#hex haltmann

Effi: Don't worry, I know exactly what I'm doing. Everything is going to be fine.

DMK: How can you still say that?

Effi: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.

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Past Mario, playing with a random band name generator: Oooo! They Might Be Depressed Horses! That about sums up my friend group.

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Effi: Who's in charge here?

Abyssal: Usually whoever yells the loudest.

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Past SMG3: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

Hex: An optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.

Tyde: A realist sees a freight train.

Zoey: A train driver sees a bunch of idiots standing on the track.

---

Hooty, as the snakes finally manage to lose him: Goodbye! Hope you had fun! We'll see each other again in your nightmares!

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Mario: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes... or 4000 degrees for 1 minute!

Luigi: No, that's not how you make cookies.

Past Mario: How about 4000000 degrees for one second!?

Luigi: You'RE GONNA BURN DOWN THE TIME ROOM-

Future Mario: WE'RE GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!!!!

Elanore: DO IT!

Luigi: NO-

---

Juliano: Wow, great work on the Halloween decorations. Where did you get the fake skeletons?

Abby: Fake?

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Past SMG3: Can you be quiet? I'm trying to think!

Present SMG3: Don't worry, doing anything for the first time is hard.

---

Abyssal, working with the past crew: So did everyone learn their lesson?

Meggy: No.

SMG4: I did not.

Mario: I may have actually forgotten one.

SMG3: Also no.

Boopkins: Oh, good, it wasn't just me.

Abyssal: *sighs*

---

(look, she's overdue a kidnapping and rescue)

Peach: You really put everything aside and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?

Barney: Several traffic violations.

Spudnick: Three counts of resisting arrest.

Bob: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.

Duck: Also, that's not our car.

---

Future Tari: You bought a taco?

Future Lily: Yes.

F.Tari: From the same truck that hit Past 3!?

F.Lily, with a mouth full of taco: Well, me starving ain't gonna help him.

---

Past Mario: In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

Luigi: Wasn't Meggy with you?

Past Meggy: In my defense, I was also left unsupervised.

(reminder that Meggy only started being an occasional voice of reason due to character development)

---

Vee: We need to get through this locked door. Past 3, give me your credit card.

Past 3: Here.

Deciding that maybe they should be more careful, this time it's the present group and past group who decide to go through.

Mayro (Present Mario) is actually getting along decently well with Mario (Past Mario). Glitchy (Present SMG4) and Snitchy (Present SMG3) have already had to stop SMG4 (Past SMG4) and SMG3 (Past SMG3) from having fights about six times now. After briefing the past group on that they really, REALLY need to be careful with what they say and do even if they're in a different timeline. They do not want to get imprisoned.

Anyway, they go through and crash right down into the middle of a party happening in a very familiar (to the present group) manor.

And a very familiar avatar, with her usually straight hair now curly and covering one eye and a red dress with floral patterns. A single blue eye glaring down at them with contempt.

So yeah, their first impression of this world is getting thrown into jail since Tulip is currently running for the position of the now vacant Red Minister spot. Yup, they're in the evil Tulip timeline. It doesn't take the present gang a lot to realize what happened, even the kids can realize that this is the version of Tulip that never got Dale's guidance, and they therefore decide never to mention this to her.

Eventually, they are released from the prison after a few hours, because Tulip 'decided that they were just idiots who had a bad stroke of luck'. But they are warned not to anger her any further, as lately she's become extremely obsessed with things regarding time and other such things. It takes no genius to figure out what's going on, and it's surprisingly Mario (past) who connects the dots.

---

"You-a said that this crazy-a lady is dating John Persona?"

SMG4 pinched the bridge of his nose. "Ren Amamiya, Mario. Ren Amamiya. Get it through your thick skull."

Glitchy resisted the urge to roll his eyes at his past self. "Yes, Mario. John Persona."

Mario tilted his head. "Then won't-a he be a part-a this timeline in a major way?"

