#here's why

Driven by instinct alone, he veered onto the path that led between all the dull suburban homes and hoped his parents weren't trying to follow him. They would never go so far as to run after him, they'd never cause such a scene, but he wouldn't put it past them to patrol in their car around the neighbourhood he was running to. His head start would only get him so far, especially when he hadn't stopped to tie his shoes.

Dom felt the jerk on his foot too late. Laces trapped under his other foot, he went sprawling across the trail. He barely caught himself on bony palms and joints, managed to only graze his chin, teeth clacking, instead of his face. It forced up a sound he choked down, desperate to keep it inside until he could get to Keziah. Panting, he scrambled to his feet, shoved the laces down beside his ankles, and stumbled back into a run.

By the time he got to their neighbourhood his chest was burning. Every breath left his throat raw. His legs and feet ached. To run the whole way was stupid but he couldn't fucking slow down.

Before he broke out into the main street, Dom stalled in the gloom between houses. The yellow streetlights had flickered on moments ago, pools of buzzing light drawing moths to the quiet road. He could feel that awful buzzing under his skin. A car going by made him flinch, but, thankfully, it wasn't his parents’ sedan. Nothing else drove by, so he made one last mad dash.

The familiar houses were a blur. None of them even registered until he spotted the one he needed to see. He ran faster, nearly losing a shoe when he thundered up to the door, knocking rapidly before he let himself in with the key he'd been given.

Ma de Leon's confused voice could be heard from the living room. “Dominik? What's wrong?”

But Dom didn't answer, just kicked off his stupid fucking shoes gasped out, “Ziah?”

“In their room, sweetie, but what—hold on, what happened to your hands?”

Again he didn't answer. He was too focused, too panicked. He took the stairs two at a time and let his sore feet automatically carry him to the right door, cracked open enough for faint music to filter through.

Kez sat up in zir bed, already in pajamas and a bonnet, setting zir magazine aside and frowning as soon as ze saw him in the doorway. “Dom? Wh—whoa–!”

His legs nearly gave out from relief, but he cut them off by all but tackling them. As soon as Dom felt Ziah's arms around him, as soon as he could curl up into their body and tangle himself around the one person he loved and could trust, the unbearable, horrid weight in his chest finally cracked him open.

“Ziah,” he croaked, and that was it. The tears spilled over, his chest hitched and shuddered, and the sobs he'd locked away ripped out of his rough throat. Dom dug his fingers into Kez and clung so hard it must have hurt, but ve just held him tighter and pressed vir head into his. Fuck, he hated this. Hated all of it. Despised forcing Kez to hold his jagged edges together like this. But he didn't have anywhere else to go, and that voice was rising to the surface, and nothing felt right or safe until he got here. He needed Ziah too much to have done anything else.

Ze held Dom through all the shaking and sobbing and hiccups. He had no clue how long they stayed like this, wrapped up like they were one being, trying to be the thing humans were before Zeus split them in two. At one point Ma de Leon checked in and Dom heard a half-whispered what happened, and felt Kez shrug and shake their head. Later, the phone rang downstairs, but Kez ignored it, and Señor de Leon’s indecipherable voice echoed up the stairwell.

This whole thing was so stupid. He felt guilty for barging in on Kez’s night like this. Making such a big fucking deal out of something he’d known forever. It shouldn’t feel like he’d been slapped in the face by a bus, but his parents never seemed to run out of ways to rip his heart out and make it feel like it was his fault they crushed it in their hands.

When Dom finally wore himself out—sobs reduced to loud, wet sniffles—Ziah let out a long breath and kissed the top of his head. Their grip on his relaxed enough to start rubbing up and down his back. A shuddering sigh, and Dom went limp against them.

Quietly, his voice hoarse, he said, “Got snot on your shirt.” He felt Kez’s tiny laugh.

“Yeah, I can feel it,” ze said. “S’okay, though.” Neither of them spoke again for a few moments. Dom focused on breathing without his chest hitching, mostly failing. Now he could actually feel the places he’d scraped raw when he fell as his hands, arms, and knees throbbed. Kez just kept running their hands along his back. But then he felt Kez inhale like ze was going to say something, pause, and then do it again. He braced for it.

“What happened, Nikki?”

Dom grit his teeth, screwed his eyes shut against a fresh wave of tears and tightness under his ribs. “My parents happened, what else,” he forced out through the painful lump in his throat.

“I thought they were leaving you alone?”

Swallowing the tension down, he scoffed bitterly. “Nope. Turns out Aunt Linda was keeping them updated on every-fucking-thing I did all summer. I knew it, kinda, but…”

“What a bitch,” Kez spat.

