For years, I have taken your advice. I have beaten your advice over my head repeatedly, trying whole heartedly to apply it so that I can let go of something that is incredibly painful to hold onto. By doing this, I was never able to truly process the situation. I soaked in every single ounce of hurt and betrayal from people who walked all over me. 

This pain and resentment is not yours to carry; it is not yours to simply decide that it has no place to be here. You have absolutely no right to tell me what to do with these unresolved afflictions and how I am choosing to process them moving forward.

Although, I’m sure that it would be easier for you if I did things your way, wouldn’t it? That’s a glaring similarity that you have with each person that hold some sort of responsibility for my trauma at 12 years old. If I just listened to your advice, there would be no trouble, complications, or problems for you or anyone else, would there? I am no longer going to shut my mouth simply because it makes you, or anyone else, feel guilty or uncomfortable. 

You were not there to experience what I did– you haven’t even begun to scratch the surface. Actually, mom, you weren’t really there at all, were you? I spent my teenage years crying most days with cuts on my body and you were clueless as to what was going on in your daughters life. In many ways, you’re not here even now. 

I was filled to the brim with shame, remorse, guilt, “dirtiness”, and brokenness and I felt at my very core that I deserved it. I brushed all of the ugly to the side and I never made a peep. I did what everyone wanted me to do: I obliged submissively and took blame for something that was out of my control from the beginning. I forgave people even when an apology was never given.