Everyone shared a look.

"... he's kinda got a point there."

---

They do manage to find Leblanc and after giving the poor Thieves the scare of a lifetime (thanks to SMG3 just being blunt as hell and also trying to threaten them, which doesn't go well as he gets smacked by Abyssal) before they explain what's going on. And then they get the explanation they were waiting for.

The Tulip of this timeline was actually a friend of theirs and wasn't really looking forward to going into politics. However.. that all completely shattered when her version of Dale was murdered. To this day the Thieves don't know if it was the Black Mask or someone sent by her parents. Regardless she was absolutely SHATTERED by what happened, and it absolutely didn't help when a woman named Goma Adachi appeared following the deaths of her parents and Archie. Suffice to say that Tulip was shattered in this timeline, and following an accident with a machine that's left her blind in one eye, she has gradually been turning from the fun and upbeat girl they knew to someone far crueler.

With what's already happened, it does not take the others long to figure out that this Goma Adachi is probably someone working for the Abyss.. and then Abyssal realizes it's prrrrobably Admin Gohma.

The Thieves tell the group that Tulip has become especially obsessed with time and other things, and Elanore reasons that it's likely the Hourglass piece that's changed her, and its gone and made itself her Treasure. Luckily for them, the Thieves are more than willing to help out as they've already pretty much mapped out the way to Tulip's Treasure, and they were making the calling card then. It's made, and Abyssal offers to go and deliver it, which they take because everyone knows that they'd be caught pretty easily, especially Morgana.

---

"..what?"

Tulip halted when she spotted a simple red card on her bed. She whipped her head side to side, eye narrowing.

".. no. This is some... terrible joke."

She slowly approached it, and grabbed it. Her breath caught, eyes widening.

Madame Tulip, the grief-stricken sinner of cruelty.

Once a girl who cherished others, you now trample hearts beneath the weight of your own despair, lashing out at the world that wronged you.

Blinded by loss and consumed by bitterness, you’ve allowed your pain to twist into something far more dangerous. We have decided to make you confront the truth you’ve been running from.

Come tomorrow, we will take your distorted desires without fail.

From, the Phantom Thieves

Tulip's breathing began to come in panicked hitches. "Take.. take MY desires?! No.. NO! This is a pathetic- stupid- NO!"

She threw the calling card to the wall. "I won't let them.. I won't! I don't care! No one will take it! No one will take time from me ever again!!"

---

The past and present groups join the Phantom Thieves to Tulip's Palace.. and to say that the fight for the Treasure is rough is an UNDERSTATMENT. Goma Adachi is there, and of course comes the reveal that she is Admin Gohma and the fact that she was not only behind the deaths of Dale, Tulip's parents, and Archie, but she also orchestrated the entire machine incident that blinded her.

This sends Tulip's Shadow into a complete meltdown and transforms into a large machine/coyote hybrid. The Palace itself starts changing, and Admin Gohma admits she may have taken some artistic liberties when messing things up. SMG3 says he's gonna kill her because ts is annoying. Snitchy agrees for once. And it turns out she also took artistic liberties with Shadow Tulip herself, making the boss fight way harder than it should be.

They only manage to get through to the Shadow when Joker appeals to her memory of Uncle Dale specifically, calming the Shadow down enough for the past and present groups to realize that the Treasure is literally embedded into Shadow Tulip, the Treasure is the Hourglass Piece, and there's the very real threat of her having a mental shutdown.

The Thieves are obviously reluctant to do so but also know that they need to, because if they leave the Treasure in her Shadow shes just going to get worse. And unfortunately, Abyssal can't help them out here either with godly shenanigans because shes currently fighting Admin Gohma still.

Finally, its Hex who just goes "this IS still a comedic universe. What if we just... ASK HER to take it off?"

No one thinks it'll work.

It does. Rule of Funny, losers. This is still SMG4 guys.