He laughed hollowly. “Uh-huh. The haircut was the final straw.” Kez ran a soothing hand through his thick, dark hair, which they’d cut short a few days ago and their Mama had fixed up after. “She’d told them about it when I went to school yesterday and they ambushed me when I got back today. Said I should’ve gotten over this phase already, they’d been forgiving about the ‘boy’s clothes’ even if it was embarrassing for them, but this was ‘one step too far,’” Dom mocked with a sneer, but the disgust and anger fled quickly, leaving him feeling… empty. “They just fucking… screamed at me about how I should get my head on straight already. I–I yelled back but they wouldn’t fucking listen.”

Kez’s hands paused as he spoke, nails digging in for a second when he’d mentioned his parents’ embarrassment. “They’re fucking awful,” she said, voice flat but low and furious.

“I left the worst for last.”

“Is it going to make me want to kill them harder?”

“Yep.”

“Great. Fantastic. What did they do.”

As he worked up the energy to tell zir, Dom found himself feeling oddly removed, distant. The music from Kez’s stereo faded out, the pattern on zir pjs right in front of his face blurring. He felt like he was back in his aunt’s living room again, his mother slapping the pamphlet down on the coffee table between them and pointing at it with her tastefully manicured fingernail while his blood ran cold.

“She threatened to send me to a camp if I didn’t go home immediately and stop this nonsense,” he said tonelessly. Ziah went stiff in his arms. “So I told her she could shove that fucking pamphlet so far up her ass it’ll come out of her mouth covered in shit and ran.”

That got a short laugh out of Kez, but they were still tense, gripping the back of Dom’s too-large shirt. “You were right, I’m going to fucking murder them.”

“Yeah, get in line,” he joked, half-hearted.

“Was–” Ze paused, clearly debating whether ze should ask this or not. “Did they bring…?”

It took a second to realise what they were asking, but when it clicked Dom’s face twisted as he was shoved back into himself, only to feel every bit of guilt and grief and rage flooding back into his throat. “He looked at me like I was disgusting, Ziah,” he choked out, chest heaving around a shaky inhale, and he started crying again. Kez’s arms tightened almost painfully around him.

Ziah’s voice was thick when they said, “I’m sorry, Nikki. I’m so sorry.”

Calming down this time was faster, but only due to how exhausted Dom was. He felt hollowed out but heavy, leaden enough that Kez should be struggling to hold him. Their arm under his torso must have started to go to sleep by now, but they didn’t move or complain and he added that to the list of things he felt guilty about tonight. And he was about to add a few more.

“Could… could you drive me to my aunt’s so I can get all my stuff?” he asked.

“You have clothes here though. Or, are you going to actually stay here?”

He shrugged. “Might be easier to get it all while it’s dark. And if I wait my aunt might lock the window, if she hasn’t already. Or my parents might trash it all.”

Kez finally pulled away to be able to look at Dom, smiling with relief. Despite everything, they were excited by the thought of Dom finally staying with them. “Sure, let's go. I’ll tell Mama I’m borrowing the car.” They pressed a few kisses to his lips which Dom returned gratefully, both of them reluctant to let the other go. Outside the shelter of Kez’s body Dom could feel the tear tracks and snot making his skin tight.

They both clambered out of Kez’s bed, Kez linking their fingers with his to lead him downstairs again, socked feet a quiet staccato on the steps. The house was dark now, but there was a low glow of warm light from the kitchen. Dom didn’t think to look at Kez’s alarm clock to see the time, but he guessed they’d been up there for a couple hours.

Ma and Señor de Leon were talking in low voices in the kitchen by the light of the range hood, but paused when he and Kez came into view. “How’re you feeling, mijo?” Señor de Leon asked, a kind tilt to his head, and though the endearment eased something in his chest, Dom could only shrug, not quite able to meet his eye. 

“Come here and let me see those hands, Dominik.” Ma de Leon gestured with her own hand, and Kez made a noise of confusion. Pulling his hand up by their tangled fingers, ze bent his wrist to expose the raw, reddened skin of the heel of his palm, to motion making him wince.

“Nikki. What happened?”

Embarrassment coloured Dom cheeks and he pursed his lips. “I didn’t tie my laces…”

Rolling their eyes, Kez sighed and mumbled an oh my god before pushing him towards their mama. “You should have told me.”

He rolled his eyes in return as he stumbled towards Ma de Leon, who said, “Better now than never,” as took him by the wrist and guided him to the sink, an open first aid kit already waiting. She was firm, but kind, as she ran his hands under warm water, held him still while she sanitised the wounds, abraded skin stinging from the alcohol. “Your parents called,” she said after a moment. He tensed automatically, heart rate racing. “I know, but we told them we’ll take care of you, alright? You can stay for as long as you need.”

