#hello feels

I’ve been writing since my parents got their first fancy computer. I was typing 60 wpm before I was ten. But it was because I was writing. Fantasy, science fiction, horror. I wrote all kinds of stuff. And I wrote my first fan fiction when I was... oh, I don’t know... twelve? Thirteen? We had a PS2 for about a year and my cousin gave me a bunch of cool PS1 games. And I became obsessed with Legend of Mana. I legit wrote everything out on paper. Then I typed some of it out. I just saved it in folder on the computer on my account I had on there. I didn’t actually see fanfiction or know it was thing until I was fifteen. That’s when I started playing FFXII. At first, I found a fan page. Submitted a few chapters. But back then, I was so embarrassed and didn’t have anyone to talk to that I just ignored it. Let me just add here real quick my parents, mostly my mom, were never supportive of things I actually enjoyed. She hated I liked video games.

I didn’t go back to fanfiction for years because I legit had no idea people did this. I thought I was weird. I was already getting bullied at school. Also, I found out my mom was reading everything I wrote. Like everything. And the way she made it known was just that she liked a part I wrote. Nothing supportive. Just hey I like you wrote this. I was humiliated. I also finally made some cool friends so I just hid my love down deep. Deep. Deep. Like I didn’t talk about video games or books or anime or anything until like six years later when I got into college. It was awful. College was about the time I started feeling comfortable gain. And that was when I found Fanfiction.net.

To be honest, I don’t remember if it was DAO or Fable 3 that got me hooked on Fanfiction.net. I had starting writing little ficlets. Like little one shots. And I found some fanart on deviant art. Then I somehow got lead to the website. It was wonderful. Fast forward to like 2012. I met a guy. And I still had this fanfiction. I would write it in secret because I was still ashamed. I decided I was going to just get rid of it. Because I had this set in my mind that I was using it to substitute fake relationships for real ones (thanks mom). I had no idea I was just enjoying a friggin hobby. So I made my first account on fanfiction. Posted my ficlets of F3, because I had an attachment to them. And I didn’t want to just throw them out. But some of them... I did. And I wish I didn’t.

A few months later and for many months after... I kept getting notifications asking when I was going to finish my fic. It inspired me. And I finished it. And it got me on a kick again. But I knew I had to be careful, because my boyfriend at the time was super nosy. He got mad at me for writing a very explicit piece. One, it was practice because I was horrible at smut (even back then) and two, it was a super old piece I wrote before I even met him. So I got a flashdrive and kept everything on the flashdrive. I felt horrible keeping a secret from him. But he also made me feel like shit.

Then I found Tumblr. And then Inquisition came out. And it all just... fell apart. It was like Inquisition was the only happiness I had left in that shit life I had. My boyfriend was awful. Controlling. Manipulative. Narcissistic. Dragon Age and fanfic were all I had. He even got me a laptop for Christmas so I could write... but then got mad because I would sit in my room and write. It was password protected and he was pissed he couldn’t read it.

I was writing a lot back then, though. I was also drinking... a lot. It was like the only outlet I had at the time because he had isolated me. I still have stuff I need to go through that I haven’t touched yet. There is SO MUCH. But needless to say, thank the Maker, we broke up. But I didn’t write again afterwords. It was a weird time for me. I just kind of stumbled through that year and drank myself away and made bad choices.

That was 2015. And I picked back up in 2017. I had made my Ao3 but only so I could just throw some stuff up I was never going to finish. I had some decent fluff in there so I didn’t want it to go to waste. I don’t think I wrote again for quite some time. And that was because of Aeva. It was just bits and pieces here and there. I guess I just recently started taking my writing seriously again.

Now, I have a very supportive boyfriend. And he wants to read what I’m writing. And he gets excited every time I talk about finishing a chapter. I don’t let him read anything because.. well... I’m still embarrassed (shit relationship left me with borderline PTSD, trust issues, and a multitude of other mental disabilities). But I feel better knowing he’s not going to get mad because I wrote about kissing a guy or anything. He understands writing this makes me happy. And it isn’t always romance, is fight scenes and plot twists and getting involved in a universe I love with a fandom of (mostly) cool people. He even wants to play the games! And I love him so much for that. And that all of this is coming together for me.