#holidaydrinking

Relaxed, feeling so calm and maybe over-sated from the Holidays?

Almost every Christmas since my brother passed away, my aunt and I have coped with the family drama by getting stupid drunk while everyone else engages in drama. This is really what got me through the holidays in the past. My relationship with my parents was strained a year after he died, and it quickly derailed in the subsequent years. They got crazy religious, while I did not. More on that in another post.

My aunt and I had a close relationship for most of my life. She is only 12 years older than I am, and my mom often joked that she was her first child. She was there when I was born. Growing up, I spent every summer and winter holiday with her. She let me try beer when I was 13. Actually, she told me I could try her Miller Light while we were at a bowling alley. I said no instinctively, because I am a goody-goody. Then after a few minutes, I decided I wanted to try it. But I had already said no. So while she was bowling her turn, I took a secret swig. She knew exactly what I had done as soon as she caught sight of my sour face. She scolded me for not being discrete, but then laughed. I still think beer is nasty.

My aunt was very new-agey. The complete opposite of my mom. She had dreadlocks and barely wore makeup. She got me into incense and astrology (cringe). She took me shopping to buy my infamous space pants (one day I will find a picture!). She would drive us around the ECU campus in my grandmother’s luxury convertibles to look at cute boys. She was so cool. She was so fun. I idolized her.

She got pregnant with my cousin when I was 12. She lost the dreadlocks, but was still my cool aunt. I have always found babies to be annoying, but my little cousin grew on me. We still spent every summer and winter holiday with her. One time the cops showed up to our NYE “party” because my brother and uncle were shooting off illegal fireworks. Never a dull moment.

Things changed over the years. She got married and had another baby. I graduated high school. We were still very close.

Like my parents, my aunt found Jesus after my brother died. I tried to go on that journey with them, and couldn’t. Because I don’t believe in anything supernatural, and barring a traumatic brain injury, I never will. But I tried. Anyways, after I feel off the Jesus wagon, she still accepted me and we were still close. In fact, we were maybe even closer. She was the only person I could confide in about my strained and stressful relationship with my parents. She was the only person close enough to the situation to understand what I was going through. She saw how they changed for the worse. She let me vent and validated my feelings. She was a cornerstone of my sanity for years.

I can’t recall exactly when she started to change. But things came to a head right before my dissertation defense. I was under a considerable amount of stress (shocking!), and when she asked me about where to find a grocery store around campus, I told her to just Google it.

Later, in a group text, someone asked where I wanted to have a celebratory dinner. I said I didn’t care (again, I’m preparing for the biggest day of my life) and that someone else could pick. My aunt went off and was extremely verbally abusive. She said I was a bitch and ungrateful (my mom quickly offered to find a restaurant). I have scoured my computer and iPad for these messages, and for some reason it doesn’t include all of the messages. The abuse started right after I said, “Y’all can pick…” No idea why some of her messages disappeared. Even if I had selectively deleted some of her messages on my phone, they still would’ve shown up on my iPad. Where did they go?! I really wish I could find what she said verbatim. Oh well.

While I was at Kinkos at 9pm at night spending $200 getting my dissertation printed (not getting drunk with my friends), she sent me these messages. I asked her not to come if she was going to be like this. And she didn’t.

By the way, preparing for my defense is what I had to do that was keeping me “so fucking busy”. Clearly I’m the one lacking common “curtesy” here. Ok, done being petty.

After this incident, we didn’t talk for around 8 months. I was so profoundly hurt. She couldn’t bother to show up for me on the most important day of my life? I went out of my way to not think about it, because I would start crying almost instantaneously if I did. I had to block her number, because she couldn’t stop sending me vitriolic messages. At some point, I unblocked her, and occasionally she would send me a napology (non-apology) that would essentially say, “I'm sorry, but you made me act that way.” I couldn't forgive her, because 1) napologies don’t mean anything and 2) I was wounded in an irreparable way.

Then on December 19th of last year, I was lonely and overwhelmed with work and family stress. I reached out to her and we reconnected. My mental state was pretty bad at this point, which I think was why I could set aside the mortal wound. It was actually a relief to have someone I could talk to like we always did again. She helped me with my job search. I stayed with her when I came to Raleigh for job interviews. She helped find people to pack my stuff up in Texas. After I moved back to NC, I would hang with her family. Things were great. 

Then something happened and she behaved in a way that I find to be reprehensible and unforgivable. I’m not going to say what this thing was, because it’s not my place to out a victim. But the situation involved rape. I am so deeply affected by the entire spectrum of sexual assault (more on that in other posts). In fact, the most recent time I was raped, I reached out to her and she was extremely supportive. Which makes this whole thing even more baffling, appalling, and sad. 

At this point, the thought of being in the same room with her makes me physically ill. We haven’t talked in 8 months. I don’t see a path forward from this. The fact of the matter is she is abusive in all manners of the word, and I don’t have time for people like that in my life. I have personally experienced her abuse, as well as witnessed her abuse of others. My grandmother has basically said I should just get over it and love her as she is (more on my fucked-up grandmother in another post). She hasn’t reached out to me since this message, which I assume means she has as little desire to have a relationship with me as I do with her. 

I’m angry, but I’m also really sad. Sad that someone I adored for my whole life has become an intolerable person. Sad that I’ve lost a deep and profound relationship. Sad that we’ll never get drunk at Christmas again.