#heikkila

I wish that I knew how to keep myself from feeling how I do about you.  Partially, I’m sure it has to do with the history and how you’ve been this force in my life for years, you know me better than just about anyone. Its the way that I feel when I’m with you. Completely at peace. How everything goes quiet when you kiss me. Hearing you admit to being jealous when I’ve brought up other men I might be interested in, and how you’re just as excited about seeing me in December as I am about coming out. I remember vividly the pure joy on your face when your eyes met mine for the first time. The way you pulled me close to you when we shared that first kiss standing in your kitchen. Waking up next to you. Italian beef combo sandwiches. Bonfire in your back yard, and you nearly blowing me up. Meeting your brother and hearing after the fact that he liked me. Listening to you sing Bought a Bride by Brand New. Walking nine miles through thee streets of Chicago, arms linked, taking it all in. Saying goodbye to you with tears in my eyes because I didn’t want to come home. It wasn’t enough time. I can’t believe it has only been a year since that trip. In my heart it feels like so much longer. And as much as I’ve tried to fight how I feel, it is wasted energy. I don’t want to love you because its hard as hell. And its scary. I don’t want to risk getting hurt… But I’ve never been so sure of anyone.

We've been talking a lot lately. I'm planning on coming out to see Trevor in Illinois the second week of December and you've asked me if I'd be willing to come see you for a day or two while I am out there. It's going to depend on how much time I can get off of work, but I'm going to try to make that happen, because at the end of the day... I miss you. When I was talking about my trip plans involving Trevor with you, you admitted to me that you're kinda jealous. Part of me likes knowing that, but part of me thinks it's not fair for you to tell me that. You chose to not see where things might have gone with us. That was your choice, you made it very clear. And as much as it hurt, I decided that our friendship was strong enough to survive my broken heart and I've done very well accepting that you and I want different things. Seeing you again will be interesting, but mostly I am excited to spend time with one of my all-time favorite people.