#high mindset

i wish i was taller. i wish i was a bit tanner. i wish i could have 1,000 more wishes. i wish i would’ve moved to Hawaii instead of California. i wish i could see my family in Hawaii. i wish i wouldn’t have lied so much when i was younger. i wish i knew who i was at a younger age. i wish i wasn’t so confused as to whether i should kill myself or not was at 13. i wish i wasn’t such a selfish brat when i was younger, and i wouldn’t have blamed my sister on a lot of things i got into trouble for. i wish i would’ve loved my sister a little bit more than i did. i wish i knew more about her life. or anybody else in my family. i wish i knew more than 2 other birthdays in my entire family. and one is only because it’s the day after Christmas. i wish i could’ve been a better son. i wish that on December 13th, 2004 Anthony wouldn’t have asked me to build a fort with him out of a run-down building.  i wish that he would’ve known that when you mix an axe bottle and a lighter it makes a torch, and when you mix that with an entire 2 story wood ex-stripclub it would burn down the entire building. i wish that it wouldn’t have been on the news and i didn’t have to go to the police station and i didn’t lie to my dad. i wish the 2 others involved wouldn’t have framed me, and i could have gotten a minimum of 6 years if the owner would have chosen to press charges. i wish… i just wish.. that people would try to dig a little bit further into my eyes and see my for who i am at heart, and that i really do get hurt by words.. despite the act or “front” that i put up. i wish that it didn’t take me so long to pretend to be wise before i actually learned the craft. i wish you were here. i wish my friends in vegas could actually treat me like a friend for life as opposed to just a friend until it’s distance.. then it’s too far for you to talk. i wish i was more confident, and that a lot of girls in the past wouldn’t have made me feel that way. i wish i could get my mom the maserati she wants, and my dad his country side house in Hawaii, and my grandpa’s restaurant for him.. i wish violence wasn’t so accepted in the hawaiian culture, yet im very thankful for it. i just wish it wouldn’t have done anything for my dad. i wish my dad had a better relationship with his dad, Donny, and i had a better relationship with my dad. i wish my dad’s dad didn’t die from alcohol poisoning. i wish my dad didn’t have to be the one who found him after 7 days decayed, and i wish he didn’t try killing himself to be closer to him. i wish my dad had a better life, and that he wouldn’t be so on edge about everybody because everybody in his life has fucked him over. i wish … i just wish the best for him. i wish that he didn’t find out about me drinking on prom night and he didn’t flip out on me, and tell me to take out the bullet from the gun range we just shot at. and i wish that he didn’t tell me if i ever get hurt from alcohol he would take that bullet and shoot it through his skull. i wish i could just go to the beach all day every day in Hawaii like we used to, when he was happy and surrounded by his family. i wish that this didn’t feel like i just wrote a 45 minute wish list and it wasn’t so weird haha. oh well. YEEEAUUUP.