Of course, the Palace begins to crumble, and they all get out of there. In the real world, Tulip is passed out and does need to be hospitalized due to the Piece hurting her Shadow immensely when it was removed. Admin Gohma, of course, flees. Glitchy hopes this won't become a recurring theme. Snitchy tells him to not be stupid. The others return with the next Piece, but Abyssal notices something.. off.

There's an eighth door. She tries pushing it open, but it's just.. not moving. Not even a budge. What makes it especially concerning, though she doesn't bring it up immediately, is that she can faintly tell what's behind that door.

The Abyss.

Bob: It's just you.

---

Ranma: When it comes to disguises, subtlety is key.

Daffy: You were dressed like a cowgirl.

---

Bob: I would never forget if I owed somebody money.

SMG4: Well that's interesting because you've owed me $300 for two years.

Bob: And I think about that every day.

---

SMG4: *locks his car while Mario's still inside* Act like a child, get treated like a child.

Mario: Isn't it illegal to leave a child locked in the car?

---

Sora: I'm a teenager, not a therapist, okay?

---

Karen: My relationship with Mario is always either "I'll help you hide the body" or "Don't even breathe in my direction." There is no in-between.

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Mr. WPNZ: Apparently "Spite" is not an appropriate answer to "what motivates you?"

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Hex: Does anyone else have a bad feeling about this?

Floyd: I do. But that doesn't say much because I have a bad feeling about everything.

---

SMG4: I truly believe water can solve all problems!

4: Weight loss? Drink water.

4: Clear skin? Drink water.

4: Tired of someone? Drown them.

---

Tari: There are many ways to resolve a conflict.

Elanore: Fire.

Bob: Gun.

SMG3: Blackmail.

Tari: Why do I even bother...

---

Plurality: Did Elanore just tell me she loved me for the first time?

Lily: Yes she did.

Plurality: And did I do finger guns back?

Lily: Yes you did.

Sage: If it's any consolation, she appeared pleased with that result.

---

Mario: Remember when you dared me to lick this swing set?

Luigi: No, I said "Bro, don't lick the swing set" and you said "don't tell me what to do" and then you licked the swing set.

Luigi: We weren't even meme'd at the time.

---

Tari: I never yell. Even when I'm mad, I just push it down really deep, and then sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and panicked and sweaty for no reason.

---

Stockman: Lumi, you should know better than that. At any given moment I never have fewer than seven ulterior motives at play.

---

Dead-Eye Meggy, about her Rabbid gang: I taught 'em everything I know!

Mario: That would explain a lot.

---

(During the adaptation of TCS2)

Ambrosia: Oh, we're so fucked. They just integrated a ticking clock into the background music.

---

Argit: How long would you keep talking if no one stopped you?

Pikachu: Many before you have tried to find out.

---

Archie: Dad, what are you doing!?

Andrew as Mayhem: *stops and looks down at all the nails he's pounded haphazardly into the coffee table*

Mayhem: *looks up at Archie* Is that some kind of trick question or what?

---

Lori: You're stupid.

Zant: ...That's it?

Lori: Give it a while. It will eat at you.

(later...)

Zant: Master, am I stupid?

Ganon: Eh, a little.

Zant: Damn her.

---

Luigi: When I say no worries, I actually mean no worries for you, because they're all mine now. I have anxiety. I have all the worries. I'm stealing yours. None for you. If you wanted them, then too bad.

---

(The kids are having some sort of competition in gym class because Desti has learned nothing)

Ted: *throws over a white cloth* You might want to borrow this.

Elanore: Ew, no one wants your dirty underwear.

Ted: It's not underwear! It's a white flag, and you may as well start waving it now.

Hex, of all people: THE ONLY THING I WILL BE WAVING IS YOUR DECAPITATED HEAD ON A STICK IN FRONT OF YOUR WEEPING MOTHER!

*everyone stares at her in silence for a long few moments*

Ted: ...Good lord.

---

Dapple: "Fate" is just what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over.

