#highly personal

But that's the appeal, you know. Connecting to personhood across barriers that most people wouldn't. That it brings new challenges, figuring out erogenous zones and how someone wants to be touched, but those are fun challenges! Fulfilling ones! The best part of the sex! Anyone who's had sex with me IRL knows that I like to dial in on my partners' responses and find new things they didn't know they liked. Human body, non-human body, the only difference is how much trail you get to blaze.

I really think if I hadn't grown up steeped in cultural transphobia and religious shame, I would have figured out that I liked trans people when I was like... 14 at the oldest. And that I was trans myself not too much longer afterwards, even if I wasn't yet equipped to figure out what kind of complicated gender I had going on in here.

In realtà sono solo io mega gelosa e non riesco a mantenere una scopamicizia con lei ma che ci posso fare. É da tre anni che vado avanti con sta tortura.

I mean, I made a post similar to this when I first started SU and what it meant and did to me in my life, but I should start again.

SU really saved me back when I was in high school. Back then, I could not let my emotions out, or even show any hints of them. I was to stay 'perfect' with no drugs and alcohol, good grades, good athletics, kind personality and did as I was supposed to be told. I wasn't supposed to have problems with anything, and if I brought something up that was wrong with me it would be shot back down and told that I had such a good life, that I couldn't possible be miserable. Sure there was bullying, due to the fact that I am on the spectrum, but I am sooo good at masking it and acting normal that that's not a problem. It was far easier just to move me around, change teachers than deal with a problem. I was at my breaking point. I was dealing with severe depression, couldn't let out any emotion (not even in secret), and felt like I was cracking. So much so that my spine tenses up so much I feel like if I stick a knife in it, it would alleviate some pain. Also to this day that's how my body deals with stress. There was also another thousand things wrong like this but are too personal to get into. But then I watched the first 50 episodes of su in one night because I kept seeing it on Tumblr.

That was when it broke me and I was able to cry. it help so much that I was able to let any emotion out was such a relief. Then, around this time, I began talk to an online friend from Europe and I was able to just, talk without consequence. See there was no one in my school I could just talk freely about everything. I had one friend in high school and we never gave any deep personal information to each other. So this was huge for me, being able to talk about things in my life, being asked questions about sensitive things and being able to say what was wrong. And I couldn't have opened up like this with SU.

Fast forward to present. I do have a therapist now which is really handy. But I still have some issues at hand. I find myself yet again at a point where I struggle to lay out my feelings to my friends. I love them all so dearly but I struggle with some things, to the point where I had a breakdown during our final night together in school term before we had to leave due to coronavirus. And then I just watched the ending of SU. the entirety of Steven universe future has shown Steven dealing with problem and emotions the same exact way I did back in highschool, right before I started watching SU. And seeing him explode like that was exactly the way I have been doing. It really hurts.

So here we are again. SU showing reteaching me the same lesson, at nearly the same time of need. It is showing me how I need to let people know about my fears and let them know my troubles that have to do with them. its gonna take a lot of willpower, because I am so scared of the outcome and whether my friends will abandon me, nearly exactly the same as my past trauma. Because honestly, that is my worst fear. And if I let it consume me, I am going to break yet again.

So, anyone who knows me personally in any intimate manner might know that I’ve struggled with my beliefs for a really long time. I was raised super, super Christian, and even though my family was non-denominational, and we didn’t have a lot of religious “rules” like in mainstream Catholicism or anything similar, it was still really oppressive to me. Parts of my mental illnesses were blamed on demons and went untreated, and actually aggravated with the methods used to “help,” namely my OCD. To this day I have ticks that were programmed into my thought patters based in prayers I was taught that became compulsive habits rather than soothing mantras. And since I was very young I’ve been in a really precarious place with my faith.

I wanna say first and foremost, I don’t think Christianity is bad. I DO think the way people carry it out is harmful. But I don’t believe the faith as a whole is bad. I think that any religion practiced by someone for the want of peace and personal fulfillment without harming others is good so long as it makes them happy. I’m only saying that Christianity as I was taught it hurt me, and the people who taught it to me hurt me. And I now have a very uneasy relationship with the faith as a whole.

