#highhowareyou

Learning to live without you and ‘with the pain’ is actually the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced in my entire life.

Actually

I miss you every single second of every single day.

I actually don’t know how to say anything other than “I’m okay” when they ask me how I am.

I’m actually fucking lying.

I actually want to say that every fiber in my body still hurts. That it doesn’t hurt any less and I actually ache in ways I didn’t know a soul could ache. That the longing in my bones is heavy and the sighs in my chest come from the deepest pits of despair.

I think it all actually hurts so bad because I love you so much. And I still don’t know how I’m supposed to exist here without you. I wish I could be where you are so bad. I know it doesn’t hurt where you are.

That’s a spiral I must avoid tripping into, the devil calling me down when I’m weak.

But baby, I am weak right now. I am weak and i am trying my fucking best to hang on.

And I know I must make something grand of myself, I just don’t know how. I try to use this as fuel but I’m drowning in gasoline.

And when I say noise I mean the way my name sounds coming out of your mouth When I say noise I mean the way your hips move When I say noise I mean the confusion you’ve woven into my sleeves This is a noise free zone and you’re polluting it.

It’s fun watching people say that tumblr is “back”. My relationship with this website is so weird, poems and art and all my internal thoughts. (Kinda like that??) gonna keep that.

Late nights 🤝🏼 posting my mess on here.

What if I’m the toxic one?

What if you’re attempt at highlighting all my good qualities are really just unmasking the truth...that I made up my good qualities. Because I wanted them. Not because they were true to me. Because ~trauma~ gave me all this.

And now I’m unlearning

And I’m unraveling

And you’re hoping I run right into you

Truth is,