
Hrathen: Do you think her hair is soft?
Dilaf: I long for death to take us both.
Shai: I bet his hair is, like, greasy all the time.
Shai: Do you think his hair is greasy?
Kelsier: The greasiest.
Llarimar: I mean, I am so grateful that he saved Tatara's life.
Llarimar: And if anyone is meant for more, I do believe it is him.
Llarimar: But is a little bit like working for my brother's corpse.
Llarimar: I relive his death every time he looks at me and doesn't know who I am.
Llarimar: [takes a long swig of wine]
Siri: I maybe slightly regret this hangout.
8. Marasi: Wax/Wayne Fanfic
Marasi: A-And there was this other one where Wayne finds Wax after he's been shot, and it's kinda this whump thing, and like, Wayne is crying and Wax is trying to be strong... And when Wayne thinks Wax is slipping away, h-he goes in for a kiss...
Wayne: (gasp) And THEN what happens???
Wax: ...I need to be drunker for this.
9. Yumi: Stackability Ratings
Yumi: Now, you might THINK that plates would be a solid 13, since potatoes were an 8.
Yumi: But you have to remember that the CONSEQUENCES of dropping plates is a 9, whereas for potatoes it's a 2, which of course explains the difference!
Akane: ...Are you following this?
Nikaro: Just nod and smile, Akane. Just nod and smile.