---

(that deadline's coming up real fast ain't it?)

Ping: So...how's it going, boss?

Cursor: Fine! Totally fine! Why do you ask?

Ping: Well, it's been about six hours since you started stress-cleaning all the appliances in the break room...

Cursor: This isn't stress cleaning! I just enjoy things I can control! Like having a completely...spotless...dishwasher!

Ping: ...So, can I put my mug in there soon, or-

Cursor: KEEP YOUR FILTH AWAY FROM MY DISH TEMPLE!

---

Laharl soon after meeting the other Avatars: Just so you know, if we've ever had a positive interaction, you can summon me for boss fights.

---

Shroomy: The path to inner peace begins with four words.

Saiko: "Not my fucking problem?"

Shroomy: No.

---

Francis: I'm also a scientist, so I'll be helping with the device.

Gabriel Estrella: Oh, a scientist? What kind?

Francis: ...I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Gabriel: What's your field of study?

Francis: Science.

---

Rahzar, clearly getting way too into the whole zombie magma werecoyote thing: Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

SMG3: Depersonalization

Marcy: Locking in

Toad: Thursday

---

Irene: I come from a long line of people who should not have had children but did anyway.

---

Tulip, about Ren: I think I want to wake up next to him for the rest of my life.

Alice: He gets up at 5AM and you barely sleep at all.

Tulip:

Tulip: ...I want to see him at some point during the day for the rest of my life.

---

Vee: I love the phrase "with all due respect" because it doesn't specify how much respect is due. Could be none. Bitch.

---

Mario: Oh, sure, blame the guy who's a huge idiot who causes a lot of problems again!

---

Abyss to Juliano: Dude, I know it's my fault, but can you stop being consumed by the darkness for five seconds and help us deal with the situation at hand?

---

Staccato: *internally* Ohh, it's gonna suck when they finally realize I'm irredeemable.

Roll, the one person who knows everything she's done in horrifying detail: *internally* I love my awesome friend <3

---

Bob: Mario has been kissed by at least two canonically transgender women. I have to surpass him.

---

Juliano: The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

---

Rodney: It's shit being a superhero when you know the multiverse exists. You spend all day saving people, you're tired, you want to go to bed, and right before you fall asleep someone says "the High Evolutionary is going to turn everyone into a werewolf!"

Rodney: And every bone in your body says “Fucking. Maybe we can be the werewolf dimension. The Universe Where Everyone Is A Werewolf. There are infinite dimensions where everyone isn’t a werewolf. It could be fine. It could be good even.”

Rodney: And you fight the High Evolutionary and you win and your world isn't the Werewolf Dimension. But the thought was there.

Rodney: God the thought was there.

---

Tulip: Few understand the importance of having a sickass jacket that everyone remembers you by.

---

Irene: SMG3 diagnosed me with divine madness.

Timmy: Any other diagnoses you'd like to share?

Irene: Autism.

---

Reboot Saiko: Why does that clown who's obsessed with turning everyone into emotionless husks call you babygirl?

Luthor: How about we stop talking for a while.

---

Desti: *shoots up in bed* SHIT I'M LATE FOR SCHOOL- Oh wait I'm an adult. *lays back down*

Desti: *jumps completely out of bed a minute later* I'M THE TEACHER!!!

---

SMG4: What if mayo came in cans?

Lil Coding: That would suck because you can't microwave metal.

Lily: Good morning to everyone except you two...

---

Root: Could you at least try to see this from my perspective?

Lily: *crouches down*

Hex: *kneels down*

Welony: *sits down*

Floyd: *phases halfway through the floor*

Root: ...

Root: I hate all of you.

---

Cole: Would you slap you best friend for 100 dollars?

Arle: I'd slap Sora for free.

The gang's all here!

Juliano: *indifferently performing elaborate yo-yo tricks*

SMG4 Voiceover: But the Yo-yo Master did not answer; he just kept on yo-ing!