She tried to look at him, but Dom’s eyes flicked to the floor. She hummed.

“Mama, can we borrow the car to go get his things?” Kez asked. “We should do it before they lock him out or something.”

Ma briefly looked at Señor while she bandaged Dom’s hands, and whatever married people telepathy occurred had Señor on his feet with a groan. “Alright, but be safe. Don’t go climbing into windows if there’s a patrol car in the neighbourhood.”

“Yeah, we aren’t stupid,” ze shot back with a smile, following their dad to the foyer.

Dom’s hands were released, and Ma nodded with her chin that he should follow, so he scurried after them. He liked Kez’s parents, but they were so drastically different from his own that he always felt wrong-footed around them, afraid that if he did one wrong thing that kindness would vanish. It wasn’t like he’d ever done anything to deserve it.

Señor traded the keys for Kez’s bonnet while Dom slipped into his shoes and tied them. As Kez opened the door, Ma de Leon rounded the corner and held the first aid kit out to Dom.

He frowned. “Uh–”

“Just in case,” she insisted, one eyebrow raised at him. Confused as he was, Dom wasn’t about to refuse it, so he took it with mumbled gratitude and followed Kez out the door.

The drive was spent keeping an eye out for police, but they didn’t see any on the extra lap they took around his aunt’s neighbourhood. While all the lights were off at the house, and Dom’s parents’ car wasn’t there anymore, Kez still parked a few houses down, under a tree.

From there, sneaking in was easy. They’d done it so much that it was second nature to scale the wisteria trellis and wedge his window open. Dom could never tell if his aunt was aware they’d been doing this; it wasn’t like they were that careful about the plant, but she had never locked the window, and tonight was no different. When the window slid open, Dom sighed, let his head hang for a moment, before hauling himself in and pulling Kez in after him.

All he had to carry stuff—that they could still bring down the trellis—was a backpack and messenger bag, so Kez silently took his backpack and started filling it with some of his clothes, while Dom grabbed important shit. IDs, pictures of him and Ziah, the one picture of him and his brother, his secret cash stash, a couple books and knick-knacks. Last minute, he grabbed the cellphone that was still under his parents’ plan, but he was going to use that shit until they noticed and cut it off. Getting back out with the bags was harder, but they made it to the ground safely, and booked it to the car.

“Holy shit,” Dom laughed, running on the last of his adrenaline, “I can’t believe it worked!” He flopped back into the passenger seat and put his hands over his face. “You just pulled a heist in your pyjamas.”

“I did. Only for you, Nikki. If I put a hole in them I’m going to make you mend it,” Kez teased, sagging into the seat. “I’m so fucking glad the window wasn’t locked.”

“Fuck, me too.”

Dom turned to smile at Kez, his heart swelling at the sight of his best friend grinning back, gap-toothed and gorgeous. He loved them so much.

“Let’s get you home,” they said, smile widening, and Dom’s heart sank to the floor.

He was dreading this. And Kez saw it on his face.

“...Dom?”

Floundering, and after a couple false starts, Dom made himself look at Kez and whispered, “I have to go, Ziah.”

“No.”

“Ziah–”

“You can’t.”

He almost choked on the words. “I can’t stay with you.”

“Why?” Ziah’s face was a mess of anger and panic when they rounded on him. “Why do you always refuse?! You’d be safe and okay and I love you, Nikki, you can’t leave–!” Zir voice broke a bit and ze looked away, jaw muscles tensing and their hands gripped the steering wheel hard enough to make the plastic squeak.

Dom had never felt more like scum in his entire life. But he’d thought it through. His mind was made up.

“I–if I stay, my parents could still get me back, call the police on your parents or… or, I don’t know, something else shitty. And if that doesn’t work, my mother could probably bribe the hospital board to make Mama’s work awful, or get her fired.” He didn’t know if that would work, but she’d done similar enough things before that he could see it happening, and just the thought of being the cause of something like that made him feel awful. He couldn’t bear it. “They… if I stay, they’re going to do anything to get me back and… fucking fix me,” Dom spat.

Ziah stared out the windshield. When ze blinked, Dom saw tears rolling down their cheek, briefly catching the light like a tiny star winking out on zir dark skin. The corner of zir lips twitched downward, and they swallowed.

“Fine.” Their voice shook. Somehow, Ziah giving in just made Dom feel worse. “Where are you going?”

“I don’t know. Thought I’d bus to San Francisco. Or LA.”

