LETS MAKE SOME FUCKING DELICIOUS HEALTH FOOD
Some of you fuckers that follow me over on other websites may have heard that I have lost over 50 fucking pounds in going on 6 months now and i'm honestly shocked by how easy its fuckin' been now that I'm ignoring bullshit media and diet culture!
Also I just wanna say to all my fat kings and queens out there, yall fucking hot as shit and this was a decision I made for me, but I fully support you motherfuckers to love yourself at any and all sizes and I fucking love you too.
Now, what the fuck is this shit up here? A fucking Spinach tortilla? Fruit? Sugar free jello pudding? What the goddamn FUCK Basilisk!
Okay, calm down there buddy. hear me out. The spinach tortilla is the weird one, right? Well it has a light enough flavor to be overshadowed by the rest of the flavors, all this goddamn tortilla is here to deliver 18 fucking grams of FIBER directly into the glorious fucking body, ya dig?
No joke though! This is one of my favorite go to recipes, its quick as fuck and absolutely delicious jammed full of good shit at only 238 Calories!
Lets talk fucking Macros!
5.3 grams of fat (I usually get my fats elsewhere, if you want more fucking fat in this bitch than dice up some fatty delicious fuckin coconut in it or some shit)
44.3 g of carbs (including 19.3g of goddamn fiber!)
Now lets talk some goddamn micros
All kinds of other vitamins and minerals that they annoyingly don't let you track easily!
Now what the fuck is in this thing? Recipes? How do you FUCKING make it? Here we go, and just a warning ALL of this shit is measured with love, i weigh it all to track my shit but i do it in the moment and every time i make it, its a lil different!
Step ONE: Ya start off with your Nonfat/Lowfat greek yogurt (or full fat if you want more of that delicious delicious fat im not your goddamn mom). Just slap as much as you want in a bowl. Like 125-175g is good usually for me!
Step TWO: Measure out like idk 3-7 grams of chia seeds (CHIA SEEDS ARE FUCKING AMAZING GET THEM!) and toss that shit in the bowl.
Step THREE: Toss in some sugar free pudding powder, I use chocolate cause it what i can get regularly, but fuck do whatever you want! Vanilla? Banana? Pistachio? Fuck yeah! (Holy shit now im wondering about using Jell-o gelatin to get some like berry flavors... Idk how that'd work but im thinkin bout it now?!!) anyway you want probably 5-12grams of that shit (depends on how much yogurt you used! it will stiffen up your yogurt a TON, so idk if it gets TOO stiff, just add a lil more Yogurt, ya dig?)
Step FOUR (Optional): Throw in a lil protein powder, I used chocolate for my chocolate but fuckin get wild in there and experiment if you want! You only want like 3-6 grams of this in there! This just adds some extra protein and shit so this is still good af if you don't have any or don't wanna add it! (Also you can just do like ALL flavored Protein powder and none of the sugar free pudding mix if you want LOTS of that tasty tasty fuckin protein, we all just making shit up here as we go along)
Step FIVE (Optional): Use your no calorie sweetener of choice, just a lil bit (one packet or whatever) I use fucking Splenda because I WORSHIP AT HE ALTAR OF MY CHEMICAL GODS. But you can use like... monkfruit? or whatever the kids are using these days.
Step SIX: Mix that shit up with a spoon real quick. Fair warning that I totally and COMPLETELY do not give because of experience. You are mixing a lot of powders in there and start off as GINGER AS FUCK or you are gonna get some choclate fucking powder POOFED on your goddamn shirt or in your wookiee like chest hair or all over your tits, or all over your hairy fucking tits maybe idk, but if thats you I see you and goddamn love you. WARNED.
Step SEVEN: Warm up a skillet and start heating your Low Calorie High Fiber Tortilla (in my case, a Carb Balance Spinach Tortilla by Mission), low heat, you want it warm and supple so you can Taco that bitch and shove all the goodies in your face!
Step EIGHT: While you are warming up the skillet start throwing fruit together, I usually do about 120-140 grams of fruit, make it 3-4 different kinds if you can, get a nice spread of nutrients and vitamins and shit. Lately ive been doing strawberries, tangerines, grapes (both green and red). Banana, Cherry and/or Apple are both great too! USE WHAT YOU GOT!
STEP NINE: ITS TIME TO FUCKING GOOOO! That Tortilla is HOT, the fruit is fucking ready and delicious, that chocolaty yogurt full of NUTRITION-FUCKING-DENSE chia seeds is tantalizing. Slap that yogurt mixture on the goddamn tortilla! Slap the fruit on top (FUCKING lick all the tasty chocolate-yogurt mixture off that spoon, don't let that shit go to WASTE)
THEN YOU FUCKING ROLL THAT SHIT UP like a Taco! (Unless you are lucky enough to find larger tortillas that fit your needs, I can only find these pathetic lil "soft taco" sized like 8 inchers! and shove it in your hungry goddamn hole and just fucking love this FUCKING FILLING and delicious sweet treat at under 250 Cals.
Sometimes I mix some zero sugar whipped topping in with the yogurt, or just top it with it.
When you Want a LOT OF FUCKING YOGURT AND FRUIT, I have grilled the tortilla to a more crisp and crunchy demeanor and made that shit a goddamn chocolate and fruit tostada (topped with whipped topping of course!)
