the fact that i suck with hindi will be of my biggest heartaches. and it’s not like i was introduced to any crap work, icse introduced to some of the finest pieces of old indian literature. but 14 year old me just wanted to pass the board exam, i still can't write or read in hindi. infact i have to double check if I'm writing my name right.
and it's so devastating because i've always struggled with the very subject i call my mother tongue. perhaps younger me js wanted to edgy, perhaps i wanted to look cool, or perhaps i couldn’t bring myself to care for it when i gave up in 10th grade after years and years of trying.
i still remember how i only failed in one subject and it was hindi. throughout the year, unit exams, tests, pre board — consistent failure. at that time i could only hope of passing, and well i did. with numbers not even I expected.
but alas, now that I am almost 18, viewing my culture as a part of me and not smth "cringe", kurtis don't make me feel like an "aunty" — i carry this deep sense of regret that i lost sm chances to learn such a beautiful language. a language that transcends words and make you feel known, seen, and most importantly understands you so beautifully.
ah, this is probably one of my those moments where I'm momentarily upset, or smth. but seeing all these hindi posts, my inability to read them without stuttering js revived this in me.