"lu ten or your parents back?"
he’s heard the rumours, the murmurs that it was possible, after all, to raise the dead. dangerous, too dangerous for iruka to ever dream of seeking it out, forbidden power no one should ever be able to wield. corrupt, vile, and always requiring a sacrifice. a great human cost. and it’s found it’s way to him without any searching at all.
“stop. stop it.” iruka is trembling, hands desperately reaching out to steady himself on the table. he can’t catch his breath, too quick, too shallow, as his emotions take control of him yet again. to be offered such a choice is beyond his wildest dreams. and if he closes his eyes, he can imagine, just for a moment, what it would be like. to see them, to hold them, to know if he’s done them proud, after all this time.
he’s still so much that little boy who’s just lost everything. pretending he’s proud they died heroes. chest aches, cheeks wet ( he can’t tell if that’s merely a memory, or if he’s crying now, too ). he isn’t proud; he doesn’t care that they died to save the village. iruka is frightened and sad and all alone.
god, he’d do anything to bring them back. anything, anything. even- “no. stop talking.”
no matter how hard he grips the edge of the table, his hands, his arms, everything shakes. violent and tumultuous. it’s dangerous to think like that, he knows it is. this is exactly how ninjas get in over their heads, how they end up messing with things they should just leave be. but the temptation is still there, and iruka feels sick with guilt. the cost of such a fantasy is insurmountable. he can’t ever do this to lu ten, someone he’s sworn to protect. with his heart, his body, his very life.
“i won’t let you hurt him.” it’s not a choice, it’s not an answer. iruka struggles to put the words together, voice nagging at the back of his mind. this is what you’ve always wanted. lu ten would want this too. for you. it’s his family’s fault they’re gone. they died protecting his stupid village. no. no. this isn’t right. he loves you. you love him. stop. stop.
“lu ten.” breathless, his answer comes, as if he’s calling out to his lover. saying help me, help me, i don’t want to be alone again.