-----

Tari: Please tell me I didn't actually declare myself the queen of ducks last night.

Clench: I would, but then I'd be lying to the queen of all ducks.

-----

Mario to Mr. Puzzles: Why do you have to have a head?

-----

Mario: So... how good of a mood are you in right now?

SMG4: What did you do?

-----

Bowser Jr, peeking around a corner: I need a water balloon.

Hex: We've only got one left.

BJ: What happened to all the other ones we had?

Hex: I saw some dry seedlings, and they needed a drink.

-----

Plurality: This library book was due two days ago! What will they do? Are they going to interrogate me and beat me up? Are they going to break my knees? Will I have to sign some confessions?

Database: They'll fine you two bucks. Now go return it.

Plurality, opening up a portal: The way some of those librarians look at you, I naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire.

-----

Mario: Well Toad, what are friends for?

Toad: Friends? If pressed, I'd say you and I coexist.

-----

Vee: You're like, the coolest person I've ever met and you don't even have to try.

Desti: I try really hard, actually.

-----

Cursor: My neutral expression makes me look like I'm in a bad mood, which is good because it's usually true.

-----

Franky, running around frantically: It's July already! Oh no, oh no!

Franky: What happened to June?! Summer vacation is slipping through our fingers like grains of sand!

Franky: It's going too fast! We've got to hoard our freedom and have more fun! Time rushes on! Help! Help!

Desmond, watching him: ...I don't think I want to be here at the end of August.

Now that it's been a while since "It's Gotta Be Perfect," SMG4's once again feeling comfortable with the idea of being more ambitious with his videos. Thankfully he has learned his lesson and won't be striving for perfection, and he also won't be trying to go it alone. Instead, he's taking inspiration from the man he was designed as a self-insert of and putting together a production crew (of actual employees, not enslaved Toads. That's another low point he doesn't want to go back to.

Next up on the applicant list is Baljeet, for some reason, who's been asked to put together a meme compilation as a test of his editing skills.

"Alright kid, show me what you got."

"Of course," he moves to hit the play button, but pauses to add, "I should warn you, however, that it is a bit... strange, at certain points." He hits the button before 4 can ask what he means.

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FM: *gestures incredulously at a car* Who parked their car...

*the view shifts slightly to reveal a jpeg of a BLT under one of the tires*

FM: On my sandwich!?

Steve: I did!

FM: *gets so angry he explodes into a coin*

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*MarioMario54321 and Tari face each other on a version of final destination, with MM wearing a Duel Disk and Clench transformed to fulfil the functions of one*

MM: You ready?

Tari: *grins* Born ready.

MM: Well then... *starts using the Yu-Gi-Oh! intro Yami voiceclip* It's Time to D-D, DD-D-DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD *D-ing continues as he starts spazzing out*

Tari:

Clench: 'da fuk?

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Elanore: *runs around in an office building, throwing raisins around like confetti* RAISINS! RAISINS! THEY USED TO BE GRAPES!

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Meggy: *wandering through what's clearly a Zelda dungeon for some reason*

Random Evil Wizard Dude: *appears from the shadows, pointing menacingly with a staff* Stop right where you are, Maddy.

Meggy: *gasps* How did you almost know my name?

Wizard Dude: I have approximate knowledge of many things.

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Desmond: *sitting on a bench, minding his own business*

Franky: *rises up behind him* I can smell you.

Desmond: *jumps up in shock while yelling in Homer Simpson's voice*

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MM: DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

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Perry: *assumes a fighting stance in the middle of a warehouse while Doof does an evil laugh off-screen*

Doof: You are too late, Perry the Platypus! I am now... *drives on-screen in a forklift* FORKLIFT CERTIFIED!

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*this would work better in a visual format, just picture Paige doing the same actions as the music video while Crabcake keeps showing up in the areas they point out in funny poses*

Paige: Now everything smells like salmon!

My shirts!

