#homebound

i had dreams of having my own artists loft. i had dreams of advocacy work. i had dreams of exploring the world around me. i had dreams of selling my arts and crafts and using my skills for mutual aid.

i had dreams of being part of a friend group that functioned more like a found family. i had dreams of belonging somewhere and having something to dedicate my time towards beyond surviving.

and yet after everything ive been through. now that i finally have my own space and income (welfare prince). its just barely enough. im so sick now. my body is just. shot. completely.

im so weak. i used to be so much stronger, even if ive always been somewhat frail. ive been watching my body slowly deteriorate for years. thinking the entire time that there has to be something i can do. something im doing wrong that i can change. something something something.

im so jealous of everyone who got to "return to their lives" after the lockdowns ended. im so fucking jealous so many of them dont know what they fucking have. they take the life they have today for granted. and have the fucking gall to shame those of us who have no normal to return to.

You’re not technically forbidden from doing things abled people do, your benefits just get lowered or revoked completely.

You’re not technically prohibited from doing things any legal adult can, you just will not accommodated for to ensure that it happens. You just have a guardian or caregiver who won’t let you.

You’re not technically barred from having a social life, you’re just not guaranteed any help to ensure it can happen at all.

You’re not technically at house arrest, you just lack the support needed to be able to leave the house.

All these freedoms that people otherwise take for granted, completely inaccessible and often unrealistic to even hope for. I feel like an alien, or like I live on a whole different plane of existence parallel. In a place where people don’t see my struggle, nor the harm that put me here, where it looks like I lead a simple and carefree life without worry in the eyes of other people.

People who get to reap the benefits of being perceived as normal. People who have always lead happy, normal lives. People who have to sacrifice parts of themselves to pretend and then goes on to think that those who don’t do the same are just making excuses.

’Normal’ implies an inverse, and that inverse house those of who are always left behind, and are always thought of last. We get shut out from society at large, and we get shut out from our own communities for supposedly invalidating other people with our presence.

People who think the grass is greener on the other side. People who think not working is a choice rather than the death sentence it often is. People who make up fantasy versions of what it’s like to be like you, and who use the higher capacity they possess but don’t perceive to punch down as punishment for some made up privilege they project onto you.

People who should be peers but accuse those like you of giving the community a bad reputation.

For being visibly disabled. For needing extensive care and support by others to survive. For being too much. For wanting to be included in discussions that should involve us.

And then they ask why we are upset. We’re community, we should be here for each other and not squabble between ourselves.

Stop infighting. Stop standing up for yourself. Stop challenging lateral bigotry from people who should know better.

Stop reminding that you’re here.