For probably around ten years or so, I’ve been a very... nihilistic person, not out of choice, but out of a compulsively logical mindset. If I didn’t have proof of it, my brain didn’t wanna believe it. It still doesn’t. I don’t claim to have ever experienced any proof of the supernatural. But I didn’t wanna call myself an atheist. I WANT to believe in something, anything. But any time I try, the logic part of my brain steps in and demands proof. And it’s been slowly killing me for several years, choking off my spirituality and adding to my depression. It didn’t help that, although I was too logical to believe in anything, I still had the fear and guilt that came with believing I was gonna be sent to hell. I had all of the guilt of religion, and none of the personal peace or fulfillment.

I have spent the last few years of my life talking to people of other faiths and lack there ofs-- atheists, agnostics, Lokean, Wiccan, Catholic, Voodoo practitioners, Heathens, Jews, Muslims, Hedonists, Multi-Theists, Hellenists, and a lot more, as well as several variations of Christians. But no matter what I tried, nothing seemed to fit. I couldn’t settle back into Christianity, no matter how much I tried to fit myself into more secular and relaxed sections of the faith, it never felt welcoming or comfortable. I could never get away from the guilt. But I also never felt attached to any other faith I dabbled in, either. Nothing clicked. I felt present and welcomed, but I didn’t feel at home.

I’ve been working in therapy to really explore myself, and doing a lot of self-reflecting. And part of that has been looking back on what I’ve identified with through the years. And something I have always gone back to was Dark Angels and things associated with Death. When I was very little and my Mom would watch Touched by an Angel, I’d ask her about the Angel of Death, and she would explain that he was not a bad person, but that he was someone who would come take us to Heaven when we died. And that stuck with me. I’ve always been drawn to characters who were outcasts, logical thinkers, people who thought of things with raw data and not pre-conceived ideas, and, of course, those associated with Darkness. Duo Maxwell, Treize Khushrenada, Lucemon, Violet Parr, Levi Ackerman, Rorschach, Raven Roth, Laura Kinney, Vaal Hazak, Sephiroth, Howl Jenkins Pendragon, Adrian Tepes, Black Shucks, Damien Bloodmarch... I never could put my finger on what they had in common until now. All of them are outcasts who think differently than society as a whole, many of them with dark or complex morality or emotionally injured themes about them. I have always been drawn to the darkness, even since I was a little kid. And I think, because of the fear I was taught, I denied and lied to myself something that I’m fairly sure I’ve known for years.

After really learning what other beliefs are, that they’re not all goat sacrifice and child rape, and learning the actual principals behind them, I think I might finally be ready to choose a title for myself and my belief set. After years of introspection, and debate, and self-exploration, I, for now, when it is safe to do so, will align myself with  Luciferian Satanism.

I have chosen this faith for many reasons. Lucifer expects nothing from me, not even for me to truly believe in them. Do no harm, and take no shit. This faith allows me to still be a kind human being, but also to not let myself be hurt and abused as I’ve been in the past. It is the first thing to slightly allay my fear of death in years. It recognizes that life is sometimes shit, but that we don’t have to live in existential dread all the time because of it. Sure, this life is piss sometimes-- but what the fuck is sulking about it gonna do? I might not be able to change the world, but I can make a few people feel better for a little while. I don’t need to search for the meaning in life-- it doesn’t matter if life is inherently meaningless, cause I am here, so I’m gonna have fun. And I’m gonna help others have fun, too. I’m gonna be kind to people because it makes me feel better to know I’ve made someone else feel better. Yeah, it’s a selfish motivation, but that’s what all acts are motivated by-- the want to feel better. And that’s very much okay. There’s nothing wrong with helping people because it makes you feel good, knowing that someone else’s day was improved by you. I don’t need an entity threatening me to make me do good things, and I don’t need praise from humans. I can worship myself, I can love and care for myself, and that’s not only okay but expected. Things aren’t good or bad just because society says they are. Things are good or bad because of the effect they put out into the world. It’s okay to be weird as long as you’re not hurting anyone else. I don’t have to always speak as others do or move like they do. It’s okay that I’m on the spectrum. I don’t have to pretend to be normal. Whatever comes for me, I’m gonna embrace it with open arms, and will take control and improve what I can, and ask for help when I need it, because I’m alive and I chose to try and be happy. I don’t need the promise of heaven or any afterlife to make me happy. If one comes, that’s wonderful. I hope I’m surrounded by people I love and who love me.