My couch!

My sheets!

If I had a couple more square feet,

I imagine this would not happen!

Everything smells like salmon!

Straight-up salmon.

Smell it from the bed to the door,

when you're living in a space that's not much more than a cabin,

well sometimes this happens

Everything smells like salmon.

FUCK IT UP ANDI!

Andi: *epic keyboard solo*

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Avatar Kirby: *reenacting Speed of Kirb...through the Showgrounds, while the SMGs watch him through the coffee shop's window with resigned annoyance*

SMG3: I'm not helping him if he pisses off Marty.

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*back at the Yu-Gi-Oh! duel, Tari and Clench have resorted to playing against each-other while they wait for MM to hopefully pull himself together*

Clench: ...Well this sucks.

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*The Abyss and Juliano are in the middle of a fancy restaurant...for some reason*

The Abyss: I poisoned one of our glasses, but I can't remember which.

Juliano: The way this dinner is going I hope it's mine.

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Mario: Fuck you, Baltimore!

Bob: If you're dumb enough to buy a new car this weekend,

Mario: You're a big enough schmuck to come to Big Bill Hells Cars!

Bob: Bad deals!

Mario: Cars that break down!

Bob: Thieves!

Mario: If you think you're gonna find a bargain at Big Bill's,

Bob: You can kiss my ass!

Mario: It's our belief that you're such a stupid motherfucker-

Bob: You'll fall for this bullshit!

Mario: Guaranteed!

Bob: If you find a better deal,

Mario: Shove it up your ugly ass!

Bob: You heard us right!

Mario: Shove it up your ugly ass.

Bob: Bring your trade!

Mario: Bring your title!

Bob: Bring your wife!

Mario: We'll fuck her!

Bob: That's right! We'll fuck your wife!

Mario: Because at Big Bill Hells,

Bob: You're fucked six ways from Sunday!

Mario: Take a hike!

Bob: To Big Bill Hells!

Mario: Home of Challenge Pissing!

Bob: That's right!

Mario: CHALLENGE PISSING!

Bob: How does it work?

Mario: If you can piss six feet in the air straight up-

Bob: -and not get wet-

Mario: You get no down payment!

Bob: Don't wait! Don't delay,

Mario: Don't fuck with us, or we'll rip your nuts off!

Bob: Only at Big Bill Hells!

Mario: The only dealer that tells you to FUCK OFF!

Bob: Hurry up, asshole!

Mario: This event ends the minute after you write us a check!

Bob: And it better not bounce or you're a dead motherfucker!

Mario: Go to hell!

Bob: Big Bill Hells Cars!

Mario: Baltimore's filthiest,

Bob: And exclusive home to the meanest sons of bitches in the state of Maryland!

Mario: Guaranteed!

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*several robed figures stand in a circle around a chained up Teletubby*

Robed figures: Chanting in unison, chanting in unison, chanting in unison... (yes, they are actually chanting the words "chanting in unison" in unison. it's even an actual voice clip from the Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius.)

Luigi: *opens a door to whatever room these guys are in, sees what's happening, and swiftly backs out the way he came*

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Hex: *dancing to Buck Bumble's theme music*

fucking Jerry the Goomba kid: Buck Bumble sucks, ya dumbass!

Hex: *the music stops with a record scratch and she slowly turns her head to look at him with a vacant expression*

A Few Seconds Later

Hex: *back to dancing, now with Jerry's burning corpse off to the side*

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MM: DDDDDD-DUEL! *finally done, he looks up to see that Tari got tired of waiting and left* Ah, crap.

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"...The hell was that?"

"That is what I said! Oh sure, give all the weird stuff to Baljeet! It definitely will not make no sense without context! I do not think some of them are even from our universe, and I am not sure how that is even possible!"

"Well...it's at least well-edited? Might work as part of a "Ssenmodnar" video or something, we haven't had one of those in a while. I'll, uh, I'll get back to you later, alright?"