At barely a whisper, Kez asked, “Does it have to be tonight?” And Dom’s heart smashed to bits.

“They might warn the police I’m a runaway risk if I wait.”

“You are a runaway risk,” they accused.

Dom grimaced, turning his gaze to the floor. “I’m so sorry, Ziah,” he said.

“If you were that sorry, you’d stay.” 

His nails dug into the strap of his seatbelt. Dom had no response, remorse sticking his tongue in place. The following silence in the car was oppressive and only interrupted by a sniff from Kez.

Then they started the car, got into gear, and pulled into the street. The drive was terrible, only because neither of them could speak. Dom couldn’t look at Kez, even when they came up to the four-way stop that led either to the city centre or to Kez’s neighbourhood and Kez paused for way too long before driving on towards the city.

The small, dingy bus station held a few tired people. The schedule above the ticket kiosk said a southward bus would be arriving in an hour. Kez hovered by Dom’s side and he paid for his ticket, and when they sat in the uncomfortable plastic chairs, ze hit him in the stomach with the first aid kit.

“You forgot this in the car.”

Dom frowned at it again. “Mama didn’t give it to me–”

Scoffing, Kez crossed zir arms and glared at the man behind the kiosk for the sin of selling Dom his ticket. “Yes, she did. I thought it was weird, but I guess she figured you out before I did.”

The red canvas stood out against his blue jeans. He squished the sides of it, the zipper digging into the pads of his fingers. How had she known? Without another comment, he stuffed it into his messenger bag and sat back to wait out the hour.

“You… you don’t have to wait with me,” Dom said after hearing Kez huff.

“Fuck you.”

And that was all they said until the bus arrived. Eventually Kez had slumped sideways in vir chair so their shoulders touched and Dom leaned into vir, unable to resist hooking their pinkies together. Kez twitched like ve wanted to pull away, but instead squeezed his finger tight and did not let go, letting him feel welcome to hide his face in vir hair. The gesture both hurt and eased a little of the fear that he’d irreversibly fucked this up; Kez was pissed at him, but still loved him anyway. Even if he was leaving.

The loudspeaker fuzzed to life and announced, “Southbound bus 3095, destination Los Angeles, arriving in ten minutes. Please have ID and tickets ready for boarding.”

Kez’s pinkie squeezed tighter and Dom kissed the side of their head.

He didn’t want to go. God, fuck, he didn’t want to leave them and he despised himself for going anyway.

The other people in the station rose and started forming a line by the door to the bay, their quiet chatter filling the room. Dom tugged on Kez’s finger and got them both to their feet, holding hands as they joined the line. The bus pulled in, the doors opened, and Dom dully marched with Kez into the cool, early autumn evening.

“Text me every day,” Kez said hoarsely as the doors drew closer. “No. Call me every day. Text me every hour.”

Dom’s short laugh was tight. “Okay, I will.”

“Fucking promise.”

“I fucking promise.”

“Don’t get cute with me, that promise has to be real,” Kez sniffled.

“It’s–it’s a real fucking promise.”

Kez’s grip on his hand was getting painful. “Good.”

On the platform of the bus bay, people were dropping off their luggage and saying their goodbyes if they had someone to say goodbye to before the driver checked their tickets and let them climb the stairs to the bus. It was an organised commotion that Dom was hesitating to join. He fully stalled a few feet away from the driver, his bags a thousand pounds and threatening to drag him to his scuffed up knees. The people behind him grumbled and began to file past him.

“You can still stay.”

Kez sounded so small that he finally looked at them for the first time that whole hour. They were crying again, shoulders shaking as they tried to keep their misery under control, giving him a pleading look that completely broke Dom down again. He let out a small wounded noise, dropped his backpack and reeled them in, both of them wrapping each other up so hard it squeezed the air from their lungs.

“I love you, Ziah. I l-love you so much, I’m sorry,” he croaked.

Ze buried zir face in his neck. “I love you too, Nikki,” Kez managed to say, “even if you’re a giant idiot.”

Dom’s laughter was wet. He didn’t have a comeback, they were right.

“Last chance, kids,” the driver called out. Dom pulled back and saw that everyone had boarded, the luggage almost all loaded, and swore under his breath.

“One second.” Seeing the driver sigh, but nod, Dom cupped Ziah’s face between his palms and kissed zir. Their tears mixed on their faces and Kez dug zir fingers into his neck and kissed him back. It was a little messy, a lot desperate. “Love you,” he whispered, and Ziah could only nod.