I’m not going to lie and say Lucemon didn’t have a part in me realizing I’m a Satanist, because they definitely did. I don’t think I would have ever been willing to even truly consider it if not for this angel. But I want to clarify one thing, as some of my friends seem to be a bit confused. I do believe I am kin with Lucemon. I do not believe myself to be kin with Lucifer, Satan, or the Devil. I may have a shard of them in me, but I lay no claim to their power except what I’ve been allotted in this life. I will absolutely claim myself and my power and title as Lucemon, Demon Lord of Pride in the Digital World. But I at no time want to claim to speak for Lucifer or have any right to his power.

On a similar note, I am not in this belief for the power. I don’t expect Satan to bestow me with a silver tongue or armies of demons. I do wish to become stronger in magic and charisma and use of my natural abilities to get what I want, but I intend to work for these things, not have them handed to me. I recognize that I have nothing Lucifer could ever potentially want, except possibly, maybe my understanding. I have nothing I could offer that would be of use to them. So I won’t try to barter for something I know damn well I’m not entitled to. I intend to work, study, practice, listen, and learn to grow my power. Lucifer expects nothing from me, I expect nothing from him. I only wish to devote to them my heart and respect because I feel a kindred spirit within them.

I believe Lucifer to be an enlightener, a symbol of progress, logic, exploration, love of knowledge and acceptance, and seeing things without bias. They may exist as a concept, or as an actual entity, or something in-between, or something totally outside my comprehension. Regardless of the nature of their existence, they bring me peace, and I find speaking of and to them to be soothing and helpful to me. I also do not feel that my devotion to them will interfere with my offerings to other gods. Lucifer is not tyrannical. Lucifer is not Jealous. They want only for me to be kind, and be myself. And that’s all I want.

I’m getting super tired, and I’m really rambling at this point. But I really wanted to state all this somewhere. I’m so grateful to finally begin to have something to take solace in. And I intend to accept this and further growth, regardless of where it takes me, openly and thankfully, as holding back has only hurt me. I intend to further research my stance, and potentially am looking into calling myself a Warlock. I understand that term is typically given to you by others as a derogatory term, and is used for those who have been expelled from their covens. But with that said, I HAVE been ejected from everything I knew before. I’ve thrown much of it out in favor of healthier beliefs and practices, and I seem myself as not fitting in with where I was and as something of an “other.” So I feel this term resonates with me and what I am and want to be.

So, yes. TL;DR: I consider myself a agnostic Luciferian Satanist, and am hoping to study and grow fully into a Warlock. This has given me peace I haven’t had in many years, and I am happier with this than I’ve been with anything else since I was a child.

anyone who was belittling me about my gun-control rant is basically antagonizing someone disabled— it was also a draft i posted accidentally without editing it so..

But what really gets me is how undervalued people are, especially the people who want to work hard but may struggle to do so because of one thing or another--disability, couldn't afford college to become "skilled", etc. And even beyond that, do companies value their average worker so little, do they want to invest so little in their newer workers that they pay as little as they can and don't monitor the working conditions (have y'all ever worked retail in a grocery store? Good God, a bad set of supervisors can make life a living hell)?

The answer is yes, companies relegate human beings to pure numbers. I guess that's "how you run a business" but, how soulless and removed do you have to be to think anything below $13-15/hr is a living wage for the average full time worker in the average American city or town? Very, apparently.

