hey there, life update! i'm in my last semester of senior year, it's almost my birthday, and my gender is all fucked up again. that is, i'm increasingly certain that i "am" not entirely a "male", at least not in the traditional sense. problem is, i don't really know what that means.
it's not like i'm uncomfortable being a guy. it's how i've presented and performed for the last (nearly) 22 years, and i've gotten good at it. there's nothing totally wrong with it. on the other hand, i'm not especially attached to my masculinity either, and at times it feels... restrictive? if that's the right word. in terms of stereotypes, in terms of language, in terms of relationships. and especially in terms of clothing. this often presents itself as i see a girl-looking person wearing a sick outfit, and i get a sudden wave of bizarre jealousy that perhaps is not simply aesthetic attraction. like why can't i do that? why is typical male fashion so boring?
part of my wonders if this is a performance thing. like i have a background in theater and music, and maybe my intense desire to cross the gender-fashion-aesthetic-boundary is due to an... artistic statement of sorts? or maybe it's a society problem, like masculinity as my culture presents it just isn't working for me. or maybe i've spent too much time online, on tumblr, and in a liberal arts environment full of queer people of all stripes, and i've just gotten used to it. or maybe there's something more to it- ontologically, epistimologically, in terms of my gender or whatnot. i mean, i was unusually upset when my mom forced me to get a haircut a few weeks ago- is that anything?
i don't know. i don't know if i'll ever know. but i'm experimenting! right now, by making poor financial choices. i've bought the maxi-skirt i saw advertised on tumblr last year, that gave me my initial gender crisis, and i'm planning on wearing it to a party in a few days. we'll see how far i push this. i have no idea what i'm doing, or if this will lead to anything. any advice would be greatly appreciated:)
