#hoa rules

For 17 years, my headset was a direct line to American frustration. Working in customer service for a multinational shipping company, I have spent thousands of hours listening to seething, heart-broken, and downright furious customers reporting package thefts. I’ve heard it all: holiday gifts vanishing from front porches, vital medical supplies snatched in broad daylight, and the endless scourge…

We have spied on your personal conversations for a year now and we must say we are APPALLED that at least two households are accusing our HOA of being a CULT. We are not a cult!! We just spy on your every move, want you all to be exactly the same, and shun you if you don't follow all of our unwritten rules on hypernormalcy!! WE ARE NOT A CULT!!

And I did NOT post my unmentionables on NextDoor!!

Please make an effort to invasively spy on your neighbors to make sure they are not involved in laughter or any comedic shenanigans.

ANY JOKES OR GIGGLES WILL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE EXCOMMUNICATION AND CEREMONIAL CATAPULTING FROM THE PREMISES.

Thank you for your cooperation,

MERRY SPRINGINGS

EMERGENCY COMPLAINT:

I, Barbara Wenis, HOA Board President, PERSONALLY witnessed a resident SNEEZED inside of their home. One resident Goddard Godfard of home unit 992. THIS BEHAVIOR WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. Such behavior is anti social and rude and disruptive and disrupts the tranquility and enjoyment of the neighborhood and surrounding premises. Adjacent neighbors are to keep watch of this and report it or otherwise be incinerated into within flaming hell.

GARDENBS:

DO NOT PLANT GARDEN. We are an American soulless bleak suburb and we are to have LAWN ONLY. NO FLOWER.

In keeping with Only Soulless Grass Laws, we also remind that we disallow BEES and BUTTERFLIES, and all LIFE SUSTAINNG INSEXTS.

Anyone caught with flower will be SACRIFICED FOR DECORATIVE NON-FUNCTIONAL CURTAINS.

This concludes a April springum newsletter. Happy flower spring! (REMBER NO FLOUWER ALLOWED)