I've seen so many job listings that say Bachelors Degree Required for jobs an intelligent monkey with passable social skills and good work ethic could do, and the pay is $12/hr. Really? Are you kidding me? A degree is worth more than that and so is the person carrying it if they're willing to do the work. And even then, not having a degree doesn't make someone a talentless luddite with no work ethic. There are so many factors to every person and yet, every person is just a number to Big Capitalism and it's disgusting.

I'm learning flood insurance--FEMA and the TN Department of Commerce and Insurance requires I do a webinar to even run and save a quote. That's fine. But something stuck out at me when my boss was being a mercurial fuckwit last week or two weeks ago or whatever--he said when I learn things he doesn't know, then I'll be valuable to him. And while that makes sense from a capitalist standpoint, it also struck me as really fucked up. Like, am I not of value for the work I already do? It's work he's fully admitted he doesn't like doing and can't do much of it even if he wanted--he's asked us CSRs how the process for X or Y goes and we're expected to know, and we *do*. The whole situation leaves me feeling uncomfortable and unsure of my place, as if I might not have it for long because despite having at least basic value, the additional value might not always be enough in the eyes of the man who writes my checks.

We are so brainwashed into thinking our value lies solely in our usefulness to other people. Part of it is likely instinctual, with our brains comparing ourselves to other people so we can evaluate our place in society; and society requires a certain amount of participation if we want to survive. But it's been discovered that even early humans looked after their group's disabled. There was value in helping the species even beyond the base instinct to survive and produce children, and it could be speculated that was because of a value in community and because of our capacity for sympathy and sentiment. That hasn't translated into industry, and industry rules us.

I'm the only full time worker in this office aside from the lead agent. I'm licensed by the state. I make exactly enough to survive and I'm on a very tight budget, and it's definitely not a state of "living." I still can't afford new patient fees for doctors visits that I desperately need, and a visit that's $80 or more even with insurance could send me into the red. I haven't set foot in a movie theater in 2 years and I don't go out for fun. I don't get benefits from this job and out of the 2 paychecks I receive in a month, 1 entire check is for rent because Nashville is bullshit.

I know I'm worthy of better and I'm desperate to prove it, but I'm living at bare minimum because it's what I can afford and I suffer from crippling depression and glaucoma that's slowly eating away at my eyesight. It's all I can do just to get to work and do my best; forget thriving and shining despite adversity. I'm not the person that wants existence to end because it hurts so much and still gets the best grades or work evaluations and pushes through the fire. I'm the person that pushes through the fire and burns until there's nothing left. Though to be fair to me, I've always had stellar work evals. But maybe you get my point. I dropped out of college because I fell into a black hole I almost didn't make it out of, one that took literal years to recover from and I'm lucky to have survived. Maybe I'm stronger than I give myself credit for, but "strong" doesn't give me a raise; surviving being torn down over and over and making up for lost time doesn't look good on a resume.

Am I just whining at this point? Maybe. Maybe I don't deserve to make at least $30k a year with no college degree (I make $27.6k). Maybe I'm really not qualified to do what I'm doing now, but the fact is I'm here doing it and all I can offer is my best, mistakes and victories and all. Frankly, it’s a miracle I’m at where I am, because I’m a no-good college dropout with several mental illnesses and a retail-only job history. Yet I’m also a full time customer service rep and insurance agent with a state license and I bust my ass to be good at my job. So maybe I have potential, I’m just in a rough spot. I don’t know. I just don’t. I’m almost 30 and it’s something I’m still figuring out.

Capitalism sucks because it relegates us to numbers and while numbers are important, they only provide a bare shell of the real picture and what's at stake. It sucks because it tells us that if we can just fill a niche well enough, we can *earn* dignity and respect, as if we haven't already by virtue of being living, breathing creatures with aspirations and feelings. It tells us that if we reach the top of the pyramid, we deserve--more than others--to live in excess while so many go without. And at a high price, it's a lie we buy into because we're born into it and it's all we know.