Dom stepped back. They kept a hand on each other for as long as they could, but three steps and their hands fell away. He kept looking over his shoulder at Kez as the driver checked his ticket and ID with an amused smile, and he climbed inside, quickly finding a lucky seat on the opposite side of the bus. Kez jogged around so ze could still see him, and they watched each other as the bus rumbled to life, backed up, and began to pull away. Kez followed it along the platform, and Dom put a hand over his mouth to stifle his sobs, refusing to look away.

He watched the spot where Kez disappeared behind the building for a long time afterward.

did u know that mama put cash into the kit

I thought she might have

Probably knew youd be stupid about taking it

…

thank her for me?

I will

san fran is really cool

so many bars

You better be drinking responsibly

ok mom

F u

im being safe Ziah

made some friends too

not as great as u tho

No one is.

Dom if you don’t text me back in two days I’m calling the police

Dom

Nikki please

sry sry im okay im alive

guess the fucking parents saw i was using my phone finally

You can’t disappear like that!!!

couldnt afford new plan for a bit

might be hard for me to text evry day ziah

im sorry

…

Please text when you can

Love you

i will. love you too ziah

guess what

finally fucked someone with a dick for the first time

And?

it was fine

dude was weird about my tits

Gross.

ya.

but this way i dont have to pay rent

…That sounds really safe.

its fine!

anyway. he did this thing

im on t!!!

OMG

How??

found a clean reliable hook up

couple guys i know use their stuff

taking it slow

low doses

I’ll ask Mama for any tips or warning signs

Be careful

Dominik

Nikki

I miss you

i miss you so much

DRAG SHOWS ARE GREAT

Tell me everything

Jealous btw.

did u know  drag kings exist??

Yes, you goof, I did

LA fucking sucks.

miss you

Miss you too

School fucking sucks without you

im sry

It’s fine. Just miss you.

miss you too

any new rumors about me?

I started one about you joining the circus

that sounds fun

hows college apps going?

Uhg.

that good huh

youre gonna do great ziah

every college is gonna want you

Maybe.

Hate doing this without you though

this guy named kenny is letting me stay with him and his husband

Are they hot?

nah theyre old. like really old

kenny called me a lost waif. hes annoying. and rude.

So you’re getting along great then

>:(

UR rude

<3

whatever

theyre letting me work under the table at their bar too

So either they’re great people or they have evil plans

theyre good people

they do these burlesque shows at the bar

Nikki it’s been a Month please

Please be okay

DOMINIK

im alive im sorry i love you

Are you okay???

i love you too

ya

What happened??

got into something with someone

im fine now

he was a shitbag but im okay

What’s his fucking name?

ziah its over it doesnt matter

punched him so hard he fell over tho that was great

I love you Nikki

I miss you

love you too miss you too

fucking promise were gonna see each other again soon ok?

Okay. Fucking promise

A year was a long time, Dom decided. It wasn’t really. It had gone by fast. But it was a long time to be away from Kez. Too fucking long.

If he hadn’t left, he wouldn’t be lying on the sidewalk outside the shelter clutching at his ribs, his face red and sore and probably going to turn a beautiful shade of purple. Trying to sit up, he inhaled sharply, biting his lip but immediately regretting it when it pulled on the part that split open.

He was such a fucking moron. He should’ve kept his mouth shut. Should’ve stopped himself, because he knew it would get him kicked out of the shelter for misconduct and beaten by the assholes he’d shouted at.

Dom tried to get up again and grunted through the pain until he was on his feet again. At least they hadn’t mugged him. It’d be too obvious for them to go back to the shelter with his bass and amp in tow.

Fuck. There weren’t any more shelters open. This one had been his last chance at a good spot to hunker down at while the weather got colder.

He had to bite the final fucking bullet. He was 18 now, if he went back his parents couldn’t do shit about it.

He didn’t want to go back. Not like this. He was pathetic as fuck like this.

There were no other options.

Kez would be at college by now though. They wouldn’t have to see this.

Pulling out his shitty, busted up phone, Dom stared at it like it would magically have data again if he just glared hard enough. It didn’t happen, of course.

Shit.

Dom shifted his bag further up his shoulders and picked up the amp with his good side, picked up his bass in the other hand with a pained wince, and started walking towards the nearest pawn shop.

The familiar house loomed above him, silhouetted by the sun setting behind it. Though the curtains were drawn, he could still briefly see the silhouettes of the family inside, milling around as they set up for dinner.

Dom didn't want to be here.

This was such a dumb idea.

But he raised his hand to knock on the door anyway, hearing the voices behind the door but not fully realising who it was, because it couldn’t be them. Then the door opened, and panic and relief and shame and joy in equal, chaotic measure overwhelmed him. So of course, he said:

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

"...don't want whatever you're selling—Dom?"